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I think it's just "I want to do my own thing, and having a kid will ruin that."
All I can say is...well..."duh?"
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I'm relatively introverted with too many hobbies. I love playing games, playing guitar and writing music. I love working on cars, hanging out with friends, going on walks and going on road trips with my wife.
I like going to a nice dinner. I like going out to get coffee at night. I like x, y and z.
But when you talk to other people in length, candidly (maybe it is a real introversion thing) you realize that you CAN do those things still, just at a different pace: The child's pace. But you can also share your interests with your children and although it's a compromise, I believe it's a catalyst for growth; for both the child and yourself.
As my wife and I are preparing for children, our lives will be drastically different and changed forever. We plan on dedicating all of our time to our child initially until we can figure out that eventual balance.
As far as dealing with other people, other parents etc., I'm not looking forward to it either. I'm not looking forward to a lot of things in regards to child rearing, but it's all part of the journey. And it's one that I've always really wanted to go on.
In the end it's your decision, obviously but I would strongly recommend that if you cannot put your ego or your interests or fears aside at this stage, then it probably isn't the best idea to have a child.
Beautifully stated.
Plenty of people who claim to be introverts have contributed to this and other threads about their experiences as parents. Being an introvert is not the issue here.
I'm worried about this too. Even dealing with my nephew tires me out, because he's sooo loud, hyper, and demanding of attention. I don't think I can be all smiles and energy 24/7.
My husband is much more of a people person, so we've agreed that I'll be counting on him to deal with the lion's share of the human interaction. Especially in the morning or when I just get home from work, which is when I really do need some space to myself to recharge. I'll focus on bringing home the dough.
Of course, who knows how it'll play out once we actually have a kid. But I would be miserable if I had a kid screaming in my face 24/7 for years on end until they mellow out a bit as they reach middle school age.
It's different when it's your own kid. Even a niece or nephew is not the same. The bond that you can't understand if you haven't experienced it makes it easier to tolerate the difficulties.
Having a baby who is completely dependent on you forces you take your own needs off the top of the list, which is not a bad thing. And it's not the end of the world.
My wife has more of an itch to have kids than I do, but believe it or not, it's not a subject we've touched upon very often in the 11 years we've been together.
Our baby conversations have been mostly limited to what would make cute baby names for a boy or girl.
She is conscious of my ambivalence, but doesn't seem in any hurry to have one. (I'm 31, and she's 30.) I think it stems from the fact that she has a few health issues she's taking medication for and isn't confident at this point whether she'll even be able to get pregnant. I worry for her health more than anything else, and it's something that's obviously weighing on her mind.
It's doubtless a tough decision. What if I'm happy with my life now but decide at 45 that I want a kid?
I've always been a relaxed, bookish, straight-laced guy. I've never drank, smoked, or slept around. I would love to think that I can bring a child to the world just like I was, but there's no guarantee that'll happen.
I'm very risk-averse and fear that having a child will change my life for the worse.
Seems more like you're hoping against hope that her health issues will "decide" all this for you...and that her lack of push up to this point may continue. Well, now that she's in her 30's, if she really wants kids, she WILL become more insistent. And from what you mention here (blood pressure, blood sugar, thyroid, overweight, etc.) nothing sounds serious enough to automatically preclude her from getting pregnant or having a healthy baby as they are pretty easily manageable, from a medical standpoint.
I suggest you have a serious conversation and lay everything out to her. You need to get your own mind straight or the next 20-odd years could be very uncomfortable or even unbearable for you and unfair to your wife and kids.
Having a wife who understands your introspection and how important quiet time is helps, but you did not mention whether she is desirous of starting a family at this time or in the near future. Did you make it clear to her before marriage how you honestly felt about this? The clear majority of women want to have children, so my guess would be that she does which is why you are feeling some pressure and having some moments (albeit fleeting) of what your life would be like as a parent. But you still come down on the side of placing the highest premium on a lifestyle that you do not want to sacrifice easily or perhaps at all.
if your wife happens to be content with things as they presently are and does not want children, then the whole situation is dramatically different. Being true to yourself works best when a person controls their destiny and does not have a partner with opposite views. If you have persistent doubts that you cannot shake, you might be better off without a family. As you stated, it is a lifetime commitment that will require you to leave your comfort zone on a regular basis.
When a father is not fully invested in parenting, children have that unique radar and will sense your ambivalence along with many others. Going through the motions will prove to be a disservice to both your wife and any future children.
I agree with this.
I'm very introverted (INF/T/P), as is my husband (same as me). We have two introverted kids, with my 9 year old daughter being the epitome of introversion. My 11 year old is introverted, but can be a situation specific extrovert. My 6 year old son is extroverted, and my 17 month old, it's too early to tell. We *think* she may be more introverted.
I can't say our introversion is negatively affected or impacted by parenting. Some of what we do, our practices, are influenced by our personalities. I don't involve myself in a lot of social activities just because I have kids. I communicate with their teachers when I need to, which is usually at parent-teacher conferences or through e-mail. I tend to like and deal with most people in small doses. Both myself and my husband are cerebral, bookish types that spend a lot of time reading, pursuing creative interests (freelance work) and academics. We actually have a pretty flexible, laid back schedule that is very introvert-friendly.
Our older kids do a lot of the things we do. When they're not in school during the day, they work on schoolwork, read, write, draw, listen to music, play games, etc. Our introversion doesn't prevent us from being involved, loving, attentive, caring, and invested in their mental and emotional development (beyond the basics of providing/"rearing"). We stress open communication, quality time, conversation, genuine interaction.
It's definitely possible to happily raise a child or children while being introverted. Your parenting style will differ from that of parents who are not as introverted, you will choose different family activities, your kid will have different environmental exposures. But it's not like being an introvert and being a parent are mutally incompatible.
What really matters is if you really WANT to raise a child or children, and that's obviously they key point, no matter your degree of introversion or extroversion.
The OP is exactly right in his observation that it's not just about you anymore. If you are a person who is going to have a major problem adjusting to it not being just about you anymore, having kids is probably not the best fit.
This is an interesting topic to pose - to yourself - and just in general. There are some good responses on here too. I've seen literature pointing to the fact that couples without kids are generally happier than couples with kids. I can believe that. Kids do put a massive strain on a relationship no matter how good of partners you are. It is hardest in the first couple of years - and I believe that's when most separations occur.
I think you understand yourself very well. And you understand that children will change your lifestyle very dramatically. And I think it's great that you are thinking this through knowing that you will want to be a good dad and therefore be very involved in your kids life - which inevitably means losing that time that you value so much.
Personally, I don't look back with regret at having kids (as you point out... it's impossible to imagine life without them now they are here and I love them). But I do wish I had a few more years to do what I wanted before I had them. I probably would have always felt this way no matter how much time I had. I will say that time to myself now has far more value than my alone time before kids. You do have that much more appreciation for it - so although it's much less in volume - the quality of it is much greater. Same goes with alone time with my wife.
On the introvert topic - my wife is much more introverted than I am. I think it's even harder when it's the mother who is the introvert. It puts a lot more pressure on me to have all of the social interactions with the teachers, babysitters, friends groups. It also means that she doesn't have the support of friends and family (our families are not involved with the kids really) when I need that time to myself which does make me feel more guilty when I take it.
So... one thing to consider is how your wife's personality is different to yours and whether your partnership could work for potential kids. Is she an introvert too?
And...she may not feel strongly about having children at the current time as she is dealing with her own issues. But this may change as she moves toward her mid-late 30s and the desire could become A LOT stronger. So it may be worth having some discussion with her on this decision sooner rather than later.
I for one think it's perfectly reasonable to come a decision of not having children. It's a personal choice and up to you and your wife.
I do not identify as an introvert. What I want to mention is the tone of the OP's posts. They are all about him--his thoughts, doubts, feelings, characteristics, etc. I don't think the problem here is introversion. I hesitate to name it really, but to me it sounds as if the OP is very self centered.
So, I have to agree that he should not become a parent. Once you have a child, it isn't about you anymore, it is about your child. Everything else comes second. The child is your responsibility. If the OP can't imagine being less than number 1 in his life, then he really should not become a parent.
There isn't anything wrong with being self centered. I note that the OP is very polite, and exchanges ideas with others. So, I am not condemning him. But he is probably right. Being a happy parent is probably not something he could do well.
It would be best to have an open discussion with his wife about this.
I think you understand yourself very well. And you understand that children will change your lifestyle very dramatically. And I think it's great that you are thinking this through knowing that you will want to be a good dad and therefore be very involved in your kids life - which inevitably means losing that time that you value so much.
Personally, I don't look back with regret at having kids (as you point out... it's impossible to imagine life without them now they are here and I love them). But I do wish I had a few more years to do what I wanted before I had them. I probably would have always felt this way no matter how much time I had. I will say that time to myself now has far more value than my alone time before kids. You do have that much more appreciation for it - so although it's much less in volume - the quality of it is much greater. Same goes with alone time with my wife.
Yep. We very intentionally waited until we were older to have kids, and both feel that we got to experience years and years to focus exclusively on our wants, needs and goals without the added consideration of childrearing, and were more than ready to move on from that stage and into family mode. For us, "our" time that was ours and ours alone was special, important, appreciated, and and well-used. We were ready to focus on raising another person, and that was more interesting to us than free time.
Different strokes for different folks. I doubt this is a task the OP really wants to take on. And that's fine (as long as that's been communicated clearly to his partner and they're of a common mind about it. If not, whoops).
I know this is a touchy subject for parents, and I appreciate all the comments and suggestions thus far.
I agree with those of you who suspect that introversion isn't the sole reason for my ambivalence. There are a host of factors at play:
- I am the youngest of 3 and never had younger cousins or kids in the family until my niece and nephew were born. Therefore, my experience with kids is virtually nil.
- My parents got divorced when I was only 3. I went through the whole child support/visitation schedule deal until I was 18, which was really tough. I think the fact I grew up in a broken family may contribute to some of my fears. What if having a child strains my marriage to the point where divorce is inevitable? I've seen this happen to many couples around me -- not just my parents. I wouldn't want the kid to go through that.
- I am selfish with my time, but that doesn't make me completely self-centered. I am a good husband, son, and brother -- I'd do anything for my wife and family. I am passionate about animals and donate to charity.
- Some of my concerns may have to do with how different my wife and I are. I'll be fair: she is on top of cooking and laundry, but she has this tendency to be a little lazy/disorganized for certain things. She'll leave clothes lying around for days. She doesn't shower/brush her teeth every day. She, in general, is very passive and a bit of a procrastinator. I'm the opposite -- the kind of guy who's always writing checklists of to-do items and wants to get things done and over with ASAP. Can you see how this might lead to friction if a kid enters the picture? I know for a fact that I'm going to be a Mr. Mom type. We need to sign the kid up for school. Let's start saving toward his college education. Let's do this. Let's do that. I think the lion's share of parenting duties will fall on me -- not because she'll necessarily shun her duties, but I will get frustrated at her passivity/procrastination and want to do everything myself. I shred unwanted mail immediately; she just let sit pile up. (By the way, I help with everything - financially, cleaning, washing dishes, laundry, garbage, groceries, etc.)
- As I said earlier, I see the merits of living a simple life. It's not just about kids -- I generally avoid anything that's going to suck up too much of my time (e.g., a job that requires lots of overtime). I am of the mindset that life is too short to cram so much into it. I prefer a slower, more laid-back pace, which better complements my overall temperament.
- We don't have any family members nearby to rely upon for support.
- I have anxiety problems and fear my anxiety will hit the roof.
- Yes, I am a dreamer who lives a lot in my head. It's not necessarily that I'm self-absorbed -- that's just how I'm wired. I have dreamer/escapist tendencies, which is why I like to lose myself in books. I know some parents say, "I was the same way, but having a kid forced me to come out of my head." But what if you want to stay that way? Who says it's wrong?
-One person's idea of a fulfilling life might not be the same for all. Who says you have to have a 9-5 job, get married, have kids, buy a big house, get 2 dogs, and so on? Not everyone wants to get married. Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone wants a big house.
My sisters have gone through several challenges with their kids that have seemingly pushed them to edge. I don't drink, but several parents who do have assured me that once I have kids, I'll become a drinker. And as I noted above, I have lost count of the many people I know -- at work or elsewhere -- who have gotten divorced after having kids.
The moral of all this: Maybe I'm just happier with less -- less people, less noise, less commotion, less material stuff. I think I'm just a minimalist at heart who has found what really makes him happy -- quiet contemplation, ideas, and knowledge.
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 04-28-2016 at 08:24 AM..
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