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No, this is not a thread to bash some people. They can do whatever they want. I accept that. I'm just working on understanding how they think. What their priorities are.
I don't feel like explaining again the background, so I'll just link to a thread I started a while back.
I've been trying to understand the differences between what makes them proud versus what makes us proud.
When one of my boyfriend's sisters had a baby back when she was 17, the whole family went to visit, including us 2. Everyone was cheering for the new born baby and congratulating the sister. The dad was also there high fiving his friends and brothers. He disappeared after that, though, and never came back leaving her to raise the baby on her own.
Back in June, my boyfriend and I invited everyone to come to his graduation ceremony. He just had his associates degree. Everyone on my side that we invited came to the ceremony and we all went back to our place for some food and stuff. Not a single person from his side came. He called them and every single person (mom, dad, sisters, cousins, aunts, etc.) had something to do that day.
It's something that's disturbed me all this time. He's been working really hard to get good grades. He'll be going to a university this incoming spring semester. I certainly know how hard it's been to get to where he is. But it doesn't seem like his family cares all that much about him succeeding in school.
His sisters, who are still not working, some times come over to visit. I've caught them making fun of me for working long hours a few times. I'm in management at an engineering firm, so of course some times I work long hours to get things done. His family seems to think I'm a fool for working hard.
So, it seems to me that to these people making babies is something to be proud of but academic or career success isn't really something to be proud about. Am I right in this assessment?
Having a baby is a much more momentous occasion for a family than getting an associates degree, it just is. That being said, its weird that his parents didn't show up for the ceremony.
His sisters laughing about you working long hours could mean they think motherhood is the easy or the "right" route, and you are a fool for taking another.
So you seem to be pretty much right in your assessment!
And yes, they are foolish for devaluing education, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Having a baby is a much more momentous occasion for a family than getting an associates degree, it just is. That being said, its weird that his parents didn't show up for the ceremony.
His sisters laughing about you working long hours could mean they think motherhood is the easy or the "right" route, and you are a fool for taking another.
So you seem to be pretty much right in your assessment!
And yes, they are foolish for devaluing education, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
Well, no I'm not saying it's foolish for them to devalue education. For all we know, from the cosmic standpoint, they may be on the right side and I'm the foolish one.
I'm just trying to understand poor people mentality, I guess. Do they really think it's a good thing to have a baby in their teens? Do they really think it's not a problem for the dad to disappear? Do they really think academic and career successes are not things to be proud of?
But there are tons of people who haven't been brought up to aspire to, or respect, education. Naturally, it's easy to disparage what you don't have, in a sour-grapes kind of way.
No, this is not a thread to bash some people. They can do whatever they want. I accept that. I'm just working on understanding how they think. What their priorities are.
I don't feel like explaining again the background, so I'll just link to a thread I started a while back.
I've been trying to understand the differences between what makes them proud versus what makes us proud.
When one of my boyfriend's sisters had a baby back when she was 17, the whole family went to visit, including us 2. Everyone was cheering for the new born baby and congratulating the sister. The dad was also there high fiving his friends and brothers. He disappeared after that, though, and never came back leaving her to raise the baby on her own.
Back in June, my boyfriend and I invited everyone to come to his graduation ceremony. He just had his associates degree. Everyone on my side that we invited came to the ceremony and we all went back to our place for some food and stuff. Not a single person from his side came. He called them and every single person (mom, dad, sisters, cousins, aunts, etc.) had something to do that day.
It's something that's disturbed me all this time. He's been working really hard to get good grades. He'll be going to a university this incoming spring semester. I certainly know how hard it's been to get to where he is. But it doesn't seem like his family cares all that much about him succeeding in school.
His sisters, who are still not working, some times come over to visit. I've caught them making fun of me for working long hours a few times. I'm in management at an engineering firm, so of course some times I work long hours to get things done. His family seems to think I'm a fool for working hard.
So, it seems to me that to these people making babies is something to be proud of but academic or career success isn't really something to be proud about. Am I right in this assessment?
Dont concern yourself with them. I am assuming there are few success stories coming from his side and it shows. They never learned common courtesy or to be proud and thats what you have here. If it doesnt bother your boyfriend and its not causing a problem in your relationship move on. How do they interact with you both in general? Would they be part of your wedding if you get married? Unfortunately when you marry the man you also marry his family.
Children's children are valuable to parents, because being a grandparent is an honor. That said, though, education is not a bad thing, and in my opinion a decent family would support education and family equally. From my standpoint, it's ridiculous to cheer on a single parent, or even a parent without means, because the child is going to need a lot of emotional and intellectual support that it will not get if its mother is living like a "welfare queen." Even if you have to wait until your 40s and adopt, it's probably better than depending on support and limiting yourself just to "have a child." Some poor women, though, see having a baby as an important rite of passage.
If you ask me, it may also be a form of control. The matriarch knows that a young woman burdened with the expense and responsibility of raising a child will have little time to think and question her and will continue to need her support. She may encourage the daughter to apply for disability so that she can continue to receive a check to pay for herself and the rest of the household expenses. I've seen this happen in minority households a lot. Two or three families may be living in the same house, all drawing disability stipends. Usually, the main family takes the money from their children as payment for staying in the house and providing necessary items.
Humans are driven by their needs and wants and most are driven by their biological clock.
Life is like building a house, you need a good foundation to base your building upon and education while you are young is very important. As you progress through the stages in your life adding marriage and family to your biological family tree, you want to make sure that the decisions that you make are based on logic and not out of fear and desperation because you don't have the financial means to do it right the first time because of motivating factors that weren't quite what they should be.
You're doing the right thing now and as you age, you will see other's relationships deteriorate because the decisions they made were too premature because they had to have it all right now.
Life is not a race, it's an endurance march so choose your steps wisely and you will reach the point at some point in your life's passage of becoming self actualized because your mind is financially free.
You are not the first to observe this behavior. I read an interesting article once by a social worker who works with teenage mothers in poor areas. She said outsiders always wonder why these girls don't aspire to finish high school and go to college and get the hell out of their situation. It's so obvious to everyone else that this is the path they should take. Instead, they get pregnant.
But in their world, having a baby is adulthood. That means they are grown up. College isn't even a thought. That's something other people do. It's irrelevant to their lives. Another factor was that most of these girls have no idea of the concept that you can say no to sex. When your "man" wants to have sex with you, you accommodate him. Saying no or using birth control at least doesn't occur to them. It's just the way life is in their view.
You are not the first to observe this behavior. I read an interesting article once by a social worker who works with teenage mothers in poor areas. She said outsiders always wonder why these girls don't aspire to finish high school and go to college and get the hell out of their situation. It's so obvious to everyone else that this is the path they should take. Instead, they get pregnant.
But in their world, having a baby is adulthood. That means they are grown up. College isn't even a thought. That's something other people do. It's irrelevant to their lives. Another factor was that most of these girls have no idea of the concept that you can say no to sex. When your "man" wants to have sex with you, you accommodate him. Saying no or using birth control at least doesn't occur to them. It's just the way life is in their view.
Well, the obvious question is do they know that's how other people see them? Or is it one of those where you don't know your breath stinks but others can smell it?
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