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It's not all about you; yet you think it is. It's really not.
If you refuse to attend your sister's wedding over this, be prepared to have her completely cut you out of the rest of her life. This may very well mean you will never meet any future nieces or nephews.
I think you need to seek some mental health counseling. Clearly, growing up with an ill role model has affected your mental health more than you think.
this is a tough one and i find it sad how allot of people are answering your post like they are psychiatrists, like robots from a textbook.
yet numerous people giving that advice have posted in the past about their own life issues when you damn well know that it isn't always as simple as seperating the logical from the heart. there are repercussions no matter which side you choose whether its "right" or "wrong" we all have our own journey and perspective.
this is common with allot of know it alls looking from the outside in. i see it all the time on the job and its very telling to just sit back and watch a familys interactions for just a minute.
most people think their crap don't stink.
and the main reason i posted is because of the tragedy of how elderly and mentally ill people are treated. it is not even a one person job to interact with and care for these people. you can put in so much hard work, until it gets you sick and you will go unrewarded with doubt.
most of the people i come across are very crappy and don't have the tools to deal with these issues. i went through it a couple times myself with family members and it is absolutely draining.
its easy to tell the other guy how you should take care of somebody dealing with these issues and that they need to be responsible for their actions at some point. for some reason most gut reactions to dealing with the moment cannot grasp the hard truth that they are not right in the mind and that this can't be fixed, life isn't an after school special movie.
and wait until its YOU dealing with these people. i see worlds come crashing down and all your earlier advice goes out the window.
to this day it makes me nuts that most people still do not think about treating others how they want to be treated. seems so simple. so sad how many family members even turn on their own when hard times hit. living in the past is a terrible thing that will give you cancer and keep you up at night.
The next day I bring it up to my mom (i know she is not gonna agree with me) but I felt like speaking my mind. She gets really pissed and says she cant believe I would say that to my sister and try to manipulate her and make her choose. I tell her I have principle and just wasnt sure I could participate in something like that. I told her it was my sisters wedding and she can do what she wants. I can only give her my advice. No matter what she chooses I will not be mad or hold any grudges. I would respect her opinion. I simply would be disappointed and think she will regret it down the road. However, at the end of the day I got my own moral code and principles that I can not break. If the tables were reversed and my mom or sister felt strongly about something and said they wouldnt be able to come to my wedding I would understand and respect their decision even if I didnt agree with it. No hard feelings either way.
Mother refused to see it through my perspective and thought I was being selfish and trying to manipulate my sister and put her in a tough spot. She just couldnt believe I said that and was doing that to my sister.
It might appear that way but that was not my intentions at all.
Unbelievable:You are not merely giving advice or stating your opinion. You are not respecting your sister's opinion.
The tables don't have to be reversed. Your sister DOES feel strongly about this.
You are absolutely holding a grudge by refusing to attend the wedding. Your sister will never forgive you, and for what? Because you are trying to make her feel something she doesn't feel.
Have you even asked your Dad what HE thinks? Because he might disagree with you also. and then what do you have?
I told her it was my sisters wedding and she can do what she wants.
There is your answer.
Yes, you are out of line. Her wedding day isn't about you or your principles. It's not about your Dad either.
You need to be supportive of whatever decision she makes, and attend the wedding no matter what she chooses. I also think you owe her an apology for threatening that you would not be a part of her wedding if she doesn't do what you think she should.
I am not pushing it. I merely told her my opinion and what I would have to do. I am not gonna try to argue with her or make a big deal of it no matter what she chooses. If she chooses Dad to be in it, great I can attend. If she chooses not to, thats great also, it will save me 2,000 dollars in travel expenses.
This is the actual true reason for not attending, no matter how much fluff you put in the pillow, eventually it all comes out and the true size of that pillow is seen.
Haha, after posting the original question, the vast majority of posters has disagreed with your so-called "convictions." Time after time people have said that you are way out of line, you are being immature, and you are budding your nose into matters where it doesn't belong. And you just throw their opinions away in the name of your pretentious convictions.
So my question is, if you were not planning on listening to people's opinions in the first place, then what was the point of coming here to ask the question in the first place? And what was the point of wasting your time just to refute most peoples' opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by damac2004
its easy to tell the other guy how you should take care of somebody dealing with these issues and that they need to be responsible for their actions at some point. for some reason most gut reactions to dealing with the moment cannot grasp the hard truth that they are not right in the mind and that this can't be fixed, life isn't an after school special movie.
and wait until its YOU dealing with these people. i see worlds come crashing down and all your earlier advice goes out the window.
Actually, many of us have severely mentally ill parents as well. It does not make me sympathize with the OP, nor does it change the fact that he is poking his nose where it doesn't belong.
Haha, after posting the original question, the vast majority of posters has disagreed with your so-called "convictions." Time after time people have said that you are way out of line, you are being immature, and you are budding your nose into matters where it doesn't belong. And you just throw their opinions away in the name of your pretentious convictions.
So my question is, if you were not planning on listening to people's opinions in the first place, then what was the point of coming here to ask the question in the first place? And what was the point of wasting your time just to refute most peoples' opinions?
Actually, many of us have severely mentally ill parents as well. It does not make me sympathize with the OP, nor does it change the fact that he is poking his nose where it doesn't belong.
I just wanted to hear others opinion and have a discussion on the matter.
You said, you were not there when it really hit the fan. You were away at college.
You have no way of knowing what your sister and mother were put through by your father. You did not see it, so you say that she should let him walk down the aisle with her, without knowing what she went through. You are sticking up for your father, no matter how much he hurt your sister and mother.
You refuse to see, that your sister is afraid that your father will mess up the most important thing in her life, as she has a history of having him hurt her when you were not around.
From what the rest of us are seeing, your father has not earned the right to walk your sister down the aisle. She does not trust him, not to mess things up for her and destroy her big day.
You are the one in the wrong, and you are unwilling to accept it.
If you are a real man, you will support your sister in this decision she has made, and if asked if you are a man and she asks you will be there and walk her down the aisle. She needs you, and does not need someone she does not trust to be with her at one of the most important times in her life.
You would rather hurt her and screw up her big day, than support her, and if asked to walk her down the aisle.
You show by this action, that you really are not much of a man. Who would respect you, by being the type of man you are showing your are. One that will not support a sister that was put through hell while you were not there to see what was going on. The big day, is the one that the bride chooses how it will go, not a brother that does not even know or understand the pain his sister went through at the hands of her father. A man she does not trust to not ruin her big day.
You want her to have no man in her family that she can trust, and will be there when she needs him.
Be a man and tell your sister you will support her no matter what, and you will be there if she needs you. Your father blew it, and don't you blow it also
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