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Sounds as if he's on the spectrum but hard to tell until he is evaluated by a psychiatrist. Finances may force him to seek out their services if he is not able to support himself.
You won't ever know unless he feels there is a problem, seeks help for it and receives a diagnosis.
Yes, perseveration and obsession are two hallmarks of autism but autism is not the only cause of these issues. Social deficits are also obviously involved in autism, central actually. By the way, as of the DSM-V, technically there is no longer such a DX as Asperger Syndrome; the diagnosis would be autism, perhaps with a qualifier ("high-functioning," as an example).
As for "moron," I don't know whether you were just trying to push buttons but just as a point of interest, did you know that moron was an actual diagnosis at one time (I believe early 20th century)? So were cretin and idiot. That doesn't really have much to do with anything, just thought some might find it interesting. I was quite shocked to learn this; I had done some investigation into the subject when I was reading about a woman whose child was clinically diagnosed as one of these.
Dr. Downs' original paper on the Syndrome that now bears his name is an Ethnic Classification of Idiots.
I have an older brother (37 years old) that I have a hard time figuring out. He started community college at 18. Took him 4 years to get a 2 year associate degree. Transferred to a regular college at 22. Been trying to work on his undergrad degree for the last 15 years. Some of the common things that can be ruled out: 1) He is not lazy....he actually studies a lot of hours 2) He is not a party animal type.... doesn't have any friends, no girlfriend and doesn't get along much with his coworkers 3) He doesn't drink or do any drugs...clean as a whistle.
His study skills is hard to understand. He would read the whole textbook from beginning to end including foreword, table of content, etc. He even reads the chapters that the professor skip over and is not covered on the exam. Since he is intend on doing this, he falls behind. If the exam is chapters 1-5, 7, and 8. He would only have time to read up to chapter 4 and aced that portion of the exam but failed the questions on chapter 5, 7 and 8. He would drop the class before he gets a failing grade on his transcript. He would repeat the same class and same professor and make the same exact mistake. Even if the professor give out the same exam.
Personality wise, he thinks he is a genius. He has a very grandiose view of himself and doesn't want to do any job that he deems is below him. He wants to do something great with his life. For someone who has fail so many times, he has very high confidence in himself. He is very hard headed and is impossible to have a rational discussion with. When I try to point out his deficiencies/failures, he would debate with his own rationale of events and defect blame on others people/situation/causes.
He has major issues with time. Is constantly late to family events. Doesn't understand the impact of his tardiness (others are hungry waiting for dinner to start), etc. He takes on a lot of tasks with insufficient time to complete them. It ends up being incomplete and rushed. He is constantly up against deadlines....never get anything early. When he has unstructured time, he does things at odd hours....stay up late to 7AM. Sleep until 5pm. Eats dinner and repeat routine.
I am trying to figure which box he falls under:
1) Low IQ person who is unable to learn from his mistakes and keep repeating them.
2) Functional autism. He can function but doesn't have full array of life skills.
3) Moron. Some people just don't have common sense in life.
Wow. Pointing out his failures and 'deficiencies' and dreaming up the best way to sum up your own disdain for him. Can't imagine why he's not soaring happily through life.
Wow. Pointing out his failures and 'deficiencies' and dreaming up the best way to sum up your own disdain for him. Can't imagine why he's not soaring happily through life.
Quite the contrary, my mom is the matriarch of the family. She has been shielding him from criticism from everyone else during his whole life. She also has been bailing him out (rent, school, etc) over the years. The rest of the family has been trying to get her to come to grips that something is not right but she keep insisting that he will turn a corner. It is my belief that this has contributed to the issue by not correcting the behavior. When a person who doesn't have an honest feedback mechanism, that person is living in a bubble. When you continue to support/fund a failing effort, you are condoning the behavior and the individual believe he is on the right path.
A mother's love is unbreakable. I remember reading a murder case in the papers and the person's own mother was on the witness stance claiming her son was innocent despite all the direct evidence that clearly points that he was guilty (video, gun, etc). A mother bond to her son is strong and in some cases, blind to the facts in front of them. Up to a point, it is counter-productive. They are in deep denial when they think that their efforts are helping when they are actually enabling bad conduct or not getting the help that individual needs.
If he has special needs, that needs to be determined with a professional so we can get him the proper help for treatment/medicine. I feel like my mom has to come to that conclusion to stop bailing him out. My brother may not have the mental/emotional capacity to even understand his own issues.
Quite the contrary, my mom is the matriarch of the family. She has been shielding him from criticism from everyone else during his whole life. She also has been bailing him out (rent, school, etc) over the years. The rest of the family has been trying to get her to come to grips that something is not right but she keep insisting that he will turn a corner. It is my belief that this has contributed to the issue by not correcting the behavior. When a person who doesn't have an honest feedback mechanism, that person is living in a bubble. When you continue to support/fund a failing effort, you are condoning the behavior and the individual believe he is on the right path.
A mother's love is unbreakable. I remember reading a murder case in the papers and the person's own mother was on the witness stance claiming her son was innocent despite all the direct evidence that clearly points that he was guilty (video, gun, etc). A mother bond to her son is strong and in some cases, blind to the facts in front of them. Up to a point, it is counter-productive. They are in deep denial when they think that their efforts are helping when they are actually enabling bad conduct or not getting the help that individual needs.
If he has special needs, that needs to be determined with a professional so we can get him the proper help for treatment/medicine. I feel like my mom has to come to that conclusion to stop bailing him out. My brother may not have the mental/emotional capacity to even understand his own issues.
So in other words, you're jealous that your mother takes care of your brother who most likely has special needs that would have been all but impossible to diagnose when he was little and now, as an adult, he'd have to pay out of pocket to have diagnosed but might still contain difficulty as he has undoubtedly learned some coping and "covering" mechanisms in the intervening years just to survive (a very common thread among relatively high-functioning to very high-functioning autistic people).
And it pizzes you off mightily that such a person might receive help from the woman who should be loving YOU, not HIM. You don't have additional needs, why the heck is she loving HIM? She darned well better start coming to your conclusions! Right?
Gotcha.
I have an idea. While your brother is considering whether or not to seek a diagnosis, why don't you get a little help yourself for this jealousy issue? It's obviously impacting you enough that you feel the need to ask hundreds of strangers about it and for your frustration and anger (right down to calling your brother a "moron") to show clearly.
p.s....Psst: No, your mom doesn't have to do anything on your say-so. She's an adult. Maybe in addition to addressing the jealousy issue that's obviously negatively impacting you, you and your therapist can seek to explore why you would wish to control others and dictate what they do per your own view of the world, not their view and their own choices. If you get to the bottom of all this and let go of it, your life will probably be less stressful overall. JMO.
So in other words, you're jealous that your mother takes care of your brother who most likely has special needs that would have been all but impossible to diagnose when he was little and now, as an adult, he'd have to pay out of pocket to have diagnosed but might still contain difficulty as he has undoubtedly learned some coping and "covering" mechanisms in the intervening years just to survive (a very common thread among relatively high-functioning to very high-functioning autistic people).
And it pizzes you off mightily that such a person might receive help from the woman who should be loving YOU, not HIM. You don't have additional needs, why the heck is she loving HIM? She darned well better start coming to your conclusions! Right?
Gotcha.
I have an idea. While your brother is considering whether or not to seek a diagnosis, why don't you get a little help yourself for this jealousy issue? It's obviously impacting you enough that you feel the need to ask hundreds of strangers about it and for your frustration and anger (right down to calling your brother a "moron") to show clearly.
p.s....Psst: No, your mom doesn't have to do anything on your say-so. She's an adult. Maybe in addition to addressing the jealousy issue that's obviously negatively impacting you, you and your therapist can seek to explore why you would wish to control others and dictate what they do per your own view of the world, not their view and their own choices. If you get to the bottom of all this and let go of it, your life will probably be less stressful overall. JMO.
I don't deny there is some resentment/jealousy on the emotional side. However, there is a financial cost as well. My parents are living on fixed incomes as retirees (which are not much). Whatever money they get, they refuse to spend. My sisters and I end up paying all their housing and medical costs. They are funneling their saved money to aid my brother. We feel trap. We love our parents but they are not wealthy enough to take care of themselves AND an adult child. They will die as destitute elderly individuals who will give the last penny in their savings account to my brother. They do not acknowledge he has an issue. They keep saying that he will turn a corner. Even is trying to find him a wife overseas from a third world country. He is unable to find any gal in the US. My parents have hope that his wife will help him in life and bear him kids. He is someone who is unable to even take care of himself....why bring a wife and kids to the picture?? That's more mouths to feed and support. Complete denial...
I feel a sense of obligation to care for my parents since they raised me. But I don't feel the same duty towards my brother. He is not my child. I have an independent life with my wife and our first child on the way. My finances is being redirected towards someone living a lifestyle I don't support.
If this whole set-up is done independently where my parents are millionaires and they have a "Paris Hilton" type child that they support, I have no issue with it. It's has no impact on me.
Last edited by capitalhockey; 04-14-2016 at 01:35 PM..
You know what? That IS what happens with special needs. The parents do have to funnel "all their money" into care for the differently-abled person. Because guess what...life sucks! Just a little newsflash for you. No, things aren't always "fair" or "perfect"...including to the person who has the issues...so your brother is getting his too, every single day, if that puts a smile on your face. He's struggling and suffering every day, even if your mother is helping him. Definitely even if the state were helping him.
My husband and I think about this every day. We're not going to die billionaires like Raymond Babbit's father and have our son set up in some cushy community on beautiful grounds. Rather, we're going to die like most people - of modest to moderate income - with our son likely to continue living and needing care for a solid 35-40 more years (just going by the numbers).
Without our having left him a ton of money, he will be at the mercy of state homes and the like...a nightmare visual for me.
Is it "unfair" that this means our son who IS able, has to take care of himself and who knows, perhaps help us one day? Well, sure it's unfair! Know what else is unfair? The fact that I never had to BE my son...I was able to take care of myself and make my own decisions and wasn't at the mercy of some wretched "assisted care" county house. THAT'S not fair either...to my son. It's not fair to me and to my husband that we are exhausted from therapies and the like and that yes, we'll likely wind up financially drained and it isn't fair to our "abled" son that perhaps he'll have to help our other son (I hope, anyway) nor that he, our abled son, will take care of himself because he can. Indeed, that "because he can" part isn't just unfair to our abled son...it's unfair to our disabled son. I'd put my left ovary down that our disabled son would trade IN A HEARTBEAT "the unfairness" of "having" to help because he can, because he makes his own decisions...has a NORMAL life.
Count your darned blessings. LIFE'S unfair, dear. When is the score ever actually "settled" to anyone's satisfaction? If you want to be a true D about it, sure, you could tell your parents you refuse to help them until they stop helping their other son. And then you'd get to keep your money. Yay? That's up to you. Entirely up to you. But if you're looking for "fair," it's not fair that you're able to sit here witching-with-a-B about your brother in a capable way on some internet forum while he's 37 and still totally unable to navigate life and fully understand the world around him.
Just make your decision, cut Mom and Dad off if that's what you want to do - what can they do about it? - and you decide what's important or not, what's fair or not, to your satisfaction but I'm betting you WON'T force Mom's hand by being a D, nor by whining. You'll make your decision for you...and then Mom and Dad will do what they want anyway. You make your decisions. They'll make theirs.
I might be able to empathize with the OP just a little bit. I too have sort of been in a similar situation. My mom's sister was in a similar predicament as your brother. I did feel a little bit of jealousy because she got a lot of my family's attention, and I retaliated by being really mean to her. I regret it, especially since later in life I found out that I wasn't "normal" myself. I later desired to help her, but she died before I could do anything. She led such a sad life. People looked at her like you seem to look at your brother, and they savagely took advantage of her. If I had it to do over again, I would be nice to her and not gripe and complain and point out with glee what she isn't capable of doing. Jealousy destroys you. The truth is, I could have learned from her. She knew a lot, because she experienced a lot. Instead, though, I let her disappear and die. I wasted a great gift, a chance to make the life of someone else more bearable. I think about it and wonder if I shouldn't look for another her and shower that person with love and respect.
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Maybe in addition to addressing the jealousy issue that's obviously negatively impacting you, you and your therapist can seek to explore why you would wish to control others and dictate what they do per your own view of the world, not their view and their own choices. If you get to the bottom of all this and let go of it, your life will probably be less stressful overall. JMO.
