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Old 05-19-2016, 01:21 PM
 
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In a bunch of these threads, we talk about annoying, unhealthy, or "toxic" personality traits that other people exhibit. We often talk here about confronting someone about their negative trait/habit, making them aware of it so that they might change it. But I know we aren't all perfect.


Were you ever struck by a negative personality trait YOU had? Did someone have to tell you about it, or did you discover it yourself by looking at the evidence in your life? Did you successfully get rid of it? How?


Maybe in their thread we can show those other people how it's done!


Here is one of mine:


In my 20s, when working in my first mental health jobs, I was a "stress-b*tch." I wanted so much to prove myself, that I worked harder than everyone else, worked late when I didn't have to, worked through lunches, took on a lot of stuff that others had slacked on, and really became a "workaholic." The workaholic piece isn't necessarily a negative character trait, but what I did was I made it too visible and obvious. Not only was I working super-hard, I wanted everyone around me to KNOW I was working super-hard. I think I started this a little back in high school on the track team. I knew I would never be the fastest runner, so I became a long distance runner. I knew I wouldn't be the best distance runner, but I could be the hardest working distance runner. I ran, and ran, and ran more than everyone else. Before practice, during practice, late at night after my homework, on weekends. Even when I didn't get first place in a race, people would at least say things about how I worked harder than anyone else. I remember that feeling really good, so I applied it to my early professional life. I couldn't be the best mental health counselor, but I'd sure as heck be the hardest working one. And people had better notice.


I would get visibly ticked off if a co-worker called out sick ("must be nice to be able to relax all day and leave all the work for the rest of us"). I was rarely sick, but if I was sick, I would still come to work and make sure people KNEW the sacrifice I made, coming to work sick. ("I can throw up in the ladies' room, brush my teeth, and get right back to work! Why can't others do that? But oh no, they call out if they have a sniffle! Boo-hoo.") I would always have a stressed-out expression on my face (with co-workers and supervisors, not when clients were around). I think I figured that being so stressed-out meant that I obviously cared more about the work than anyone else did--or they'd be stressed out too. If they weren't, then they were slackers. I never took days off--I donated my vacation days to another employee who had cancer. But I felt like I had to make sure my co-workers knew that--I didn't do it for the cancer lady, I did it for our department--I wouldn't be taking vacation days off and letting my co-workers down, like they seemed to always be doing whenever they took days off. A new client would come to our program with a diagnosis that was less common, I would read 5 books on the subject and recommend them to my team who didn't seem so interested. I became the "expert" on psych meds in my dept, knowing which neurotransmitters each medication affected, etc. I'd get annoyed when someone else would ask "Is Zoloft an SSRI?" and roll my eyes at someone else, thinking "duh."


I wanted supervisory people to recognize how hard I worked, and how I picked up everyone else's slack. They would make some positive comments, but when a new more challenging task would come up, they would give it to one of those "lazy" non-stressed people who didn't memorize the DSM or all the categories of psych meds. Going for some enhanced training to run a special therapy group. Learning to do intake assessments and taking over that duty. I watched other co-workers get those plumb assignments, when I was totally capable, and would happily work 12 hours just to get that plus all my other work done.


It's not that I didn't get along with my co-workers. Since we were all in our 20s, we became friends outside of work too. They definitely liked me, but I think they liked me better on weekends and at happy hour than they did in the office. (Most of us are still friendly today, and they sometimes comment about how calm I now am.)


I think I gradually became aware of this problem in a few ways: I had a lot of trouble with sleep, for one thing. I also figured out that the supervisors were assigning those higher-level tasks to the people who appeared calm and collected. In my mind I still saw them and kind of lazy, but I figured out that even though I knew I was working harder than the others, I had to appear calm and collected, and not like I was complaining about it. In fact, I cut down complaining at work drastically. Complaining about the stress and the deadlines was pointless. Instead I kept doing a lot, but I didn't talk about it, I didn't sigh loudly or have an anxious look on my face. And wow, I started getting lots of positive feedback on how much I do for the department! All I had to do was stop b*tching and suddenly everyone noticed how much I did. I had thought that the b*tching and appearing stressed was my only way to draw attention to how much I was accomplishing. I started getting promotions, etc. I started sleeping every night, because sleeping 7 hours didn't mean I was a slacker.


I still feel like I do more work than a lot of other people, but now, people recognize it. They also comment about how I'm level-headed and calm, something I always wanted to be. It started off as an "act" I guess, acting calm when I really wasn't. But over time, I've truly become a very calm level-headed person. People at work come to me with problems/challenges because they know I'll come up with a well-thought-out plan based on the facts. I don't decide things based on anger or anxiety. I also learned that there is not a direct correlation between looking stressed out and how much you care about your work.


So what negative personality trait have you overcome? How do you do it? How did you become aware of it being a problem?
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Old 05-19-2016, 01:43 PM
 
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Excessive shyness. I wouldn't say shyness is a "flaw," per se, but you did say trait or flaw.

My excessive shyness was really, really negatively impacting my life. It took me years to be able to go up to people and start a conversation but now I do it all the time and am often the person making other people feel comfortable. I can start a conversation and I can keep one going.

I started trying to overcome my excessive shyness/fear of interaction (two different things but for me, related) just when I was starting middle school.

How did I become aware of the problem: It was pretty obvious. I mean it was an actual fear, and that's not a pleasant feeling. But one day everything came together for me when a girl taunted me, calling me a "snob". A lightbulb went off that while I was sitting there thinking nobody liked me, THEY were thinking I didn't like THEM and that I was ignoring them. That was a tremendous eye-opener.

Had I not been able to address this issue I don't see that I would have been able to get (and keep) jobs, friendships or other relationships. When you're excessively shy you really can be invisible and when fear is attached to that you WILL botch up job interviews, weird people out and so on.

But most of all I just didn't want to be afraid anymore, AND I didn't want to not be telling people what I really thought - for instance, that I liked them and liked being around them. Until I reached out, nobody could tell. Bottom line was really that it was for me and not to "fit in" for other people per se. I was being hurt by this trait, I was alone and scared and sad, so I changed it.

How did I do it: I actually envisioned scenarios in my head. If a potential friend said X to me, I would respond with Y. I would sit without my arms and legs tightly crossed so I wouldn't look so forbidding. And so on. It was very formulaic at first. It took A LOT of work.
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Old 05-20-2016, 12:52 AM
 
105 posts, read 129,216 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Were you ever struck by a negative personality trait YOU had? Did someone have to tell you about it, or did you discover it yourself by looking at the evidence in your life? Did you successfully get rid of it? How?
Blaming & complaining. No one pointed it out to me. I learned about it more generally as part of the human condition and saw how i blamed/complained mostly to myself (self-talk) but some of it outwardly (spoken/written) too.

Getting rid of it isn't a permanent thing for me, like abstaining from alcohol or something. It's more a moment-to-moment practice where i catch my mind getting irritated about this or that, take a breath to stop/slow the train of thought, and then choose something more constructive - like gratitude or focusing on a task at hand.

Easier said than done, but hey it's a practice so i do what i can.

Great questions!
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:35 AM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,804,349 times
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Wow, I'm surprised at how few responses my post has received. We like to post a lot in here about other people's personality flaws, but hesitate to admit to our own? Even in an anonymous place? Even in the context of telling how we DON'T have that trait anymore?

Last edited by Tracysherm; 05-20-2016 at 09:11 AM..
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:53 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,687 posts, read 19,827,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Wow, I'm surprised at hos few responses my post has received. We like to post a lot in here about other people's personality flaws, but hesitate to admit to our own? Even in an anonymous place? Even in the context of telling how we DON'T have that trait anymore?
I don't think it is the admitting part. I think that most people do NOT overcome their flaws.


I overcame shyness but that's it. All my other flaws are there from young age on and even with realizing and working on them ... they just stay. Therefore, I don't believe much in therapy - you are who you are and you can change your mind about stuff with the help of a counselor but you will not change your character much.
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,295 posts, read 1,176,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Wow, I'm surprised at hos few responses my post has received. We like to post a lot in here about other people's personality flaws, but hesitate to admit to our own? Even in an anonymous place? Even in the context of telling how we DON'T have that trait anymore?
Maybe people feel as though they haven't overcome their flaws, so they don't post.

For me, I was very impatient. I have become more patient over the years, but it seems to have happened kind of organically for me, so idk if I can claim to have "overcome" the flaw since that implies an active effort. Besides that, at times I still get impatient, just less often than in the past.

Many, if not most, people are still in the process of overcoming their flaws. There are also many people who feel unwilling and/or unable to change their undesirable behaviors; they may not even be able to acknowledge them. I think that it could be a combination of these reasons, or maybe just a slow day on this forum, lol.

Last edited by Gfab1; 05-20-2016 at 09:11 AM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:12 AM
 
2,606 posts, read 2,688,761 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Wow, I'm surprised at hos few responses my post has received. We like to post a lot in here about other people's personality flaws, but hesitate to admit to our own? Even in an anonymous place? Even in the context of telling how we DON'T have that trait anymore?
I enjoyed reading yours. But TBH, its hard to identify our own flaws like we can identify someone elses. I been thinking about having a new year party at my place with boxes with each guest name where other people can put resolution they want to see in that person without a name. So no hard feelings but it is difficult to identify and then work at it.


For me, the one area I saw great improvement on is becoming extrovert. I was always introverted, I was fat & just kept to myself growing up. My teenage years were me & my books, hiding in my room. But I was always envious of those girls who had lot of friends & lot of people knew them & seem like so much fun to be heart of the party. When I finished college I realize, I did not make a single friend in 4 years of college, ok maybe 1 friend. All my friends were high school friends. I went to commuter college & I took my study very seriously & friends just weren't my life plan. Especially because my mom always told me stories of how friends back stab each other & its waste of time. I remember there were days when I didn't speak a word: I would go to lecture to lecture, then library to library. It scared me, not a word in entire day until I got home. I was tried being an introvert & post college it really hit me the importance of having "a life". At work I had nothing to share about my life, nothing happened, i did nothing, I didn't even hangout. so I made it my mission to make new friends, to get to know as many people as I can & to expand my horizon so I have something interesting to say instead of the boring ol me that had family & study going on for her.


So I went to parties, anything I was invited to. I organized, threw parties & slowly I became friends with girls I only saw from distance. Over the years I became the heart of the party. Especially as my friends got married, settled down, I was the crazy chic investing time to get everyone together. Then life took an unexpected turn and I got a job that required lot of customer visit all over the country. I was traveling all the time & meeting new people. I was the cool chic for once in my life, everyone wanted to know what exciting trips, what exciting party am I planning. It was great! I was meeting interesting people in the airport, talking to strangers in new city because I was so curious. Most people thought I was an extrovert. But I am an introvert & have always been one. As I hit my 30's, I am retrieving back to my introverted self but I have inflicted enough of extrovert in me that I am not afraid of public speaking, I am not afraid of being among strangers & I am not afraid of attention any more. It doesn't matter if I look bad or am fat or will look silly, I much rather say something silly than be silent all day
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:18 AM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,804,349 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfab1 View Post
Maybe people feel as though they haven't overcome their flaws, so they don't post.

For me, I was very impatient. I have become more patient over the years, but it seems to have happened kind of organically for me, so idk if I can claim to have "overcome" the flaw since that implies an active effort. Besides that, at times I still get impatient, just less often than in the past.

Many, if not most, people are still in the process of overcoming their flaws. There are also many people who feel unwilling and/or unable to change their undesirable behaviors; they may not even be able to acknowledge them. I think that it could be a combination of these reasons, or maybe just a slow day on this forum, lol.
If this is the case, that most of us, if we can admit to a personality flaw, aren't able to willing to get rid of it, then maybe in all those posts where we tell people to confront someone and hope they will change, are just useless.


In other words, if we, the posters here in CD Psychology, people who presumably have a little more self-awareness and insight than the general population, can't or won't acknowledge or overcome our negative traits, how can we expect other people to? I can't even count how many times I've posted something along the lines of advising a person to "hold up a mirror" to the problematic person, with the hope that making them aware of the issue will compel them to change. I can't even count how many posts I've seen with posters telling other posters to "sit the person down and tell them..." or "confront them" etc, with the hope that this will prompt the person to change.


I guess, in reality, people rarely change when it comes to a personality trait. It's even rarer than changing a problematic behavior that's not necessarily a personality trait. It does happen, but maybe not so much. So may all our advice to speak up to a "toxic" or "negative" person is just wishful thinking?
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:24 AM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,804,349 times
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By the way, I do not see being an introvert as a personality flaw or a negative trait! Nor do I see shyness as a negative personality trait.


Introversion is just a personality type, and it's not a negative.


Shyness might affect the person negatively, but it doesn't negatively impact others around the person. IF the person decides to change it, it's because of the impact on himself/herself. He/she is not hurting others.


My flaw, being visibly stressed out and b*tchy, did impact people around me. I'm sure they saw that as a negative. The examples with blaming others, complaining, and impatience are traits that do negatively affect others around us, so those I count.
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,295 posts, read 1,176,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
If this is the case, that most of us, if we can admit to a personality flaw, aren't able to willing to get rid of it, then maybe in all those posts where we tell people to confront someone and hope they will change, are just useless.


In other words, if we, the posters here in CD Psychology, people who presumably have a little more self-awareness and insight than the general population, can't or won't acknowledge or overcome our negative traits, how can we expect other people to? I can't even count how many times I've posted something along the lines of advising a person to "hold up a mirror" to the problematic person, with the hope that making them aware of the issue will compel them to change. I can't even count how many posts I've seen with posters telling other posters to "sit the person down and tell them..." or "confront them" etc, with the hope that this will prompt the person to change.


I guess, in reality, people rarely change when it comes to a personality trait. It's even rarer than changing a problematic behavior that's not necessarily a personality trait. It does happen, but maybe not so much. So may all our advice to speak up to a "toxic" or "negative" person is just wishful thinking?
I don't know that it's necessarily most people who aren't willing to address flaws, although there certainly seems to be a noticeable amount that are not. It is just easy, and human nature imo, to minimize and brush off one's own shortcomings.

I don't think that it's always pointless or hopeless to try to get others to look at their own behaviors (and also personality traits such as excessive negativity.) If a person genuinely wants to change for the better, hopefully he or she will be open to listening to advice. A lot of people tend to focus on what others are doing wrong, not themselves. Again, human nature comes into play there. Some people are willing to examine themselves and take the advice of others who suggest that some change is in order, and other folks prefer to keep blaming others instead.

I know that it can be frustrating to give sincere advice that seems to fall on deaf ears, but just because the advice isn't taken at the time it's given doesn't always mean that is it completely wasted. Some people need to "marinate' in the idea that their flaws are causing a problem in their lives, and hopefully given time and willingness to improve some people may eventually admit their own part in the problems they face and do something about it.

Last edited by Gfab1; 05-20-2016 at 09:49 AM..
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