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I need some advice. I know you're not psychologists, but I really start wondering what's going on with me and if I'm just going through a rough patch (that's damn long) or if I actually need help.
So, a few years back (early 20ies), I was pretty different from now. I was super outgoing, never had a problem to meet new people and have conversations with strangers. I was single for many years, and really happy with it. I rarely missed having someone, and I actually enjoyed evenings just buy myself with a glass of wine and Netflix. I barely ever cried, I never felt that I needed to. I had a lot of motivation to work and grow my career, I had an impressive CV as a young person already.
Over three years ago, I got into a relationship, and maybe that's what changed me. While he was the sweetest guy ever in the beginning, he became abusive after a while. He was hot and cold, some days the nicest guy, other days he broke up with me out of nowhere. I moved to his city to be with him, and felt incredibly lonely because I had no friends and family around, and felt incredibly stupid to have left my city to be with a guy that breaks up with me every couple of months. All the time I was scared about him leaving me again, and I often cried myself to sleep, yet I didn't find the energy to leave him because I loves him so much. I cried hysterically almost every time we fought, scared of losing him again and being lonelier than before. He cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend, after that I wasn't only scared of losing him, but him betraying me again, him leaving me for another girl. When he sometimes didn't text me, I had horror scenarios in my head, of him being with another girl. Sometimes, after we fought, he would ignore me for days, or even stayed at his parents or went on vacation without telling me, ignoring me completly for two weeks sometimes. I was deeply miserable many times, even started drinking a lot of alcohol on some evenings, and started smoking to calm my nerves. I was a complete wreck, and felt so ashamed that I didn't tell anyone about it. I felt like a worthless piece of crap many times, and it started to affect everything else in my life. I had no motivation to work anymore, I lost some friends etc.
A year ago, after he broke up with me six(!!!) times in 2.5 years, I finally found the strenghts to break up with him, which I know I should have done years ago. Ever since, I feel like I'm not the happy and positive person as I used to be. I moved back to the city I lived before meeting him, the city I was so incredibly happy. I expected to be the same again, but I just wasn't (and I still am not). I'm still often doubting if I should move somewhere else again, but maybe that would just mean running away from myself. I now hate being alone, I'm the happiest when I drink (I almost never get drunk, but I love to drink) with friends in some bar or apartment and talk, talk. When I wake up alone the next morning, or when people don't have time to meet me and I'm alone all day, I feel depressed and wonder if my life has any sense and if I'll ever be truly happy. I often wished I would meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after, but I realize that I'm only hoping that someone would come and save me from myself. I have tried dating again, but I have never felt anything for anyone. I don't care about any guy, even the nice ones I went out with a couple of times. I also have no interest in sex or casual hookups. And even though I hate being alone and by myself, I often am, because I also got really shy. I have some old friends that I trust and I'm okay to be around, but new people make me really nervous, and I catch myself blushing and even shaking when I talk to them. I often think that people judge every move I make, or what I say, and I'm scared of looking stupid. The only passions I seem to have are sports (or maybe it's more an obsession, I go to the gym almost every day) and traveling (because maybe it's an escape from my actual life). I'm often dreaming of how my life could be and should be, but in reality I don't really know what to change. Sometimes I think I deserve how I feel, and that I don't deserve happiness. I sometimes feel like I deserved how my ex-boyfriend treated me, because I'm just not good enough. Objectively my life is great, I have a nice apartment, I have money saved up, I work independently. I just feel so empty inside many times. And even though I objectively know I'm goodlooking, I'm in extreme fear of aging, missing my life and getting to old to be happy. I sometimes have a really low self esteem and hate to look at myself in the mirror, or I'm extremly self-conscious, always worrying about how I look, if my boobs are too small, my teeth are too big, my belly is not flat enough or whatever. I even think about having plastic surgeries sometimes, even though I know I don't need it (and I wouldn't do it because I'm way too scared). I just think I don't like myself very much, and I don't know what to do with myself. I do work (as mentioned, I have an independent business I run), but I'm really dreading it, even though this job was always my dream and I actually liked it at one point. I'm procrastinating and just stay in bed sometimes all day and read stupid articles or google the problems I have til I fall asleep. I don't cry very much anymore, only when I drink and are at home alone. I cannot and don't want to tell anyone about my problems, to the few friends I have I'm pretending that I'm totally fine, and still happy and fun to be around. I have phases where I cannot sleep all night almost (and fall asleep at 5am in the morning only to wake up two hours later and be tired all day) because my mind is running even though I'm tired, and other times I could sleep all day. I also think I make my happiness dependent on other people, and feel hurt and sad when they don't do what I hoped them to do.
What do you think I have? I really don't want to be like this, but I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind and body. What should I do?
Thanks for posting
I'll say you've over analyzed the bad things in your life and blamed yourself for other peoples' behavior
Your boyfriend is a selfish person (most men are, I know I am)
You took this to mean, "He doesn't want me in the picture most times. Must be something I'm doing wrong?" NO it's him being selfish with his time and energy -- he doesn't care about people -- he thought you were convenient to add to his life for the time he did
You have your own business
I'll say that's a great achievement! I couldn't get my business off the ground (because I'm stubborn when it comes to rules, laws, regulations, doing what I'm told, etc.)
Everything else you wrote sounds normal
You don't have to blame yourself for what has happened, never had to
Things are s*** sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And give up wanting to control other people, make them do things
That may lead to people resenting you (what I would do if told 'do ___, do ___, do ___.')
Instead, give gentle suggestions
Most women can't do that or control themselves so I give them the silent treatment
OP, if he was abusive (it's not clear from your post what that entailed), you may have suffered some emotional trauma. It sounds like it, from the symptoms you're now displaying. Google around your town for psychologists that specialize in trauma and/or relationship issues, and get some professional help. Sometimes this sort of thing is too much for us to overcome on our own, and we need help getting back on an even keel. Besides, wouldn't you feel better if you had someone to talk to about it? Obamacare insurance generally covers a certain number of sessions for mental health care, so hopefully you can afford it It would be a good investment in yourself.
As women we give so much of ourselves. Many times to those who don't deserve us. Learn to listen to your intuition. What did it say to you about this guy? Don't beat yourself up because your heart is working like it's supposed to. That's the beautiful thing about being vulnerable and feminine. That's a good thing. Instead try to get in touch with the side of you that allowed you to stay with him after he started treating you badly. It's not so much about him anymore. But, you're having a hard time moving on because the part of you that allowed you to stay is still hurting and needs attention. The sooner you do this, you'll forgive yourself and be able to move on with your life. Lessons in tact. Ready to love again or enjoy single-hood. Your heart's still broken from this. But, you're perfectly normal. Just in a stormy season. It'll pass...
What do you think I have? I really don't want to be like this, but I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind and body. What should I do?
Thanks.
I don't think you necessarily "have" anything, it just sounds like you went through an abusive relationship which you have not yet recovered from. An abuser will break down your self confidence and happiness, to try to make you completely dependent on them emotionally. He has basically conditioned you to feel worthless. That is a difficult thing to recover from. Talking to a therapist will help though.
Find a therapist that does Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's where you train yourself to have positive thoughts in reaction to your negative feelings, which stops the negative cycle of your negative thoughts feeding your negative feelings. I think it could really help you recover from the abuse you suffered and get back to normal.
Give it some time & the pain will fade away over time. What you are feeling is normal. Coming out of an abusive relationship is not easy. It breaks even the strongest, happiest, most confident person so don't feel bad about being so miserable. Hang on to your job, friends, family. Keep exercising to look & feel better. If you feel that drinking is becoming an issue, join a support group & seek therapy. The abuse already took away a piece of your personality. Don't let it take away your career, health & reputation. You cannot undo whats done so over analyzing your past & criticizing yourself is not going to help either. The best advice I can give you at this point is hang in there because time heals everything.
Something I have found very helpful when I feel ungrateful is volunteering for the less fortunate. There are so many things we take for granted & when we work with the homeless, sick, unfortunate people we suddenly see our countless blessings. Holidays are a great time to spread some cheer so volunteer locally at a hospital, soup kitchen, retirement homes, etc. where people will appreciate your time & efforts.
There is no guarantee that you wont go through the same heartbreak again but atleast you will know you can survive it. You just have to keep living & try to be happy & healthy. Everyone has their own struggles & issues they need to fight. People around you may appear happy but we are fighting our own battles so don't think you are the only one going through this. Heartbreak & abuse are so common that there are books & forums being written about it & experts out there to help you out through this. So don't feel like you are alone. You can overcome this with the right attitude & help. As long as you learnt even one useful lesson from this bad experience, its not a total loss. Bad people come in our lives to make us stronger & teach us valuable lessons for life. When their work is done, they leave us. You will go through many ups & downs in your life so prepare yourself. When you have a safety net of a career, family, friends, hobbies, health & finances, you can bounce right back from any bad experience so keep your safety net very strong & close to you.
All the best. I hope this holiday season will heal you & bring you lots of blessings.
It's a very sad fact of our existence but the only path to wisdom and grace is through pain. I'm sorry you experienced abuse. I have too, and consented to it for 15 years, out of a lack of self esteem. I am grateful every day that we never had kids together.
You are responsible for your happiness. No one else. When we recognize abuse it is our obligation to remove ourselves from it and more importantly, take NO blame for it. The experts would say that because you came to believe that whatever he said about you or did to you was justified, you are now replacing him in the job of demeaning yourself, picking up from where he left off. No one can expect to be happy if they are their own worst enemy.
So now your task is to begin to rebuild your sense of self worth. It is still right there inside you where you had it before he came along and dismantled it, with your consent.
Counseling would help you a lot if you can get it. Best of luck!
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