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The past 18 months since I finished my undergrad have been absolutely miserable. I have only held one job in that time as a pizza delivery driver and have mostly wasted my time on the Internet, video games, drinking, and dabbling on guitar. I am such a slacker it is embarassing. I believe my issues stem from narcissism to compensate for low self worth.
I think my recent lack of motivation stems from the fact all my dreams are extremely grandiose and not based in reality. For example I wanted to become a "rock star" upon finishing college even though I am simply not good enough to play music as a career and I do not even have much passion for it. I was extremely serious about music until three years ago when my first CD was widely panned for my bad singing, resulting in me feeling too embarassed to continue. Despite my complete loss of confidence, I still dreamed of becoming a "rock star," meanwhile not pursuing that dream (I knew deep down I was not musically talented.) I was the quintessential loser dwelling in his mom's basement.
After figuring out I need to pursue a career this fall, I realized that I need a career so I decised, "why not become a famous artist?" I always enjoyed a good reception with my art and I just love art generally. I could not get a museum job, and am a very creative person so I thought it was suitable. Again, a delusion. My technical abilities are not well developed and I could not make anything worth selling until I developed those abilities. Like with music, I never really learned the ropes of making art because I thought everything I made was automatically good, and I am a genius because I want to be.
Currently, I sleep on my sister's couch in exchange for babysitting. This situation is unbearable. I am trying to change. I am switching to a new antidepressant that helps with anxiety (my last drug did not). I am trying to mentally interrogate myself into coming to terms with having to take a job like everyone else. I am trying to get started living on my own and possibly moving out of state. I am almost 24 and I am struggling to accept how far behind I have fallen. I cannot trust my own instinct because I know my worldview is not based in reality, rather my immense desire to be accepted by other people to replace the inherent self worth I never obtained growing up. I honestly fear it's too late for me to become a productive member of society. I am struggling and I don't know what to do. Thanks.
You are very young still so it's not too late. You recognize the problem so that is the first step. Do you have access to counseling/therapy? That might help over time in changing this mindset. You don't have to be the best or most recognized. You just have to find something that allows you to support yourself, that you can enjoy or at least tolerate, and ideally that contributes in some positive way to the world, or at least does not do significant harm. Maybe for now just start with a job, say retail at an art store or admin assistant somewhere, that you can do and is hopefully not to hard to get. I don't know what you majored in but maybe something entry level in that area could be an option too. Then go from there.
It's okay to want to be successful or recognized but yes you do have to be realistic and keep goals in line with your abilities. You can beat narcissistic tendencies by being authentic and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and also accepting that you're no more entitled to have what you want than anyone else. Keep the long view and remember most things worth having and doing take time. Nothing wrong with that but it does require some patience and the ability to enjoy where you are now (otherwise you could wish your whole life away waiting for some future goal to be met) as well as an eye toward where you want to be headed. Seems like for now if you just do something, any regular job, that should be a good start for you in terms of helping to break this pattern and get you out of your situation. Small successes are often just as emotionally rewarding as bigger ones. Work on building up those small successes, it will boost your confidence and happiness and competence, and eventually the big ones will almost naturally come as a result of the small ones accumulating over time.
I saw on another one of your posts you mentioned working on a cruise boat or some other "adventure." Why not? if the getting any old job doesn't sound great, then maybe try the adventure. Maybe it will lead to something or help in your development in some way or just be enjoyable. But if so far in life you've been making choices based on wanting to be seen a certain way, then just make sure you are now making choices based on different reasons--doing things you will actually enjoy, or that will at least contribute to your goals such as living independently, supporting yourself, etc. If before you focused on easy answers and wanting immediate satisfaction, now focus on accepting that things take time and that you will be willing to put in time and enjoy the present regardless of whether you are at the end goal yet or not.
You don't need to figure out a whole career right now, just start with something that will get you out of your rut, boost your self-esteem, and help you put aside the unrealistic tendencies. You're still very young so don't stress about time. Just do something. Doing something, taking a first step, no matter how small is almost always helpful, especially when stuck in a rut. I'd start by finding something that I would enjoy. But if you don't enjoy much, then try to just find something anything that will be better than what you're doing now. If it beats sleeping on the couch and babysitting then go for it. You can move on to the next thing later. First step is just moving forward from where you currently are. Hopefully the meds will help too and you will find things easier in time. Don't give up and try not to stress. It usually doesn't help (beyond that little bit that's sometime might helps propel us into action). But action does.
Entitlement is one of the traits of narcissism. But you may not check off the many other traits.
It doesn't matter. Entitlement alone can derail you, as you know.
You have to figure out what's behind your need to feel more significant than others. You probably will be disappointed to find, though, that there is no magic pill for your problem. Sometimes the only answer is a cliche: Just do it.
Entitlement is one of the traits of narcissism. But you may not check off the many other traits.
It doesn't matter. Entitlement alone can derail you, as you know.
You have to figure out what's behind your need to feel more significant than others. You probably will be disappointed to find, though, that there is no magic pill for your problem. Sometimes the only answer is a cliche: Just do it.
Agreed. At least I finally realized that you need to work towards things and everyone starts at the bottom. I think I am overwhelmed with bitterness right now because of this realization.
Agreed. At least I finally realized that you need to work towards things and everyone starts at the bottom. I think I am overwhelmed with bitterness right now because of this realization.
Narcissists generally do not recognize it or vehemently deny it.
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