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I recently ended a relationship with someone who kept on pointing out the imperfections in me and always comparing me to other girls and complimenting them , sometimes just to make me jealous , the remarks were not only for me but for my friends and how this one is too skinny and the other has an ugly face and how would a man accept to be in a relationship with such ugly girl etc.
After much thinking i discovered that he chose to be with me because he thought i have better chances of having high social status in the future , all he keeps talking about is money and how rich families are living a luxurious life , he rarely offers to see me and talk about our relationship but on the other side kept on clinging to it ...I feel betrayed because i loved him for who he is but i failed to notice his real intentions , as a consequence i started feeling unworthy of love and how i should work on having a perfect body because his words repeart in my head every time i look in the mirror even after our break up , i'm not that beautiful nor ugly , i'm not skinny nor overweight , i just prefer a more natural look and avoid putting on too much make up , i know i should love the way i look and dress up but i can't do it , he really hurted me , so what should i do to overcome my fear of being imperfect and be able to trust men again ?
You have developed what is called a reflected sense of self. It's like other people are mirrors and your only idea of your worth is based on what you see reflected back to you. You don't want a reflected sense of self. That is like saying, "I am who I am in YOUR eyes. I need your approval in order to feel good about myself." That is NOT a good way to live.
I went through a similar experience, and yes, you can and will get past it. I had a boyfriend in college who treated me that way. I would obsess over every little flaw I had because he would point them out, on me, or on other people, but then refer to me. I was naturally like 115lbs, but after having mono I went down to like 109, and he said he wanted me to stay at that weight, so I actually bought into it. He even had me obsessing about the tiny, almost invisible blonde hairs on my face and arms. He would enjoy having me stand naked in front of him so he could "inspect" me. Is one of your nipples bigger than the other? Did you always have that line between your a$$ cheek and the back of your thigh? I used to actually feel grateful when he would find something good to compliment about me!
I finally dumped him at the end of college, and I realized that this was his way of controlling me, and trying to ensure that I wouldn't leave him. After all, I had all these horrible flaws, no other guy would want me, so I was lucky to have him, right?
It's now like 20+ years later, and I do not regret that relationship. I'm grateful I had that experience, when young, so I could learn from it. It was him just brainwashing me, because of his own inferiority. Yes, you feel awful now, but in the long run you'll be better off now that it's over, but also having benefited from that bad experience.
Rather than write the same old thing over and over again I kindly direct you to the end of this thread here, where I explained how I came out of my low/zero confidence funk
I feel 100% good with myself now by the way after nearly a lifetime of mental self-abuse
If I ever find Bob Griswold out somewhere I'll probably give him a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek (no homo)
The man saved me
His tapes on confidence, love, relationships were a life changer
I'd listened to them every day for months and months and months until all the mental **** cleared away
If your Google-fu is good you might be able to find his audios for free on the web
If not, his CDs and tapes are worth whatever they are
Good luck! They should teach this stuff in school, seriously
I went through a similar experience, and yes, you can and will get past it. I had a boyfriend in college who treated me that way. I would obsess over every little flaw I had because he would point them out, on me, or on other people, but then refer to me. I was naturally like 115lbs, but after having mono I went down to like 109, and he said he wanted me to stay at that weight, so I actually bought into it. He even had me obsessing about the tiny, almost invisible blonde hairs on my face and arms. He would enjoy having me stand naked in front of him so he could "inspect" me. Is one of your nipples bigger than the other? Did you always have that line between your a$$ cheek and the back of your thigh? I used to actually feel grateful when he would find something good to compliment about me!
I finally dumped him at the end of college, and I realized that this was his way of controlling me, and trying to ensure that I wouldn't leave him. After all, I had all these horrible flaws, no other guy would want me, so I was lucky to have him, right?
It's now like 20+ years later, and I do not regret that relationship. I'm grateful I had that experience, when young, so I could learn from it. It was him just brainwashing me, because of his own inferiority. Yes, you feel awful now, but in the long run you'll be better off now that it's over, but also having benefited from that bad experience.
After reading your post , i realized too that feeling inferior is what drove my ex to behave that way too , and yes , i felt exactly like he was doing me a favor by accepting to be in a relationship with me because no other guy would , but the question is why would a man stay in a relationship that is making him feel inferior ?shouldn't moving on and finding his equal be the best solution instead of destroying a woman's self-confidence?
Rather than write the same old thing over and over again I kindly direct you to the end of this thread here, where I explained how I came out of my low/zero confidence funk
I feel 100% good with myself now by the way after nearly a lifetime of mental self-abuse
If I ever find Bob Griswold out somewhere I'll probably give him a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek (no homo)
The man saved me
His tapes on confidence, love, relationships were a life changer
I'd listened to them every day for months and months and months until all the mental **** cleared away
If your Google-fu is good you might be able to find his audios for free on the web
If not, his CDs and tapes are worth whatever they are
Good luck! They should teach this stuff in school, seriously
I will look them up on google ,the CDs seem very helpful with such cases .
Loyal Heart: Read that article that Wmsn4Life provided, read till you know it by heart and believe it.
Also read what I wrote for Norne in his thread; "How do I get rid of anger and hatred?"
"Thought Recognition' is the key.
for gods sakes,,,,, why in hell would you live to seek approval or acceptance from someone else??
why give others power.control/judgement over you????????????????????
you aren't 10 yrs old,,,you are an adult,,,act like one,,,,buck up buttercup and be the woman you want to be
we may be the sum of yesterdays,,,,but we can be whatever we want to be today and tomorrow
for gods sakes,,,,, why in hell would you live to seek approval or acceptance from someone else??
why give others power.control/judgement over you????????????????????
you aren't 10 yrs old,,,you are an adult,,,act like one,,,,buck up buttercup and be the woman you want to be
we may be the sum of yesterdays,,,,but we can be whatever we want to be today and tomorrow
Sometimes we accept some things that are unfair and unreasonable just to protect that love.
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