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I'm not sure what forum this should go in but I thought I'd post it in the Psychology forum. I'm having some family problems and not sure how or even if they can be resolved. A little about me. I'm an only child (male) who lost both parents at a relatively young age in my early 20s. I'm in my late 30s now. I only have extended family left. I have a common-law partner who I've been with just before my parents passed. They met her once but didn't like her much it seemed because they told the rest of the family how they thought she was no good for me even though I don't really understand the reason. We've been together a long time and she's been good to me. A couple of years after my parents passed, I moved out of my hometown to Vancouver for more job opportunities in my field. Eventually both myself and my partner ended up getting jobs here and supporting ourselves. There were a few bumps along the way over the years and I did tell them about some problems I had but they either blamed my partner or basically treated me like a little kid. I finally decided to confront one cousin in particular last year about all this and she just went ballistic and now nobody in my family want to really talk to me anymore. I've even sent an apology this past easter weekend but got no response. I'm not really sure what to do anymore... I'm leaving out some details I know so if you need more info just ask.
So, from your post, it seems that the "family problem" is that your extended family is kind of shunning you now?
Do you WANT to be in contact with them? Were you close to them before this happened?
I'm sorry about the great losses you have experienced. Honestly, it's hard to offer advice about your situation without knowing you and your partner because we don't know if she really is "good for you," as you say, or if your parents were right and you just THINK she's good for you.
Trusting that you are actually of sound mind and judgment and assuming that your parents were just off base and hoping your partner might fit their expectations, we need to know more about 1) your relationship with your "extended family" and 2) your familial goals. Were you close before and do you WANT to mend the rift and be closer to them?
Or is this a case where your "family of choice" (friends) might be better for you?
So, from your post, it seems that the "family problem" is that your extended family is kind of shunning you now?
Yes exactly... the only one who seems interested in having any kind of contact with me is my grandmother who is in her 90s.
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Do you WANT to be in contact with them? Were you close to them before this happened?
Yes it would be nice if I could have a relationship with them as I was quite close to them as a kid growing up but it might not be possible... that makes me sad.
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I'm sorry about the great losses you have experienced. Honestly, it's hard to offer advice about your situation without knowing you and your partner because we don't know if she really is "good for you," as you say, or if your parents were right and you just THINK she's good for you.
Fair enough... you don't know us. My friends don't seem to have a problem with her even my best friend that I've known since high school... so I am not sure.
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Trusting that you are actually of sound mind and judgment and assuming that your parents were just off base and hoping your partner might fit their expectations, we need to know more about 1) your relationship with your "extended family" and 2) your familial goals. Were you close before and do you WANT to mend the rift and be closer to them?
Or is this a case where your "family of choice" (friends) might be better for you?
My relationship with my extended family has been pretty good growing up as a kid but seemed to deteriorate after I met my partner and my parents passed on. In terms of what I'd like, just some respect and understanding on the part of my family of the things I like and the choices I've made in my life. It would be nice to mend the rift but I'm not sure if it's even possible...
Build the relationship with your grandmother. Begin the process of grieving the loss of your other family relationships. They may come around someday, but you need to be mentally & emotionally prepared if they don't.
You can't force them to agree with or respect your life choices.
Build the relationship with your grandmother. Begin the process of grieving the loss of your other family relationships. They may come around someday, but you need to be mentally & emotionally prepared if they don't.
You can't force them to agree with or respect your life choices.
Thanks that's a good idea about my grandmother... I will try and nurture that. I think you are probably right about the rest of the family but it's just so odd because when I was a kid it was completely different and they were much more supportive. I never thought they would be this way.
They don't sound like nice people, or very mature, if they are shunning you based on hearsay.
Ask yourself if they add value to your life. It's okay to ask what they add to your life. If it's nothing worth keeping, then neither are they. They just don't sound like people to keep in your life to me.
What's sad is not getting the kind of families we'd like to have. It's sad when we realize we won't get that. Mine is like that, so I understand what you're going through. I let mine go. Too much drama and nastiness.
I finally decided to confront one cousin in particular last year about all this and she just went ballistic and now nobody in my family want to really talk to me anymore.
A nice conversation could not suffice... you had to confront her?
If someone came charging at me, I might have gone ballistic too...
It seems the family took your parents' assessment of your partner to heart, and nothing will change that now.
For all we know, they may even object to the fact that you didn't marry.
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Originally Posted by deneb78
There were a few bumps along the way over the years and I did tell them about some problems I had but they either blamed my partner or basically treated me like a little kid.
Why did you run to them with your problems, when they barely know you and disapprove of your partner?
I would suggest cutting contact with any relatives that treat you with disrespect. You mentioned that your grandmother is interested in keeping in contact with you, so perhaps you should try to bond with her more. If you really need an answer as to why your other relatives are shunning you, maybe your grandmother would know.
My extended relatives were very quick to judge me when I grew into my teen years. My mother was the problem child of my family and I showed "signs" of being similar to her when I was a teen so relatives have treated me with disrespect and shunned me from their lives too.
As a teenager I was very depressed and shy. I was not upbeat and social like my cousins. When I had to attend family reunions each year, I always ended up in a corner somewhere drawing by myself. Relatives would become bitter about it and scold me in front of everyone to "get up and put the damn sketchpad down" and be social. They had their own sets of expectations and judgments for me and never actually tried to talk to me on a personal level. If they had only tried to have a conversation with me, they would've found out that I was antisocial and depressed because I was dealing with abuse from my divorced parents and miserable living conditions/situations at home. I had no confidence as a teen. They saw this and interpreted my shyness as "trouble-making" "just like my mother". I never did anything to them.
In my late teen years, my Uncle treated me like I was an exact copy of my mother, some kind of hell spawn. But the worst I ever did was shut myself in my room and feel depressed and cry frequently. I learned that my Aunt, who passed in 2001, was suffering from mental illness and they treated her like crap too. They couldn't handle or understand mental problems. So they interpreted everything as "attention-seeking" and whatnot. They're not to be trusted.
Cut contact with judgmental untrustworthy people, even if they're relatives. Even if there's something "off" or "wrong" with your partner, if your relatives actually cared about you then they'd stick around to support you. It's probably not worth seeking out relationships with them right now. At least you know you tried to connect with them. Try to forgive them in your heart and move on for your own sake.
Thanks for all the advice everyone. Aside from my grandmother, I think I've decided to let them go out of my life at least for now. I don't really think they get me and maybe they never did.
In terms of confronting my cousin, it wasn't really confronting but rather just telling her in a message that I was unhappy about the way she and her husband were treating my partner.
I guess I went to my family with my problems because I thought they could offer good advice and I always try and get as many perspectives as possible when I have a problem. It helps you see things that you wouldn't have otherwise thought of. Unfortunately in the case of my family, I eventually realized it seems that they have their own bias and agenda so it was hard to get objective advice a lot of the time.
My partner isn't perfect. She does suffer somewhat from social anxiety which makes it hard for her to be social in large groups. There is nothing wrong with that IMO but maybe my family think otherwise.
In any case, I've made my decision. It sounds like it's the right one too.
Last edited by deneb78; 04-08-2016 at 08:41 PM..
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