Psychopath stepmother ruining relationship with father (psychologist, inability, sociopath, narcissists)

[jm1982]

I had posted earlier this year about a terrible experience with my stepmother. The thread is here:
//www.city-data.com/forum/psych...tepmother.html


Since I left working with my father and staying at their place my father had been trying to setup a day for the four of us (Him, my stepmother, my fiancee and myself) to meet in person.

It took a while to find a date since we are planning a wedding and they had been travelling out of the country,etc. They also live on the other side of the country too. Although she had been very mean to both of us, we decided to meet in person because our wedding was wanted to break the ice.
We had planned a lunch meeting at a restaraunt. My fiancee bought her some candies ,even though I had told her it might not be a good idea.
They arrived a little late , and she walked into the place with her sunglasses on , she said hi but kind of half heartedly. She definately want to make it appear at least that she wasn't in a good mood.
When my fiancee handed her the candy ..the candy which she said was her favorite..she picked it up like it was trash and handed it over to my dad and said ..."he'll it it...thanks" it was super rude and clear she did it on purpose.
Anytime she would talk she would just look at me and act like my fiancee wasn't in the room. Needless to say it was uncomfortable. My father was the only one making small talk or asking her questions. No mention of the wedding came up and they didn't ask us anything about it to break the ice. She complemented me a couple times and said I looked good ...clearly on purpose to upset my fiancee.
Anyways towards the end of the lunch since they weren't saying anything I said , "it really is to bad things didn't work out well here" ...then my father said "Well I wasn't the one that left" ..I said "well you know the reasons why I did"...then all of a sudden my stepmother looked at my fiancee and said "Problem is I trusted the wrongside of the fence" and she went into a tirade accusing my fiancee of being a liar, backstabber and gossipper. My fiancee calmly defended herself and said "I'm not a liar" and then she said that "God knows the truth" . It was really terrible. Of course I defended my fiancee and pointed out some lies my stepmother came up with. The only thing my father said was that "both sides did wrong" ..which isn't true as all the drama was created by her.
She was very cruel but she didn't cry, showing no real emotion. Thankfully my fiancee didn't cry either because I'm sure she wanted that. She told my fiancee she was "Done with her!" which is ridiculous when she didn't even do anything and didn't try to argue with her and just said that she's not a liar. She then took off and told my Dad.."you can stay here if you want"

It was really amazing...I was just thinking wow we travelled all the way here when we could of done something else and then get treated like this. I was already pretty sure she was crazy and a psychopath but this confirmed it.

Later on , the next day I get an email from my father saying that we came there to start a fight. I stated "we have better things to do than fly across country and spend money to start a fight" He/They also made it seem like they weren't invited to the wedding...even though they already got a save the date and booked their hotel and nobody uninvited them. I'm sure it was just her way of spinning it.
He seemed to take her side on things even though I pointed out the way that she added was reprehensible.
I now realize that no matter what I said , it would have been spun/twisted to make me look like the bad guy.

He seems to be just feeding into her ludicrous lies. The more I read about psychopaths the scarier it is and all her actions and words have made sense. It's clear she wants to frame my fiancee and I as the bad ones, and made it seem like she's the victim. He's always saying that shes "very emotional and sensitive" ...which I now realize is totally false.
It was sickening to hear him say that "she loves you" because psychopaths use love in order to manipulate. I just said "someone that loves someone does not act like that"
I know she wants me to uninvite them so she can tell him and others (her circle) , "I can't believe they uninvited us after all we did" .."see I told you they were disrespectful!"
I kept telling him nobody uninvited you. He told me they would be "uncomfortable" there. Hmmm..wonder why!

I had even planned to have him be my Best Man , but given the situation that does not seem appropriate.

It's upsetting, but I'm more disappointed in him . I know she has manipulated him. When I spoke to him after he even said that I "Didn't have respect for him"...I said that's ridiculous since I left my stable job to work with him and would always defend him when I was growing up.

I feel naive for being trusting of her and for bringing my fiancee into her realm.
It's very frustrating and emotionally draining and clearly not healthy. I've realized I can't have any relationship with her ..and the relationship I thought I had was a lie. Looking back it all makes sense, why she would do certain things. It's sick to realize she did things in an attempt to gain more power over me.

I am glad that I came across the research on psychopaths as it made me realize she doesn't have feelings like most normal people. I've read that up to 4% of the population could be psychopaths ..and even some CEOs or people in powerful positions are psychopaths. Scary...but it makes sense. One can get far if they have no feelings , are persuasive , no anxiety, no fear,etc.

Upsetting that she now wants to ruin my relationship with my father, but it's not surprising. He still thinks things can be worked out, because he's not aware of how she really is. She's got him wrapped around her finger and in complete control of him. I'm sure she's happy that she's getting him all worked up about it, and that things are still in her control.

I was going to give him the tuxedo rental information and just let him decide if he wants to go or not.

My fiancee and I really don't want to see her there. I'm sure his wife does not want to be in a situation where she will not be in control. She's so sick though..that I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up. Can't really fear her though, but it would not be appropriate for her to be there after all she said. I know she doesn't even believe the stuff she says, but it's all been said with the intent to hurt. It's all projection. She used my fiancee as a scapegoat , because it's her that is the liar, gossiper and backstabber.

I think it's too bad there isn't more psychopath awareness. I never realized there could be people with no feelings and that would go out of their way to hurt others in such a way...especially ones they claim to "love".
Most only think that serial killers can be psychopaths , which is not true. Most psychopaths don't physically kill... but it's sick that they get pleasure out of being mean and evil and manipulating.

Has anyone experienced something like this before?
Any advice?

[newerabuzz]

Your stepmother has problems. I would not want to speculate on them. Calling her a psychopath may be incorrect. She may have other issues that underlie her nasty behavior. She could have anti social personality attributes, or be highly narcissistic, borderline personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder. I am in the cluster B with BPD- In the past I could become very nasty if triggered- but not nearly as manipulative as your stepmother.

I have dealt with a highly narcissistic man- who could have possibly been a psychopath- they do overlap, but there are differences. Best thing to do is set up firm boundaries with your step mother. Absorb, but do not react to her insults and manipulation. Having as little contact as possible may be best.

Most extreme narcissists and psychopaths have shallow to no emptions, low fear and anxiety. They have empathy- only when they can mirror your wants, and how to see your weaknesses, in order to control and exploit you.

[mollygee]

Just lived through 8 years of a nasty step-Mother relationship!! Although, my step-Mom was good to me while my Dad was here. ( He passed away 10 years ago.) When you describe your step-Mom; I could swear you were talking about my step-Mom. She broke my heart, because I thought we were great friends. She made sure I was not invited to family gatherings and even cut my children out of her life. I could never talk to her or try in my wildest times to clear anything up. I was afraid of that woman, because she held my mortgage and also she was just mean to me and others, that did not fit into her scheme of things.

This summer she suddenly passed away, after a short but horrible illness. This has left me devastated. Nothing was resolved, before she passed away. I really admired her, for many years. Something happened, I am thinking that her illness may have started long before we knew. I could never reason with her, after my Dad passed away.

I wish you many blessings and happiness, try not to let this woman control or wreck havoc on your life. Someone told me that my step-Mom had a real jealous problem; I don't know why, because she was beautiful, talented and rich......who knows what another person is going through or what their mind set is.

Life is really hard at times. Be strong. Whatever your faith is, have that faith. It hurts, I know.

[jm1982]

Thanks Newerabuzz, from everything I read it lines up with the behavior of a psychopath. I am not a psychologist though , but nonetheless I am confident she has purposefully done things out of malice . Sorry to hear about your own issues but sounds like you have sought out help . The issue with her is that she has never said sorry and she's always the right one .. Even invoking religion and framing herself as a " spiritual person " . I told her and my Dad just because someone says they are something does not make it true.
Looking back her actions and words over the last 16+ years make sense . She tried to get close to me and later my fiancée but not out of love .. But rather to control and manipulate.


Mollygee, thank you for sharing your experience with your stepmother . Very sorry to hear it as I would not wish that on anyone . Although I had an offer of financial support from them I said no as I didn't want to be dependent . It would be unsettling if she held my mortgage etc.
She has been materially giving - booking trips for my fiancée and I and other things .. But I am now confident this was all to gain more control and power . It is hard to understand but reading about the symptoms helps .
I don't really have any feeling for her anymore since she showed her true colors . It's hard that my father is siding with her in a way or saying that both of us have done wrong .
She is the one that created drama and has been hostile .
She was also a big reason why my sister and father are not speaking now , stemming from an incident last year.
If he does not want to admit the truth and believes her lies I suppose there is nothing I can do . I'm upset my fiancée and I were made victims of hers , but I need to move forward and focus on positive things . I realize there won't be a relationship with her because she sabotaged it . She viewed our kindness for weakness .
I hope my fiancée and I or any other good person never has to go through the same thing .

[newerabuzz]

jm1982

saying sorry is paramount. always being right-well sounds like someone who is very grandiose and perfect. it could be narcissistic personality disorder or anti social PD- psychopathy. I have gone through years of therapy to finally begin work myself out of the fog I was in. Good luck- but the best advice I can give is to have low contact-

[jm1982]

Originally Posted by newerabuzz

jm1982

saying sorry is paramount. always being right-well sounds like someone who is very grandiose and perfect. it could be narcissistic personality disorder or anti social PD- psychopathy. I have gone through years of therapy to finally begin work myself out of the fog I was in. Good luck- but the best advice I can give is to have low contact-

Thank you. That's great you have gone through therapy. At this point I don't even feel I can have any contact with her. We made the attempt to meet with her and it was a terrible experience. Luckily I don't live in the same state as her , and thankfully I have few other connections with her outside of some family friends that I'm not too close to. The only one is my father of course. If he chooses to accept her twisted and view of things , and wants to let it ruin our relationship then that's on him at this point though.

[KittenSparkles]

My father hooked up with a horrid woman after my parents divorced. She has always just wanted him to herself, and his kids out of their lives, and my father is a weak man who rolled over and gave her what she wanted.

They've been together for over 20 years now and my siblings and I have barely any contact with our father anymore, even though we had very good relationships with him our entire childhood.

I've had to work very hard to emotionally let go of the father I once had. Its truly been one of the most painful things I've gone through in life.

I don't know if your dad will roll over like mine did, but sadly, I don't think this is all that uncommon when it comes to the kids and second marriages. My advice is to put your entire focus on trying to maintain a positive connection with your dad, take your focus off her entirely.

And even then, realize that no matter how hard you try to maintain that relationship, your efforts may not be enough in the face of his inability to withstand the pressure she puts on him.

You'll note that I place the blame squarely on my father's shoulders. The reason is that he is the one who chose this woman and he is the one who has chosen to stay with her even after he was well aware of how it was affecting his relationship with his kids, whom he says he loves and cares about. She may be an evil witch, but he's the one who decided he wanted to share a life with a witch.

[jm1982]

kittensparkles,

Sorry to hear about your hear about your horrible experience. In my situation , I almost feel like I would of rather had that from the beginning. But with her she always seemed to want me around and spending time with them. It makes sense now as she decided to have me be her victim , and then later my kind and caring fiancee. It makes me wonder how many people from her past she has been cruel and evil to.

I do blame him, as he's had several opportunities and been witness to her actions , but continues to not stand up to her. I understand it must be hard if you are married to someone...but there should be a point where enough is enough.
As recently as January she threatened to leave him. It was very uncomfortable as I had come into town and he was saying how she was going to leave him and he was all upset. I knew it was just a big game, and more drama. She's been wanting to have a child all of a sudden. She's in her early 40s and she's a lot older..in his late 50s.
I was shocked when I heard they wanted a kid sometime last year. She's been going to fertility clinics and my fiancee and I had always been supportive of her. She even took off time from work to visit her after procedures. What a mistake as evil people don't appreciate any good deeds...and actually will act works towards any decent nice people.
She even went as far as to tell my fiancee that SHE is the reason that I proposed to her and that we are going to get married...so cruel and mean. My father know she did all these heartless things, but I guess it just doesn't matter.
All the time spend, the gift giving out of kindness , the taking time off work to spend time with them just means nothing.
Instead she is spinning it all to make herself look out to be a "victim" based on countless lies that she has fabricated and truths that have been twisted.

[JrzDefector]

The way I see it, you've got two options really.

1) Take nothing she says seriously and just nod and smile and refuse to engage. You know she's nuts, so why let her affect you?

or

2) Just walk away from her and your dad and not look back. Your dad is also a disturbed individual because her behavior is right in front of him and he doesn't seem to register how dysfunctional it is. If you have kids with your soon-to-be wife, would you really want to leave them alone with these people? I sure as hell wouldn't.

With people like that, I do my best not to let them signify. At most, I will view them as a source of amusement. But nothing they say really matters to me.

[jm1982]

JrzDefector, thank you for your response.

At this point, I don't take anything she says seriously and do not trust her. You are correct that I should not let it affect me. I feel like the entire relationship was based on a lie. Looking back at the past I see a lot of ways where she likely intentionally caused harm.

Regarding walking away from both of them. I can't rule that out right now. I feel that many people stay in toxic or unhealthy relationships because "it's family" ...but there is a point where people can cross the line too. You are right that he is likely disturbed as well. When I spoke to him after this last recent incident (Saturday) , I said "I thought we were at the same table.." She was acting out and stormed off so obviously she is playing the victim. I have told him that if he choses to deal with that type of behavior he can do what he wants, but I won't tolerate it. He asked me a couple times, "Well what do you want me to do,get a divorce?" Seemed to be a strange question to ask. I'm sure it's hard for him since he's married to her, but it's no excuse.

It's interesting you brought up the idea of kids. I was speaking about this with my fiancee and she was saying how she would not feel comfortable bringing our kids around her (and likely him ) in the future. It's sick because when she was frustrated with her own treatments being difficult , she told us "I hope you have children soon at least if I can't have kids of my own".
Pretty creepy looking back on those statements now. In a way it was better sooner than later, but also pretty annoying that she decided to cause all this drama around the time we were getting married.

In the conversations since our meeting on Saturday, the conversations with my father have been pretty bad. He told me that "You have no respect for me!" I said that's ridiculous as I would always stand up for him growing up , and I even left a steady job and sacrificed being close to my fiancee to work with him.
But it seems he takes her twisted words over anything else.

I sent him an email yesterday that just had tuxedo rental information and restated that the invitation to our wedding had been sent out and he would receive it soon, if he did not already.
I wouldn't be surprised if his wife hides it , as around Christmas time a card was sent to be from my fiancee's family and I kept telling her I was expecting it in the mail..and she gave it to me like 2 weeks or so later and just said , "Oh here this. It was in a pile of mail" .. she didn't say "Oh sorry, I know you were waiting for it or anything"
I'm pretty sure that she did it out of malice.