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Old 07-26-2015, 11:55 AM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
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I can't recall the source, but a long time ago I read something that went like "Only people who are unhappy, dissatisfied, and insecure with themselves and their own lives feel the need to 'control' others."
I didn't think much about it at the time, but I've begun to agree with it 100%.

First there's the kids topic: while young kids continue to need guidance, including sensible rules, there's a huge difference between someone who is (random examples) 16 and someone who is 26. Former is a minor, latter is an adult.
In the interest of harmony, one could say to the latter "I know your friend Bob uses drugs, I've seen him under the influence, he's not welcome in OUR house;" or "If you go out, it's not o.k. for you to come in drunk at 3 a.m. and disrupt the household." In other words, behaviors that have a negative effect on others.

Second, the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife topics I've seen 'IRL' and here, including threads with words such as 'let,' 'allow,' 'forbid,' etc. Posters hit the nail on the head when they describe it as 'abuse.'

So other than young kids who need rules, and behaviors that impact others, what's the reason so many today feel the need to have a hand in, and the upper hand over, other people?
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Old 07-26-2015, 12:42 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 26,283,372 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
So other than young kids who need rules, and behaviors that impact others, what's the reason so many today feel the need to have a hand in, and the upper hand over, other people?
Ego and outcome. Anyone who has to control and have a hand over anyone else, want a particular outcome.

That's how they keep they're own anxiety in check.
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Old 07-26-2015, 03:46 PM
 
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Yes, agree w/ Virgode about the anxiety thing. I had a former supervisor who was a control freak, and I mean the most controlling person I think I've ever known. She also had a facial tic and very erratic emotions, along w/ hand gesturing, etc when she became anxious. She was as anxious a person I've ever met and I could barely be in the same room w/ her. To control all of that, they must control people and situations around them. Or, let's say certain people respond that way...

Of course, if she was more self-aware, she would have headed for therapy and tried to figure out her behaviors and how to manage them better.
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Old 07-26-2015, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
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For the people that are familiar with the EQ test (emotional quotient). If I remember correctly the higher the score the more confident, decisive, and stable and the lower the score the more immature, insecure and indecisive you are. My company gave all of the management the test and an amazing result came out of it. The lowest scores (40-100) were all managers. The lower the score the more controlling the person was with their direct reports.

The big bosses said that this test would show who was the most promotable, the higher the score, the better candidate for upper management. When the scores came out and the highest scores (101-160)were some of the long time employees that had been passed over for promotion numerous times for younger less experienced employees the company realized that they had made a big mistake. To correct their error the upper management decided to throw out the test.

The point of the first 2 paragraphs was to show that the loudest, and most abusive bullies are the ones that scored the lowest on the EQ test which then showed that the same people were indecisive, immature, and insecure personalities and they became the most controlling people and in my opinion the bosses saw this and promoted them.

Controlling people want to control other people because it strokes their personalities to think that other people will listen and perform has they want.

I believe that the majority of the companies fall into this trap, hiring and promoting the wrong people.

Because of this, I do agree with the OP.
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Old 07-26-2015, 06:12 PM
 
335 posts, read 283,136 times
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Very interesting topic. While there is often an obvious strong correlation between insecurity and bossy, controlling behavior, I think any presumption of overall universality of the principle is grossly flawed.

Couple of examples to ponder. First, a very great many insecure, indecisive, unstable, non-confident people aren't bossy or controlling at all. Second, strong leadership requires controlling of others for all kinds of positive outcomes from sports (think quarterback, team captains, etc.) to military (squad and platoon leadership on up the chain) to business success of every kind without exception.

The key here is to recognize where control is manifesting as a fear-based behavior as opposed to a true leadership role.
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Old 07-26-2015, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Pa
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Control freaks are insane.
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Old 07-27-2015, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Nashville, TN -
9,096 posts, read 4,602,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Garthur View Post
For the people that are familiar with the EQ test (emotional quotient). If I remember correctly the higher the score the more confident, decisive, and stable and the lower the score the more immature, insecure and indecisive you are. My company gave all of the management the test and an amazing result came out of it. The lowest scores (40-100) were all managers. The lower the score the more controlling the person was with their direct reports.

The big bosses said that this test would show who was the most promotable, the higher the score, the better candidate for upper management. When the scores came out and the highest scores (101-160)were some of the long time employees that had been passed over for promotion numerous times for younger less experienced employees the company realized that they had made a big mistake. To correct their error the upper management decided to throw out the test.

The point of the first 2 paragraphs was to show that the loudest, and most abusive bullies are the ones that scored the lowest on the EQ test which then showed that the same people were indecisive, immature, and insecure personalities and they became the most controlling people and in my opinion the bosses saw this and promoted them.

Controlling people want to control other people because it strokes their personalities to think that other people will listen and perform has they want.

I believe that the majority of the companies fall into this trap, hiring and promoting the wrong people.

Because of this, I do agree with the OP.
Isn't it amazing? Couldn't agree with you more.
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Old 07-27-2015, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
19,578 posts, read 15,712,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
... what's the reason so many today feel the need to
have a hand in, and the upper hand over, other people?
Usually, when they were children nothing counted...they weren't listened to,
their feelings didn't matter,
their taste in clothes or food or even the color of their bedrooms didn't matter!

So now, as adults, unconsciously their mind is saying, "By God, I'm going
to have control NOW!"
And they go overboard...extending thoughts of control to even other drivers or
neighbors or NASA, that they don't have any possibility of controlling, thus, they
become irritable, unhappy human beings...usually with high blood pressure! Ha!

When my mom had dementia and accused me of controlling her (I mean I dressed
and bathed her!)...
I smiled and said, "Mom, if I had the power to control you?
I'd make you happy!"

Control freaks are to be pitied and steered to a therapist, for 2-3 sessions.
A good sentence you can say to one unemotionally is, "Gee is this how you
were treated as a child? So this is why you act this way?"

Stops them in their tracks!!! Try it.
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Old 07-27-2015, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Kansas
21,174 posts, read 17,632,793 times
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I think first of all that with parents, it isn't just about young kids but extends to the point where the child moves out and is self-supporting. My house implies my rules. Of course, if you bring your kids up right from the start, it isn't really necessary to "forbid" or "allow" because everyone is on the same page in the family.

Husband and wife? Well, not so black and white either as it depends on the relationship. I could "forbid" my husband from doing something immoral, I could say it but I couldn't stop it but he would know the consequences. I am not controlling the person but the situation that is marriage. "I won't allow you to have affairs with other women." So, I'm not controlling.

I know with some of the boyfriend/girlfriend threads, yes, it spells more than "control" it spells narcissistic and/or sociopathic behaviors that will only eventually come to a bad end. I have seen this in some of the weird religions though with husband/wife.

Frankly, if my husband came home from work today and forbid me to do something, that is exactly what I would do. And, "my husband/boyfriend won't let me cut my hair", that's the one that always gets me.

How often does "forbid" or "not allow" really count? It counts when you are child or when you are on the job but the rest of the time in relationships, you can walk and I highly suggest it if you are constantly confronted with "my way or the highway".

Why do they have to be controlling, personality trait. Add "passive-aggressive" where you are "punished" when you don't comply, they do it in a way that they can claim it wasn't on purpose. Controlling people are actually weak and from what I had seen, they can't even control themselves.
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Old 07-27-2015, 12:17 PM
 
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Controlling & Leading are 2 different things for sure. A great leader doesn't need to "control." A true leader inspires others to be the best they can & maximizes their potentials. You can't make an apple into a pear. But, be the best apple you can be. Controllers want everyone to follow them for their ego gratification and from fear based thinking. Leaders don't let fear get to them & it doesn't drive their behaviors and they keep their ego's in check. They realize they need the group as much as the group needs them.
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