Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
For some reason "dead" as a word/meaning used to bug me, as the OP says.
I got over it. Don't know when or how, just did. I preferred died or passed on, etc.
I remember how traumatic it was for me to tell my parents my sister was dead, and on the phone no less while they were on vacation. I couldnt speak and barely eeked out "Nancy's dead. Nancy's dead" in an out of breath whisper. It bugged me I said "dead" and I wasn't compassionate about sharing it. I was freaking out really and really needed to find then contact my family, which was difficult at the time. I told my friend all this and how "dead" bothered me and I conveyed it poorly. He says: "It doesn't matter. It is the same truth no matter how you said it." And poof, I got over it.
Last edited by magpiehere; 01-19-2016 at 10:53 AM..
Anybody who refers to people close to them -- or to the listener -- as 'dying' may be emotionally distant, stoic, or callous.
Excuse me? Using a perfectly correct word would be considered callous or emotionally distant? Ridiculous. I have never referred to my mother's death as "passed away". She didn't pass anything....she died. I have never used that term ever, I don't think. In no way does that make me callous or emotionally distant.
Use to be "passed away" but now it's just "passed". Passed what? Sounds like a kidney stone.
It might be gas. Passed gas. Because dying can make you deflate. Or it might mean like in a race. We expected someone to die soon, but someone else passed right by them and died sooner.
Anyone who wants to be sensitive by not using the word "dead": using a euphemism is not the answer, because that would make it sound even less sensitive and more tragic. Instead, don't use any word for dead or died, but just say sorry, or sorry for your loss, or condolences, or whatever, without even mentioning death at all.
Anybody who refers to people close to them -- or to the listener -- as 'dying' may be emotionally distant, stoic, or callous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr
Excuse me? Using a perfectly correct word would be considered callous or emotionally distant? Ridiculous. I have never referred to my mother's death as "passed away". She didn't pass anything....she died. I have never used that term ever, I don't think. In no way does that make me callous or emotionally distant.
Stoicism is a high virtue, one to which I aspire.
I use the blunt word death when referring to my own closest relatives.
Speaking with acquaintances, however, regarding their own kinfolks and loved ones, I do use "passed on" unless or until they themselves first use the word "dead".
I do feel it would be callous to tell a coworker "I heard your brother died last night".
I'd go with "I'm sorry to hear you lost your brother last night, that he passed away at the hospital". Then if she says' "He died in his sleep", then I'll switch over to the blunter term.
Again! The focus of this discussion may be largely regional linguistic differences. Real traditional down-home southerners almost never refer to death bluntly. It's cultural.
But I feel that it should be the mourner who should be allowed to set the vocabulary for discussion of their loss. If the one suffering the loss says "dead", I say "dead". If they say "passed away", then I stick with "passed away" or "passed on".
Interesting topic actually, about the usage of certain words and how they may be bothersome to some people, while perhaps not others.
I usually say 'passed away' when referring to someone I've personally known, rather than 'died' or 'is dead'; however, that's not a hard and fast rule for me. 'Passed away' tends to simply be a gentler, more compassionate way to describe a death, I suppose because, psychologically, it's quite hard to deal with the death of someone known to the person.
A bit of an aside: I once had a conversation with my son and his girlfriend. His girlfriend's second language is English; she's Swedish, and has a good grasp of the English language, but will still sometimes stumble on words or phrases. That particular evening we were at a bar with a few other people and she was relating a story of why she'd had to work late one holiday: her boss at the time had suddenly taken ill and had to be rushed into surgery, as his appendix had ruptured. As she was telling us this she said, "So they hurried him in for the operation, and they put him down...."
Everyone stopped her at that point and said, "What? Put him down?"
"Yes", she replied. "You know, with the gas so he wouldn't feel anything." Then she tried to continue with her story, but at that point everyone had burst into laughter.
"Anna", we said, "If someone is being anesthetized for surgery, we don't say they're put down."
Anna seemed confused and said, "Why not? Isn't that the right term?"
So we explained to her that to 'put down' is a phrase that's generally interpreted as meaning "to kill humanely".
She was mortified at this. "But...but..." she said, "to me, 'putting down' is the same as when you put a child down for the night, to go to sleep in his bed. A very sweet, loving term. So what is it that you are supposed to say when someone is given drugs to make them sleep before an operation?"
We told her that it's not uncommon to say the person is 'put under' when they are given anesthetic. And poor Anna's eyes grew wide, and she seemed mortified.
"Put UNDER???" she cried, "How can you say that??? That's what you say when the person is being buried! Put UNDER the ground! That is just awful! How could I say that about my boss? It sounds like I'd want him dead!!"
The conversation went on for quite a while longer, with Anna protesting between her combined horror and laughter...and I can't even recall now if she ever did finish her story, but everyone went home that evening with tears running down their cheeks over the misunderstanding that such a little phrase could cause.
I do feel it would be callous to tell a coworker "I heard your brother died last night".
Certainly, I would never say such a thing. The way you phrased it makes it sound like you are looking to have a conversation with the person. The only appropriate thing to say is, "I am very sorry for your loss; please don't worry about x,y,z (work items), I will ensure everything gets done. Please focus on your family at this time."
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodmockingbird
I'd go with "I'm sorry to hear you lost your brother last night, that he passed away at the hospital". Then if she says' "He died in his sleep", then I'll switch over to the blunter term.
Again, the first part of the sentence is appropriate, but why bother with the second part? Is there any rational reason to mention the location? Being kind and sharing condolences does not require using "passed away" or "died". But should a conversation require one of the two, I would use "died" or "dead" before "passed on". Still waiting to see where they passed to......l
The socially appropriate response when acknowledging someone else's loss experience is to follow the lead of the person who has experienced the loss.
Nobody cares what you are comfortable with, verbiage-wise...because it's not about you.
It's also easy enough to say, "I was sorry to hear about your mother," or whomever. Who is really going to go up to somebody and say, "Hey, sorry your mom's dead," and not expect that it will likely be perceived as highly socially inappropriate? You don't even need to say dead, died, death, or any euphemism. All you need to do is express condolences for what the person is feeling. If you're not a person who cares, why say anything at all, and certainly, why take the opportunity of someone else's loss of a loved one to stand upon a soapbox regarding your feelings on the righteous use of clinical, neutral terminology in communicating personal loss?
Whenever I hear a person say that someone is "gone" I remember my embarrassment regarding the time when my neighbor said, "My dog is gone" to which I immediately replied, "I'll help you look for it!" (It had been killed by a rattlesnake.) At that point I vowed to stop using euphemisms for death.
Context is important.
On the battlefield, when you say someone is "gone," it doesn't mean they went shopping at Macy's.
You must be one of the many people who find a direct mention of the word "dead" problematic. When I write condolence notes, I'm careful not to use the words "dead" or "death" because it seems to upset a lot of people. Personally, it doesn't bother me because the deceased is dead whether or not you call it that. I usually talk about being sorry for their "loss."
I also have no problem with the idea that someone might have died in my house. Some houses are hundreds of years old — odds are more than one person died there. In fact, a brand new house might be built on an ancient burial ground or the scene of a war battle. What difference does it make? Death is part of life; while it may be sad, it's inevitable.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
