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Let me start off by saying I know I have issues. I had boundary issues, attachment issues, and self-esteem issues for the longest time. I always wanted to be as nice as possible to everybody I came in contact with. I had a big guilty conscience and couldn't fathom doing anything mean to anybody. People would tell me i was the one of the nicest/sweetest people they've ever met. But I never felt like this did much for me. I bent over backwards for my friends and I don't even talk to any of those people now. They treat me like I don't exist. I put in a lot for my past relationships only to find out none of those men were worth it. After going through grad school far away and suffering on my own most of the time, I don't want to be nice anymore. Sometimes I still can't help but have thoughts of doing nice things for people. I just don't do them anymore. People are always hinting at me that I'm too nice and they want me to be sassier, speak up, or they show that sentiment toward me by plainly bullying me. So now I see being nice as stupid. I'm actively selfish and have blocked things that used to make me stand out as a nice person, such as remembering people's name, sending people a message if I haven't spoken to them in a long time, being honest and genuine with people, seeing male partners as people instead of sex objects or sugar daddies, letting people win and me lose, well that's more doormat behavior so I try not to do that anymore. I think I have turned bitter and hateful. I feel like I have a lot of anger because I'm upset at the feeling being nice got me nowhere.
Actively being a ***** is hard for me too. It's just not me. I find it too hard to put in effort to be mean. I just get afraid of being taken advantage of. I have a cute and youthful face and persoanlity and a sweet smile. I'm small and an Asian female. It's hard for people to hear me when I speak. Looks like I still struggle with knowing when to stand up to people who bully me vs being mean for mean's sake. I don't pick on anybody but i am much more aware when I don't like somebody and I'll actively decide not to be nice to them. It's too hard for me to even have a resting ***** face. People smile at me when they see me. Haha now I realize that's not a bad thing as I type this. I just wish I would get more respect without having to act like a *****. I don't know what I need to do to get that respect... i dont feel like being a ***** is the answer..
I used to be exactly like you. I grew up, now I just tell it like it is.
The majority of the people who I meet aren't worth investing my time in. Should I discover that you are a nice person you will have a true friend who is genuine.
I discovered I don't need too be surrounded by people, they come with to much drama and emotional baggage.
Learn how to enjoy doing what you enjoy doing, and do it!
You will be surprised how much fun life can be without being surrounded by people who are (pitas) pain in the ass.
Eventually you will have a few real friends that you enjoy spending time with.
Funny this should come up right now as I was just having a conversation with my wife about this not 30 minutes ago.
I wouldn't say I had self esteem or other major issues -- I had an excellent, loving upbringing in a stable family of origin -- so I am by constitution and training an inherently kind, decent person who always gave others "the benefit of the doubt" -- assuming I doubted them at all. I followed "innocent until proven guilty" as my dictum and strove to see and affirm the best in others. Like you, I feel all it got me was to be taken advantage of, marginalized, ignored or thought "less than" in various ways. Even when I have on occasion been affirmed, there always seems to be a "but" ... as in, "you're a good man, but ..." More recently (I'm 59) there have been people in my life who, I realize, actually see kindness, loyalty, devotion, etc. as weakness to be exploited.
The saving grace for me has always been that, if I don't generally feel affirmed or appreciated by others, or acceptable to them as I am, I have at least felt acceptable to myself. Which helps. But of late, even that has been crumbling. I mean, I am the common denominator in all this. It's starting to effectively gaslight me ... I'm starting to doubt myself. At my age, I don't feel I'm the man I used to be ... what if I never was the man I used to be??
But no ... objectively that just isn't the case. I have not treated others badly, or opportunistically, and very seldom have I returned evil for evil ... certainly not evil for good. I don't know what else you can reasonably expect of someone's ethical stance.
I think in my particular case it's a combination of being raised with a rather naive worldview that assumed too much about other's good intentions and even-handedness and objectivity ... and what you might term a mild, sub-clinical, geeky sort of Asperger's syndrome where I just don't get some social cues or understand the cross-currents and undertows present in all social relationships. Put another way, I'm not "street" ... not just because I didn't grow up in some urban jungle, but by my very disposition. Combine that with a couple of very fundamental bad moves early in life, not least getting into a toxic marriage ... and the rest was pretty much destined to be as it was.
As you point out, being a bunch of asterisks (sorry, we can't use real words here) doesn't come naturally for you, so I don't think it's a particularly helpful adaptation, at least long-term. You will just come off as bitter and angry (which you will actually in fact become).
The key, to me, is letting go of expectations and walking away from most of the striving to be recognized and affirmed by others as good and then treated accordingly. The world just doesn't operate in honorable and rational ways, other than in unreliable "pockets" involving certain people and contexts. And even that is capricious and unreliable. I have accepted that, if there's a world in which you have a solid core of close confidants who "get" you and would never betray or throw you under the bus in the service of their own needs, I'm never going to know what that feels like. Even in relationships with significant others I have found the Billy Joel ballad relevant: "she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden ... then carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' ... she can bring out the best and the worst you can be." In other words the occasional transcendence of those relationships comes at the cost of much needless drama.
I have come to realize that having a clear conscience is more important than whether people think well of you or not. Because I know for a fact that I've been true to the light I've had at any given point in my life ... even when I have made stupid mistakes because the light was at the time insufficient ... I can truthfully say that I have no regrets. What I have instead of regrets, are lots of disappointments, but that is because of how Other People conduct themselves vs what I expect of them ... THEY get to live with their actions and I get to live with MY expectations. And I can even let go of my expectations so that the disappointment is down to a dull roar. In the end, it's a pretty good deal.
Another facet is to recognize and accept your own limitations. I have had one area of my life that has Just Worked ... almost embarrassingly well. And that is my professional life. My profession (software development) involves working with a lot of highly objective / quantified abstractions that, unlike people, are reliable in how they respond to various actions. I am gifted at discerning the quickest path to desired outcomes and recognizing relevant patterns, I enjoy the work, I get paid well, and get plenty of affirmation from it.
On the other hand when it comes to relationships, socializing, properly understanding all the dynamics between people, I tend to mis-cue, overthink, underthink, and generally screw it up. Not in some extreme way that has left me friendless and despised, just not particularly finding personal relationships a compelling and reliable source of meaning and purpose.
A final point ... I grew up in a conservative religious milieu that taught me, wrongly, oh so wrongly, that I was god's Special Snowflake, and I have had to learn that life itself owes me zip, zilch, nada, and provides no guarantees and in fact is simply indifferent to me. I am just a booger floating on the sea of life, nothing more. Once I really and truly got that through my head, it cut way down on the sense of injustice and being put upon and picked on that made things far worse than they needed to be. It also relieved me of the unattainable need to garner god's favor as evidenced by the kind regard of people, the bloom of good health, and the absence of personal tragedy. Life has enough burdens without imaginary ones on top of it all.
The above is my $0.02 plus inflation for what it's worth. If any of those shoes don't fit, feel free not to put them on.
I'm going to disagree, somewhat, with the premise.
My wife falls into the category you describe. She is extremely nice (maybe not always to me, but then again, I probably deserve it!) and could be considered somewhat gullible, even as she nears 40. The tenderness of her heart is one of the things that attracted me to her and I will protect that to my very end.
She has matured over the 16 years we have been married, becoming much more outgoing and open to meeting people. In that process, I've seen her get hurt, sometimes, but what I've also found is her ability to "interview" prospective friends has really improved over time.
I don't think she needs to change, and I really don't think you do, either. Tender hearts can be the most attractive quality in a person.
What I would suggest is, improve your screening skills. Keep your eyes open a little more when meeting people before investing all of yourself in any relationship. I'm not telling you to be guarded, but be aware of their responses and general attitude towards you. It will pay off in SPADES.
The close friends my wife have share many of the same qualities she has. They look out for each other and go the extra mile, without hesitation. She has some other friends, but they are simply casual acquaintances and she knows to keep them at arm's length.
I don't think she needs to change, and I really don't think you do, either. Tender hearts can be the most attractive quality in a person.
^^^ Yes, this too. As one becomes less naive about the ways of the world and the vagaries of Other People, and how vast the perceptual differences can be between yourself and others, you simply get better at recognizing and filtering toxic (or simply incompatible) people, and better at setting and enforcing healthy personal boundaries.
You need to work on those boundaries girl! I have struggled with the same issues as well. Some people really get off on the power of being able to trick, deceive, and/or manipulate your mind into doing what they want you to do with no real regard to your feelings. My mother was/is very naive. She sheltered me and my view of the world and people tend to be rather rosy. I tend to feel things very deeply (good/bad)...an empath. It's very painful for me to watch people be rude and hurtful to others. I want to understand what motivates people to do what they do. The most general explanation, I have known to be the most true. Hurt people, hurt people.
Stay soft sweetie, but do guard your heart. You must filter what goes in and comes out. Not everyone gets to "know" you like that. They have to earn that right. There are lots of wonderful people out there. Even Jesus kept his circle small. People who betray you, are also a part of the plan. Often, you are not able to "become" without them. Good luck
A lot of people like to pick on me because it's easy. I'm not sure if I am a nice person naturally or if I am only like that to stay out of trouble/stay away from confrontation. As a child I acted out a few times and got into a lot of trouble with my parents. I didn't like being yelled at or spanked so I straightened up. Now that I am older I understand why I got in trouble for those things, and why I got punished for them. I had a pretty straight forward childhood. I wasn't rebellious, did what I was told, and followed the rules.
My friends tend to "roast" me a lot because I never say anything back. Not because I don't want, but because I just can't lol. They view roasting as friendly fun, but some of the things they say make me think otherwise. I don't understand the concept because how are people not suppose to take those things personally? They claim I am too sensitive and need to learn to stick up for myself. I suck at comebacks so I just ignore hurtful things people may say to me. I don't get "bullied" per se but I am an easy target for people. But I think it reflects more on them than me.
I don't want to have to go through life "fighting" all the time. I believe it's unnecessary and pointless. But unfortunately, a lot of people don't see it this way. I have become more reserved and cynical towards folks, but I am still friendly and hold a conversation. According to some people I am close to I run away from other people's problems and I am a coward. I have started to not care anymore because I know I can't please everyone. I think our problem is hanging around the wrong people mainly.
The best thing for the both of us, is to just be more aware of who we allow into our lives. Watch out for signs of those whose intention is to only exploit cause problems.
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