Anyone notice how people run once they find out you're not confident?

[Tracysherm]

I think you can be modest and humble without sounding insecure and "weak." I find modesty and humility to be traits worthy of respect.


If someone compliments some work I've done, if I say something about how it was nothing great, or minimize it, then that's not humble, that's insecurity.


But if someone compliments some work I've done, and I thank them for recognizing how hard I worked, and add that I couldn't have done it without the great input from X, Y, and Z, then I'm humble and not insecure.


You can learn how to come off as both confident and humble; they are not mutually exclusive. Confident does not mean boasting and self-important. My goal is usually to be "quietly confident."


There are a few settings in which it might be beneficial to share insecurities, but don't get the idea that doing so will help you connect with others in most situations.


Settings where it might be helpful:
--In the context of a very close relationship with someone AND you're having an intimate talk at the time
--You're in group therapy or a support group
--You're in a context in which everyone is likely nervous but not saying it, and your saying it can be an ice-breaker
--The people you're with might feel intimidated by you because of your higher position and they aren't speaking up (like if I am running a committee and all the members are in lower positions than me and might be a little afraid of my position).


Settings where it's probably not helpful to share your insecurity:
--Social settings
--People you're not very close to
--With people who have proven themselves to be narcissistic, controlling, or self-serving
--In the context of a very close relationship when you're NOT having an intimate talk
--People, like co-workers, who need to see you as reliable
--In a context in which you have to exercise authority

[silibran]

Originally Posted by GKelly

I thought it would relate to people and make me seem vulnerable and open?

An example is every time I finish sharing my work, I say something like, but yeah, I don't know, that's what I came up with... Or if I'm around friends I'll say something about how I struggle to speak with people. I'm still so surprised at how most people in American culture try and act tough. I'm first to admit wrong and be modest but people just see that as a sign of weakness. I really don't think I'm weak. And I don't complain either. At least that's not how I see it. I only show my insecurities as an attempt to connect with people, trying to be modest, or to ask them for help with it.

Never apologize about your work, unless there is a problem with it. If people compliment you about it, say, "Thanks!"

Most of us are not confident about every part of our lives. But imagine if we were always apologizing about it. How boring.

Don't offer up your weakness to people. Some will take advantage and/or see you as weak.

But don't do bravado, either. Try to find a version of yourself that is easy to be around. Say kind things to others, and do a good job at work. Be helpful, and don't shirk the hard stuff. If you do that, you'll be fine.