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Old 12-21-2015, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Neptune
137 posts, read 118,916 times
Reputation: 245

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...is what my daughter said when she came back, and she's right.

I'm mainly posting this to vent.

My adult daughter seems to be having some sort of breakdown. In a previous post, I wondered whether she was mentally ill and now I'm convinced that she is. She just moved back here two weeks ago from AZ after spending time in jail. My husband and I are on a fixed income and we scraped up what little we had for her to get back, which was a mistake in my opinion but she convinced my husband to help.

When she got back, the first thing she wanted to do was meet up with an old boyfriend that has just been released from a psychiatric hospital himself for attempted suicide and who is now living at his parent's house. We told her that wasn't a good idea. She wanted to bring him here and my husband said that's out of the question. I don't think she's gone to see him yet, but he told her he won't believe she's back until he sees her, so she probably has. She only hears what she wants to hear and if someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, it goes in one ear and out the other.

She then got in touch with another old boyfriend who just recently divorced. She tells him she can't live with us, so he offers to let her stay at his house until she got on her feet. A week later she gets in an argument with him about his kids, so he told her he didn't think it was going to work out and she had to leave today. I'm convinced she just did that so that she could come back here. She doesn't want to work and she figured eventually she would have to if she stayed there.

She just wants to be able to do what she wants and have no responsibility. She's driving a car that has no insurance, expired plates and she owes money on. She started threatening suicide again, which is what she does when she can't get he way, then said she'd be coming back here to stay for a few days.

And before anyone starts with the "poor parenting", regardless of how she was raised, she's a grown 36 year old woman and as far as I'm concerned, after a certain age that's a poor excuse. There are plenty of people who have grown up in all kinds of circumstances and are well-adjusted, productive members of society. To me, this is just an excuse for her to be lazy and act like a child for as long as she can get away with it. And if she is mentally ill, she should be mature enough to recognize it and get help.
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Old 12-21-2015, 12:12 PM
 
30,876 posts, read 36,858,638 times
Reputation: 34467
I agree that at 36, poor parenting is a poor excuse. What our parents did or didn't do for us has to have an expiration date.

At the same time, if you and your husband continue the enabling behavior, you will get more of the same.

I will say, however, the thing about mental illness is that mentally ill people don't recognize it. A mark of mentally well people is they occasionally question their sanity in difficult situations. Mentally ill people do not. I do think mental illness falls on a spectrum, and I do think most mentally ill people do have some control over their behavior. But expecting that she'll recognize her mental illness on her own and then do something about it is very unrealistic.

It sounds like you and your DH could stand to get some counseling or go to a support group so that you can help yourselves and your daughter--or at least limit the damage she does.
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Old 12-21-2015, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,599 posts, read 1,802,512 times
Reputation: 4917
What type of illness do you think she has? What you've said doesn't really point to anything except for extreme irresponsibility and lack of accountability. The suicide threats are just a way to control you so she can get her way. If she was serious about it, she would have done something by now. She may need therapy to sort through some issues and get her on track, but mostly I think she needs to get a part time job and go to school. If she wants to continue living with you, those need to be the rules and if she can't follow them, she needs to be kicked out. It will be hard for you to do, I can't imagine having to do that to my kids, but sometimes people have to hit complete rock bottom before they can change. Hopefully being homeless and hungry will do that for her. If refuses to get a job and/or go to school, kick her out, change the locks. If she says she's going to kill herself, you may need to call her bluff. Tell her that you hope she won't and that you'll miss her terribly, but that it is her choice to make. Don't give into her demands over empty threats.
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Old 12-21-2015, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Neptune
137 posts, read 118,916 times
Reputation: 245
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I agree that at 36, poor parenting is a poor excuse. What our parents did or didn't do for us has to have an expiration date.

At the same time, if you and your husband continue the enabling behavior, you will get more of the same.

I will say, however, the thing about mental illness is that mentally ill people don't recognize it. A mark of mentally well people is they occasionally question their sanity in difficult situations. Mentally ill people do not. I do think mental illness falls on a spectrum, and I do think most mentally ill people do have some control over their behavior. But expecting that she'll recognize her mental illness on her own and then do something about it is very unrealistic.

It sounds like you and your DH could stand to get some counseling or go to a support group so that you can help yourselves and your daughter--or at least limit the damage she does.
She definitely doesn't think there's anything wrong with her, it's everybody else.

I'm definitely going for some counseling.
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Old 12-21-2015, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Phoenix
988 posts, read 679,568 times
Reputation: 1132
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I agree that at 36, poor parenting is a poor excuse. What our parents did or didn't do for us has to have an expiration date.
While I agree with this sentiment, I don't think it's the whole story. There are parents who take a deeply antagonistic posture towards their children and maintain that posture essentially forever. Like anybody who is mentally ill, these parents might not identify their own (continuing, into their children's adult lives) hostile actions as such. Mild example: Calling a boss to confidentially discuss their child's history, what to watch out for, etc. Some parents might see something like that as helpful to their child. But I think that many advocates for the child (lawyer, for example) would identify that kind of thing as antagonistic, especially if it interferes with the child's ability to remain employed, advance in their career, etc. In a case like that a child might not be angry at perceived slights received from their parents when they were 15 years old, but ongoing behavior that shows no sign of stopping. And of course a parent making that phone call is much more powerful and much more likely to damage the child than an ex-boss, for example. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on here, though!

Stronger example: A book that says this better than I can is "Home to the Wilderness" by Sally Carrighar.

And yes, I do own everything I do! Best.
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Old 12-21-2015, 02:54 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,109,197 times
Reputation: 62664
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Anony Mous View Post
...is what my daughter said when she came back, and she's right.

I'm mainly posting this to vent.

My adult daughter seems to be having some sort of breakdown. In a previous post, I wondered whether she was mentally ill and now I'm convinced that she is. She just moved back here two weeks ago from AZ after spending time in jail. My husband and I are on a fixed income and we scraped up what little we had for her to get back, which was a mistake in my opinion but she convinced my husband to help.

When she got back, the first thing she wanted to do was meet up with an old boyfriend that has just been released from a psychiatric hospital himself for attempted suicide and who is now living at his parent's house. We told her that wasn't a good idea. She wanted to bring him here and my husband said that's out of the question. I don't think she's gone to see him yet, but he told her he won't believe she's back until he sees her, so she probably has. She only hears what she wants to hear and if someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, it goes in one ear and out the other.

She then got in touch with another old boyfriend who just recently divorced. She tells him she can't live with us, so he offers to let her stay at his house until she got on her feet. A week later she gets in an argument with him about his kids, so he told her he didn't think it was going to work out and she had to leave today. I'm convinced she just did that so that she could come back here. She doesn't want to work and she figured eventually she would have to if she stayed there.

She just wants to be able to do what she wants and have no responsibility. She's driving a car that has no insurance, expired plates and she owes money on. She started threatening suicide again, which is what she does when she can't get he way, then said she'd be coming back here to stay for a few days.

And before anyone starts with the "poor parenting", regardless of how she was raised, she's a grown 36 year old woman and as far as I'm concerned, after a certain age that's a poor excuse. There are plenty of people who have grown up in all kinds of circumstances and are well-adjusted, productive members of society. To me, this is just an excuse for her to be lazy and act like a child for as long as she can get away with it. And if she is mentally ill, she should be mature enough to recognize it and get help.

Quit enabling her to continue to use your home as a flop house. Until then she has no reason to do anything but what she has been doing. Ask your husband when he is going to tire of being walked on and you both be on the same page about her.
I would be tempted to offer her a one way ticket anywhere she wants to go then cut off contact with her when she leaves.
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Old 12-21-2015, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Neptune
137 posts, read 118,916 times
Reputation: 245
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Quit enabling her to continue to use your home as a flop house. Until then she has no reason to do anything but what she has been doing. Ask your husband when he is going to tire of being walked on and you both be on the same page about her.
I would be tempted to offer her a one way ticket anywhere she wants to go then cut off contact with her when she leaves.
This may be the most important thing right now. Thanks!
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