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Old 01-24-2016, 02:55 PM
 
710 posts, read 581,753 times
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I love my dad and I don't think he's really a bad person. However, I'm 18 and he's never really been active in my life. He got my mom pregnant when she was 19 and she had me when she was 20. She had my brother by him also when she was 18. She raised the both of us along with my sisters and we struggled at first, but she ended up working her way up and she now makes over six figures. I think she did a remarkable job as a parent with relatively no help. My dad never supported her or my brother and I. We would spend weekends over his house sometimes, but he'd get drunk usually. He exposed us to that before I even turned 10. A lot of kids at that age didn't even know about alcohol or alcoholism but I knew that my dad was one. Eventually as I got older, I spent less and less time with him. He never really made a consistent effort to see me or my brother. He would see us occasionally and call us maybe once or twice a week but that was it. I have never spent more than two days with my dad. Maybe I can't lie all of the blame on him because his dad died when he was young, so he never had a dad around either. His side of the family is plagued with crime, drug use, and alcoholism unlike my mom's side. I never really liked spending time around his side of the family for that reason. Sometimes I feel like the only common link we have is a last name. I think sometimes about how I'll never know what it's like to live in a two-parent household or have a male role model around. The only male I looked up to growing up was my big brother, and he's only two years older than I am. Sometimes I see dads with their kids and it makes me feel bad because I just don't have the closeness that I have with my mom with my dad. We don't really have important talks nor have we ever. When he calls, our conversations usually only last for less than 10 minutes. I haven't really talked about this with anyone, and I figure that there's no use for it now because I'm already grown. I don't hate my dad at all, but is it wrong to feel resentful over the fact that he took no part in raising me? My mom didn't get to make that choice.
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Old 01-24-2016, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Oregon
657 posts, read 406,168 times
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With all due respect; "get over it"; by that I mean utilize your innate resiliency. Telling us about it here will not change your memories, etc.
What you experienced and experience are facts. To make it short, when you were afraid of the 'bogyman', you experienced fear, but you "got over it". You still remember the thought of 'bogyman' but it no longer evokes the emotion of fear. You can do the same with your other thoughts also.
There's studies of children from extremely abusive upbringing that 'turn out' fully functioning people. Those that don't do not make the same 'disconnect' between memories and emotions. (like with the bogyman.)
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Old 01-24-2016, 04:24 PM
 
Location: minnesota
15,801 posts, read 6,247,578 times
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I don't think it wrong to feel a certain way. There are online support groups for everything. Try talking it out on a ACOA forum.
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Old 01-24-2016, 04:26 PM
 
710 posts, read 581,753 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sakoz-2 View Post
With all due respect; "get over it"; by that I mean utilize your innate resiliency. Telling us about it here will not change your memories, etc.
What you experienced and experience are facts. To make it short, when you were afraid of the 'bogyman', you experienced fear, but you "got over it". You still remember the thought of 'bogyman' but it no longer evokes the emotion of fear. You can do the same with your other thoughts also.
There's studies of children from extremely abusive upbringing that 'turn out' fully functioning people. Those that don't do not make the same 'disconnect' between memories and emotions. (like with the bogyman.)
It doesn't really affect my daily life. It's just something I reflect on sometimes. Most people think that I'm a good and responsible guy. Even some people in my dad's family say that I'm nothing like him (in a positive way).
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Oregon
657 posts, read 406,168 times
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When you "reflect sometimes", what emotions are evoked by the memories? You don't "have to" experience the emotions .

Just as you can think about the 'bogyman' without experiencing fear, you can 'reflect' about your father without experiencing resentment.

Last edited by sakoz-2; 01-24-2016 at 05:28 PM..
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:26 PM
 
710 posts, read 581,753 times
Reputation: 855
Quote:
Originally Posted by sakoz-2 View Post
When you "reflect sometimes", what emotions are evoked by the memories? You don't "have to" experience the emotions . (Resentment is 'no fun').
I feel bad, not to the point of crying, but just sadness and blame. I am thankful that I know who my dad is, because I knew kids who had dead fathers or fathers who walked out and they never even met him. However, I feel like there was a lot more that he could have done. Even if he wasn't living with me, I feel like he could have made more of an effort to be a vital part of my life. I remember one time he called me on my birthday and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. Later, he called me and blamed me for not telling him that it was my birthday. In my opinion, I shouldn't have had to remind him about his own son's birthday.
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:27 PM
 
710 posts, read 581,753 times
Reputation: 855
Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8 View Post
Try talking it out on a ACOA forum.
What's that?
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:43 PM
 
13,754 posts, read 13,239,667 times
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Lord help us all if you can "get over" having a barely-there father figure in your life. You have every right to your feelings. It's a very complicated relationship - even if it doesn't exist. I was a single mom and had my oldest son in counseling. The book "Father Hunger" was recommended and, as I read, I learned something about my son (absent father) myself (lost my dad to cancer at 2yrs old) AND my mom (physically abusive father). It was cathartic to the max. I highly recommend the book. At least you will learn about yourself and your feelings - and probably about your dad from what you said about his family.

Dads are so important and critical in a child's life. Fatherhood is a truly underrated part of our culture.
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Old 01-24-2016, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,012,275 times
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Here's the thing, because you feel the absence of a father so keenly, you will be an excellent dad yourself. You can have that relationship, but as a dad.

You have that to look forward to.

Good luck to you!
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Old 01-24-2016, 06:03 PM
 
3,320 posts, read 5,540,658 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Randomguy18 View Post
I feel bad, not to the point of crying, but just sadness and blame. I am thankful that I know who my dad is, because I knew kids who had dead fathers or fathers who walked out and they never even met him. However, I feel like there was a lot more that he could have done. Even if he wasn't living with me, I feel like he could have made more of an effort to be a vital part of my life. I remember one time he called me on my birthday and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. Later, he called me and blamed me for not telling him that it was my birthday. In my opinion, I shouldn't have had to remind him about his own son's birthday.
I can understand how you feel. Sadly, your father is only your father, he isn't and wasn't a Dad. Unfortunately for you and for him he didn't step up.

Be thankful that you had a great Mom. Sounds like she did a great job and you sound like a great young man.
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