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One thing I feel sets me apart from those around me is that I live in my head a lot. I find being deep in thought to be more enjoyable than the minutiae we deal with in our daily lives -- meetings, mowing the lawn, celebrity gossip.
I love getting lost in ideas and concepts -- those of a deep nature. I guess you can call me a dreamer, and I resort to books and writing to facilitate such escapism.
To me, parenting seems so worldly -- much like going to the office or paying bills. I won't have the luxury of living in my head and indulging my bookish tendencies anymore -- at least not very often -- because my kid will take up all my time. When I'm home, I'll have to tend to him or her, and when I'm not home, I'll probably be worrying about the child.
Forget about history, psychology and all else I love to ponder. Now I'll have to worry about diapers, baby food, poop, cartoons, and my kid's education. It's a game changer.
I know I'll still have scraps of free time to read and write here and there, but the larger question remains: Will that be enough for me?
I have a hard time parting with one thing. It's not money, but my time.
I love animals and giving to charity, so I'm certainly not all about me. But a kid will undoubtedly take so much of my time that I may come to question whether I made the right decision. I may miss my old life.
I can't tell you whether it's right for you to have kids.
I can say that, as the previous poster, me and my husband are both introverts (him even more so than me; I actually enjoy being around people but suffer from extreme shyness and social anxiety). We have two young kids and yes, they take up a lot of time. However my oldest is 6 now and is definitely an introvert too, the youngest is still a baby. But the oldest can spend hours reading or doing projects by himself. He also has a social ease and a confidence that I never had, and I love that about him and love watching him interact with others like I never could.
Is it easy? Of course not but it's not easy for any parent, introvert or not. You don't get a lot of time to yourself, but when i do I sure appreciate that time so much more - like the 20 minutes of reading before bed that I like to make time for even at the expense of sleep. I've had to push myself and my husband out of our comfort zones sometimes for the sake of making friends with similar-aged kids, planning playdates, attending parties, but I personally don't find it a hardship. In fact, working an office job was way harder on me in that sense - being 'exposed' around people I had to make an impression on 8 hours every day was mentally exhausting to me. As a stay at home mom I now have the choice of who to interact with and when. I too love to read, write, etc., and in fact was able to start a freelance career while staying at home with two young kids, that I had dreamed about for years.
Being 'in your head' may only be difficult for the first few years. It was really hard when our oldest was a toddler. But as your kids get older, your musings on history and philosophy is something you can share with them and it sounds like it would greatly enrich their lives. I loved having long philosophical discussions with my dad when I was younger, about all sorts of topics. It's something special you can share together. My son is now getting to the age where he's loving doing things with my husband - they learn about science, space, stargaze with a telescope, build robots. I love to listen to him play piano, read, take him to movies and children's plays, cook together. We don't spend every weekend running around like mad in a crowd of screaming kids although occasionally it may happen. Hope that's helpful. Good luck with your decision.
Here are a few other factors that might contribute to said ambivalence:
- I am a worry wart who at times gets very anxious
- Our parents/families live far away, so we can't count on their support
- My wife is a bit messy/disorganized and has a tendency to let things sit or drag
I guess I know myself well enough to be sure that the kid will consume me mentally. That doesn't mean I won't be a good dad, but I just won't have much time or energy at the end of the day to nerd out on the things I love.
I hate dealing with people. I work at home and it is great because I don't have to do office chit chat (probably because I am on the autism spectrum) So I can understand what you mean with social situations and all. I have kids, love them dearly. They enhanced my life on so many levels. As the father at home, naturally I have to drop off and pick up from school. I avoid talking to other parents by standing away from the herd. It is mostly women and grandparents picking up anyway, so they have no interest in talking to a young guy either. My kids still go on play dates and activities. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. Yes, you have to interact with parents from time to time but lots of parents prefer texting so it works out. The actual time I spend talking to other parents is minimal at best. So, don't get too hung up on social interactions. As for quiet at home, kids will be kids. Kids will wreck your house and be loud at times. Nothing some cleaner and paper towels can't handle! If you raise them to not be obnoxious then they will be less high maintenance. Independent play time is also essential I believe for kids to grow up confident and healthy.
As I've noted in several threads here, my introversion is probably the main reason I'm ambivalent about having kids.
I relish peace and quiet. I love having ample time to read, write, and think. I manage a blog about which I'm deeply passionate.
I've been happily married for two years now, but my wife knows I like to lock myself in our home office every now and then and immerse myself in my books.
My biggest concern as far as having kids goes is that being a parent -- whether you like it or not -- thrusts you into many more social situations than you'd otherwise be exposed to. You have no choice but to interact with the babysitter, teachers, your kid's friends and parents, and the list goes on. After dealing with annoying people at work every day, it's not something I look forward to. I try to limit my interactions with other people as much as possible. I'm happiest when I'm left free to think about everything from relationships to history.
In addition, if my ultimate goal is to keep my life as simple as possible (which it is), having kids won't do anything to help my cause. Now you have another life to worry about until you breathe your last breath.
I do have moments where I wonder what it'd be like to have a child, but they're fleeting. I am happy with my life the way it is now and fear that having a child will rob me of the freedom I value so highly.
Are there any other introverts here who are or have been in a similar boat? What's your take on this?
Having kids will make you realise how one has wasted their life being an introvert until then. My wife asks me " If you are an introvert you shouldnt even have married . You cannot be a sextrovert and introvert " and thats so true...
Try fostering a dog if you don't own one. It will throw you in a much less complicated but similar world. The dog will have health, social and emotional needs and need exercise and food, training, love and discipline. And, when you walk the dog other humans and dogs will try and engage with you.
If you find you like this, maybe a kid will work out for you.
I am a bit standoffish with people and had a highly social son. He was always getting into mischief at school and at camp. He wasn't happy unless there were at least 2 or 3 friends over hanging out with him at all times. It was really hard bringing him up and he would tell you it was difficult being my son, too. These days we don't interact very much. He has a very social wife and they are quite busy and active hanging out with her family and friends. I am not invited.
I guess I know myself well enough to be sure that the kid will consume me mentally. That doesn't mean I won't be a good dad, but I just won't have much time or energy at the end of the day to nerd out on the things I love.
You won't. At least not as often as you do now. Not right away, anyway. Time and energy is definitely at a premium, especially when children are very small and can meet literally not one single need independently. It's not forever, though. They grow up and you can teach them and they can nerd out with you. Or nerd out over other things.
Whether or not you should have kids depends very much on whether or not you have a burning desire to be a parent. And nobody knows that but you. But it's very true that is a very consuming role and responsibility.
I can tell you from my lone perspective, as an introvert who did not want to have kids, had an unplanned pregnancy, and am now a single mom- I didn't realize how much you can love someone until I became parent. My child is the opposite of me in some ways, particularly very social and extroverted and has tons of play dates, etc. I'm forced to get out and chit chat in ways you mention, at times when I definitely do NOT feel like it. You are exactly right about all of those things. And for the first years especially, it will be hard to "live in your head." I like to do that too. As your child(ren) gets older, things get easier in some ways, harder in others..you do it, because you love your kid(s). Hardest job you'll ever love.
So, yes I too struggle with being an introvert, and having to interact and get out when I feel like laying around in my pjs, supervising loud, rambunctious sleepovers, daily battles of wills.. don't regret one millisecond of it.
I wouldn't expect any parent -- introvert or otherwise -- to say they regret having kids. Not only is that socially taboo, but parents put so much time and effort into their kids that they have no choice but to embrace the lifestyle. If they focused only on the bad -- the lack of sleep, the mess around the house, the kid flunking school -- they'd be miserable and possibly question whether having kids was indeed a bad idea.
As I alluded to earlier, my idea of a great life is a simple life. I actually bought a condo -- and not a house -- because I knew I wouldn't have as much maintenance to worry about. It's when things get very busy in my life that I become stressed and irritable. I'm happiest when I'm able to keep a slower pace.
I wouldn't expect any parent -- introvert or otherwise -- to say they regret having kids. Not only is that socially taboo, but parents put so much time and effort into their kids that they have no choice but to embrace the lifestyle. If they focused only on the bad -- the lack of sleep, the mess around the house, the kid flunking school -- they'd be miserable and possibly question whether having kids was indeed a bad idea.
Well, that's a purely logical way to look at it that does not include the emotional aspect, with which you have no experience.
Parents have NO PROBLEM complaining about the difficulties of raising kids. Trust me, "social taboos" are not the reasons parents say they don't regret being parents. It changes you, and you clearly don't want to change.
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although occasionally it may happen. Hope that's helpful. Good luck with your decision.
