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Playful teasing and banter require a good ability to read body language, situations, not to mention the relationship with the person.
Neurotypicals struggle with this and I'd suspect you do as well considering folks on the spectrum are known to have a tougher time with those things.
I do struggle with it, and finding out I was on the spectrum helped me understand why, perhaps. I just think it's a little unfair that people, even adults, not just the kids I work with, feel okay with teasing me, but I can't really answer back. It doesn't really make me uncomfortable, like I said before. I like this form of expression, to an extent, and I feel like allowing other people to do it to me gives me justification for trying to do it back to them, but I can't really do it back to them. The last person I teased told me to "stop it," after I did it to her for years as a child. She explained that it hurt her. Our relationship changed after that. We remained friends, but I stopped teasing her because she finally had enough courage to tell me that she didn't like it. That hasn't stopped her from teasing me, though. I'm not really mad at her for doing it; I just don't like that I can't do it back to her--or any of the people who do it to me, for that matter. I don't want to tell them to stop, though, because it's a good way to deal with me when I make mistakes in social situations; it's just sort of an uneven relationship.
I think everyone likes to be the "bully," but of course no one like to be bullied. I'm not saying you're bullying her, but plenty of people would rather tease than be teased. Why? Because no one likes to be judged or criticized or put on the spot, even if you're laughing while saying it or meant it as a joke. Plenty of people can dish it, but can't take it, like your childhood friend. If you can take it, then let her keep doing it.
Because you can take teasing absolutely does NOT mean others will. You shouldn't put your own expectations on other people. You are not them and they are not you.
Playful teasing is about the other person getting a genuine laugh out of it, just as much as you -- its "sharing" a joke. If they don't laugh, think about what you said to them.
If someone says something to you that you didn't like, tell them that, otherwise they won't know.
These two threads were merged for some reason, the moderator thought that these were too similar topics to stand alone, I suppose, but my recent question can be found on page six. This is not the original thread to which this post belongs. It starts with the quoted portion below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
Hi,
I've always wondered a little about this. How exactly does teasing work, and how can some people get away with it, or even leave the "victim" feeling good about it? I've tried playful teasing in the past (before I knew I had ASD--Autism Spectrum Disorder, also known as Asperger's) and the results were predictable. My "friends" got angry with me and retaliated in ways that were uncalled for. I feel like I've learned more as I've gotten older, but I've had people tease me in the past, even say somewhat mean things to me, but I didn't get mad. I considered them odd, sometimes amusing, but nothing to get upset about. I also don't understand why even my close friends don't tolerate being playfully teased. What's the secret to properly using this form of communication and not making people upset?
Mod note: This thread-starting post has been merged with a prior thread on the same topic.
A side note: I totally understand that it is inappropriate for an adult to play with a child that way. It might even be grounds for firing! Every game has to have rules, and teasing is a very gray area in this country. This time, I'm only asking the question above.
Wow. I'm a little more paranoid after watching a documentary on cyber-bullying. I was going to tell about a positive experience with my students today while watching the documentary, but I'm now thinking there are a million things that could go wrong if tell too much about my job on the internet. I mean, my boss could be reading this thread and may not see my "anonymous" posts as appropriate. Oh, please tell me I'm just being paranoid.
I've always wondered a little about this. How exactly does teasing work, and how can some people get away with it, or even leave the "victim" feeling good about it? I've tried playful teasing in the past (before I knew I had ASD--Autism Spectrum Disorder, also known as Asperger's) and the results were predictable. My "friends" got angry with me and retaliated in ways that were uncalled for. I feel like I've learned more as I've gotten older, but I've had people tease me in the past, even say somewhat mean things to me, but I didn't get mad. I considered them odd, sometimes amusing, but nothing to get upset about. I also don't understand why even my close friends don't tolerate being playfully teased. What's the secret to properly using this form of communication and not making people upset?
Mod note: This thread-starting post has been merged with a prior thread on the same topic.
As noted previously, successful banter requires being able to read people, including picking up on nonverbal cues, and having a fairly sharp insightfulness regarding how the person you're interacting with is likely to take your approach. When it's somebody you don't know well, any banter should be kept pretty light, because you simply don't have that kind of insight.
,
It strikes me that you struggle with reading others successfully, and picking up subtle interpersonal cues is a widely recognized challenge for people on the autism spectrum. The other issue is that you seem to project your own responses to being teased or treated unkindly onto others; for instance, because unkind treatment doesn't particularly faze you, it seems that you fail to recognize that it typically does pose a problem for others.
Friendly teasing is a subtle art. Subtleties are hard for people with autism, often.
It doesn't sound like something that you will ever master. If you don't get it, you can't do it. It is an art form. Every social situation comes with it's own set of unspoken rules.
You could watch TV and see how it's done. There is plenty of shows that use those techniques but the idea is to be playful and not hurtful.
One thing that might work for you is role play. You could find a partner who wants to play and it isn't personal because it isn't really you who is being picked on, or who is picking on the other person. That could be called teasing but there is a fine line between friendly teasing and unfriendly teasing. You don't see the line.
If you wanted to practice that or explore it then find a friend and do some role play. That might be hard but if you were in therapy then you could do it there. That is a common technique that is used in therapy. It sounds like you have some real issues and difficulties understanding the social nuances. You always will but it seems like you are searching for more understanding.
Comedy or improv could work. That isn't a bad idea. It is an idea that you could explore and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. It might be an outlet.
Teasing is teasing whether playful or intended otherwise. Playfulness and teasing do not go together. Only my opinion.
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I'm not really mad at her for doing it; I just don't like that I can't do it back to her--or any of the people who do it to me, for that matter. I don't want to tell them to stop, though, because it's a good way to deal with me when I make mistakes in social situations; it's just sort of an uneven relationship.
