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I had a birthday approaching recently, and I was very depressed leading up to it and didn't even know it. My roommate saw that I was floundering and organized a birthday dinner out with a few close friends. We had a blast and I've been maintaining my usual happiness level since. I've found over the years that being around friends keeps me from falling into the depression/anxiety pit.
I'm basically a very social loner. I am happy for long periods of time without anyone around, but then I hit a wall and crave the company of others. I guess there's a balance that I need to maintain.
I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but you're not alone. I'm exactly like you! My GF basically even used the same phrase, like a social loner. I basically prefer to be alone for most of the time, because I write, watch movies, play video games, and I'm just not a person who likes to "get out" and leave the house often. I work hard to make sure my house is full of everything I love, and I hate driving places, it's just annoying. But about once a week, I'd like to hang out with a friend, ideally, and in the past that was mostly pretty regular for me. I had a larger group of friends, I'd always get just about the right amount of social time. Then in the last few years, my best friend moved a few hours away, another good friend is just too busy with work, and a few friends from the past either moved or we're no longer friends or both.
I also find myself sometimes being bummed out because it's nice to have good friends and enjoy their company on a regular basis, even if it's not statistically often. I would get exhausted and never get anything done if I saw friends 4-5 times a week. I'd never want that! That's just exhausting. But once or twice a week, or say 5-6 times a month, that sounds ideal. The thing is for me, though, I'm not a casual friendship person. I'm bored by your typical "adult friendship" and that just doesn't do it for me. I really don't want to go grab a beer or a glass of wine with you for an hour or two and that's just the extent of our friendship. I don't drink anymore, that's one issue with that plan (lol), but even if it was coffee, that's a kind of friendship that's kind of meh to me. I'm a hang out and spend all night playing video games until 6 a.m kind of guy, and I'm 36 this year, so that's not going to change. If not video games, I'd love to get into golf again when I move, but you get my idea, some sort of activity-based thing not just talking about our wives or your kids (don't care) or work or something boring and adult. That doesn't really do it for me. I notice that seems to be the common adult friendship type and that's zzzzzz.
I wouldn't say I get "depressed" when I don't see friends for a while, but I feel a bit less energized and fulfilled. I would value just a few close friends who I see regularly, that's ideal, and for me, I'm not the kind of person who really wants or desires close friends who are different than me. I know that for some people, even my girlfriend, she's more like that. I'm really not. I want to have close friends who think A LOT like me, as much as possible, because I already feel like I'm so different from most people, have nothing in common with them, that I don't want my friendships to emphasize that sense of loneliness. My best friend is so much like me, we share most of the same views and values, that I enjoy hanging out with him as it refreshes my sense of NOT being alone, that there are other people out there just like me, and that's probably a large part of the positive social interaction for me. My other close friend, we have very little in common, and sometimes hanging out with him is just more draining than anything. I'm a die-hard libertarian, he's a radical liberal, and we don't see eye to eye then on almost anything. It's not just political discussions, it's any life philosophy where I'm more individualistic and he's more collectivist and I cannot understand that attitude so, for me, it's hard to feel like he's a close friend.
It might help- time alone with our thoughts is not good for people that struggle with depression/anxiety. However, correct thinking is more important. Thinking about things that upset us (when there is nothing we can do about it) leads to negative thoughts. Proverbs 4:23- "As a man thinks, so is he".
I think that to the extraverted majority, a social support system is very important in preventing and coping with depression and anxiety. I'd even go so far as to say it's essential.
However, with some introverts, people are the far introverted end of the continuum, such a social support system is less important in maintaining mental/emotional wellbeing. To some, it's even unnecessary. For those people (I include myself in this category) meaningful interests and meaningful activities play a much bigger role. All the social support in the world will not help an extreme introvert if they are falling into a depression and don't have meaningful activity. In fact, the attempts at providing social support could make them feel worse. I know when I feel intruded on with too much social contact, my anxiety level goes up and I have to compensate with increased time alone.
With introverts who are closer to the middle of the continuum, I can see that well-placed, well-timed social contacts/activities can provide a "jump-start."
Too much societal contact makes my anxiety level go up too. Increased time alone is the only "treatment"...
just had a friend stay for a few days...enjoyed having her here but was getting anxious with the
necessary interaction for 4 days. She knows I'm this way but I feel a bit guilty as she is quite social herself...and I had to go off to my room several times to get a break.
Now I'm enjoying a quiet week and "recovering"
Whatever it is you need to avoid depression or to help treat it, by all means do so.
Too much societal contact makes my anxiety level go up too. Increased time alone is the only "treatment"...
just had a friend stay for a few days...enjoyed having her here but was getting anxious with the
necessary interaction for 4 days. She knows I'm this way but I feel a bit guilty as she is quite social herself...and I had to go off to my room several times to get a break.
Now I'm enjoying a quiet week and "recovering"
Whatever it is you need to avoid depression or to help treat it, by all means do so.
I can relate to this! For me, I'm more content when I'm alone. When I do engage in socializing, whether it be with one person or with several, I always feel as though I'm on the outside looking in and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.
I am not standoffish and do participate by showing interest in others and will contribute to the conversations, but no matter how how I try, it's wearisome.
Too much societal contact makes my anxiety level go up too. Increased time alone is the only "treatment"...
just had a friend stay for a few days...enjoyed having her here but was getting anxious with the
necessary interaction for 4 days. She knows I'm this way but I feel a bit guilty as she is quite social herself...and I had to go off to my room several times to get a break.
Now I'm enjoying a quiet week and "recovering"
Whatever it is you need to avoid depression or to help treat it, by all means do so.
Yep. Completely agree. Telling me to "go out and be social" when I'm feeling depressed just makes me more so because it's uncomfortable! I have a very small, distant, and infrequent social circle, but they are all beloved, there when I need them, we treat each other with kindness, and I truly appreciate all of them. Think about it....a social circle could consist of one or two treasured humans other than yourself. The right people, it's more than enough.
I find relationships stressful. I enjoy other people in small doses. I love knowing there are people who want to be in my company. But, I need more time alone than with other people to manage my anxiety level. I just worry too much about things like them taking advantage of me, or them thinking I'm taking advantage of them, or am I talking about myself too much, blah blah. Most of it is unnecessary worry, and people can't usually tell that my brain is driving me nuts with worrying about this and that - but when I go home, I'm really tired from wearing myself out mentally.
I also deal with a lot of neck pain, so the more active I am, the more my neck hurts, the more depressed I get about my limitations, the more stressed out I get..... so I've learned that even though part of me wants to be someone who is more active socially, I am learning to accept that this is the way I am.
I was blessed today with a phone call from a young couple who I met through teaching ESL classes - they're from Russia and have only been here less than a year. They were going to a Halloween festival and wanted to know if I'd like to go with them. I had already decided today needed to be a stay at home and relax day, so I declined. But, it felt really nice to be wanted. I was also glad that I have learned when I need to say no. I have a social event I'm going to tomorrow, and I knew I needed a down day today, so I'd be up for socializing tomorrow.
So, yes, I was lonely when I moved here and didn't have anyone to ever socialize with, and it took a lot of effort to find a group of people I liked and who liked me. Without them, I'd be really depressed. But, I still need more time alone than with them.
I need a lot of alone time to do my projects and process my feelings.
I do enjoy some people, in small doses, and love to do certain things (dine out, explore new places, etc.)
I need more like-minded people in my life, and without them, I do feel lonely - mostly because there are things I want to do but don't want to do alone.
From personal experience I can say most depression and anxiety come from two things...reality not being lined up with ones expectations and desires about how their reality "should" be and spending too much time in one's head, over thinking and ruminating. Regardless of whether you have a large social circle or not the key to peace of mind is mindfulness, or learning to accept everything as it is without wanting to change things. This doesnt mean you are passive and dont change things, it just means you go about it from a state of acceptance instead of a state of resistance. You really have to experience it to understand what it means.
Some people get worried about things they can't change and develop anxiety over it. They talk about the world going to hell and spend too much time letting pop culture tell them what to think...me? I was a hypochondriac. I was convinced all my symptoms were some health problem when stress/anxiety are responsible for most health problems and now my amygdala pumps out a fear response randomly when its not necessary. I conditioned myself to have fear and now I have to condition myself out of it.. Resisting what is causes most pain in life. I'm trying out something called neurofeedback to see if I can't speed the process along.
Regardless the whole process has given me compassion towards the human condition...we are still very much animals controlled more by base instincts than our thinking mind. Its no surprise people do things they arent proud of in the heat of the moment, develop addictions, or even being introverted or an aspey or some other psychological conditions like OCD etc... Well adjusted people with a good upbringing think its so easy for everyone to just change and if people aren't good at life its their own fault...well no, not really. Life is hard for many people who's brains are simply wired differently than yours. The limbic system once it forms habits has a tendency to want to repeat them... To change requires new inputs and repetition. An understanding of psychology is helpful as well.
Good friends or a romantic partner are excellent because we are creatures designed to bond and be pack animals. Not only does it distract you from being in your own head all the time, but it increases the production of a hormone called oxytocin. Extroverts are literally happier people than introverts by in large because mother nature designed us to be pack animals and not solitary. Introverts are largely that way because of lack of affection early in life..lack of playful interaction with others...playfulness being the key to oxytocin production and pack bonding with others...laughter and joking around. My parents were not playful. My mother was actually cold emotionally, always irritable. I was shy and developed a habit of being defensive when being bullied as a child. I ended up not playful and both my sister and myself ended up with anxiety issues. Its no different than if you properly socialize and train your pets when theyre young, theyll grow up better than if you dont and ignore them or they end up spending lots of time alone.
Introverts tend to be more intellectual and responsible for most of the technological advances in society however...its a coping mechanism. Extroverts are more or less addicted to getting their next hit of oxytocin which comes from sitting with a group of friends gossiping or out drinking, screwing, etc. Introverts tend to be deeper, while extroverts tend to be more shallow. Its not meant to be insulting, just scientific fact. Deepness is a coping mechanism from a feeling of not being understood which stems from a lack of playfulness and pair bonding between age 0 and 6. It should be said some people have DNA that makes them more prone to be a certain way as well, just like some people have DNA that gives them naturally high cholesterol.
One more nugget of wisdom..if you have kids, have at least 2 and have them back to back so they are close to the same age...they can socialize with each other and will all grow up with a much higher chance of being well adjusted. Just like having kittens...its better to have 2 or more.
Well that post went on longer than I intended. TL/DR: Just read paragraph 4. For those who may have linked to this post from a dating site, yes this is the type of crap I like to talk about.
It might help- time alone with our thoughts is not good for people that struggle with depression/anxiety. However, correct thinking is more important. Thinking about things that upset us (when there is nothing we can do about it) leads to negative thoughts. Proverbs 4:23- "As a man thinks, so is he".
Its funny but these nuggets of wisdom you get from the litany of new self help material on amazon these days are basically rehashed 2000+ year old wisdom that gets forgotten and revived again. They knew back then already.... I've always been a man of science so having it described to me in terms of limbic system and amygdala is much more useful than using terms like "spiritual enlightenment" which could be likened to a really intense release of oxytocin from an intensely mindful state. Back then of course they didn't know all these scientific terms but they still had the basic premise right.
Beyond that there's still the question of whether we have a soul that reincarnates, but that's a discussion for another thread.
I think that extroversion and introversion are more of a spectrum than absolutes, personally. I think each of us needs to find the balance point where we are healthy and happy. It isn't always easy.
Many of my friends consider me to be absolutely an extrovert. But I'm not sure. I have my introvert moments, too. I know that I can get moody and sometimes going and getting "people time" resets my energy and puts me in a better place. Yet I also treasure my peace and quiet and solitary activities like reading or doing jigsaw puzzles, that sort of thing. If I have too much socialization, like a big convention or something, I get wonky, exhausted, have lots of "stupid moments" where I just feel hazy and dumb basically, like I can't keep up the energy consistently. Even if I'm getting enough sleep (which is a common issue at things like conventions.) But if I am alone for too long, I get restless and anxious, to where nothing is fun and everything is boring and I can't settle to any activity. Eventually if it continues, I escape via sleep, and then fall into depression (over-sleeping and depression are strongly linked for me.)
So there's got to be a balance point somewhere. I get this by being involved with a community that has events happening all the time, several times a week, which I can choose to attend or skip based on how I am feeling and what I need. I rarely obligate myself to attend ahead of time, because some days, I need my quiet time more.
And most of my "friendships" and connections (except my romantic partner) are very shallow. But that's part my extrovert thing, and part a need to maintain my own space and fears of getting dragged into other people's drama, which has happened way too many times when I tried to deepen friendships. But it's fine, I get most of my value in friendship from telling stories and hearing stories, which works best when people don't already know each other well and haven't yet heard them all. I see it as...each new person I meet makes my world a little bigger and more colorful.
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