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I'm thinking of all these well-thought out gifts I've given and sometimes -- not often at all -- but even now and then when I'm tired, I'll wonder, "Why do I have to be the thoughtful person? Why can't someone else be thoughtful once in a while?" That's sort of what I'm hinting at when I say it can be sort of a burden.
(I do have to admit, though, that being a good gift giver DOES just come easily to me. So it's not even like a lot of TIME or MONEY go into being thoughtful -- IF you're a naturally thoughtful person. It's just a lot sometimes.)
But then I think of the great childhood I had. vs. that of a friend whose childhood was a bit abusive. And it's no wonder she's not thoughtful of other people. And sadly, MOST people, I don't think, are raised to be givers, or thoughtful of others.
As blessed as I am, I suppose I really shouldn't even think twice about being generous to others. But I am only human. And of course, aren't that what many of us are trying to rise above, the selfish-tendancies of our human nature?
And as Wmsn4life alluded to you sometimes never know how many people you can touch, or how far the positive effect of your gift may ripple. Thinking of my blessings helps keep me going….or should I say helps me eventually regroup into "thankful mode."
I totally get it, too. I'm using the fact that I retired as a way to ease out of the insane gift-giving this year. I told all my relatives to please not get me Christmas or birthday gifts because I am downsizing. Along with that, I said my budget had to be redone due to my retirement and I have to cut back. So do they want me to continue to acknowledge them with a gift or would they like me to continue giving gifts to their grandchildren? They all picked their grandchildren. I think they know I've been stretched financially since all of my siblings had children (and now grandchildren) and I never had any. So what I buy versus what I receive has always been super-lopsided. I didn't care when I could afford it. But enough's enough.
If somebody needs something, I am glad to help. But to give gifts just to do it ...
Are you referring to Christmas? Because this is only July, and to stress over this in the middle of summer seems bizarre to me.
Your gifts to some of these people.... There is a big difference between giving gifts to loved ones and giving gifts as gratitude for good services provided. The latter should not be expected to reciprocate.
Can't say that I've known anyone as into gift-giving as you are. Sounds to me like you're just getting burned out on it all, and taking a breather sounds like a good idea. And after Christmas is over, you'll assess how you feel and take it from there. Chances are you will choose to taper it down
(sorry it's long)
How do I explain to people -- and do I even have to explain to people -- who had been getting gifts from me every year, that I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm tired and feeling selfish this year.
For the last 15 years, I've been giving gifts to practically everyone I know. And I've loved it. I've loved thinking of something different every year. I've loved being creative about giving a great gift for a low price. And I admit -- I've put the pressure on myself to give a different gift even year.
I guess I must have OVER-obsessed about it -- and put too much pressure on myself -- because now I just am not feeling it this year. I don't know that THEY expect anything. But I can't imagine that if you've gotten a gift from someone for 15 years, that you wouldn't sort of subconsciously realize that you didn't get a gift this year.
Basically I'm just tired to thinking of everyone else when I don't seem to get anything in return. Sure they appreciate it -- but that's just not enough any more. I'm spending my money on them. And some of them don't even call me. If I didn't call them I don't know if they'd ever call me.
Dating back to when I first moved in my house -- I give what I call "schmooze gifts" to my immediate neighbors. Because it can't hurt to suck up to neighbors I give to my yard guy. My walking partner. My doctors and dentist. My hair stylist who fits me in at the last minute. I give to about 5 co-workers who make going to work a bit more pleasant. I give to the work security guards who let me in when I for get my pass (which they don't HAVE to do) And I give to friends as well. And all my siblings and nieces and nephews. All together that's about 55 people. And I do all that for about less than 600 dollars. So it's not like I'm spending a LOT of money. Most people get a $5-$10 "token of appreciate, thinking of you" gift.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm doing all the giving. And no one is thinking about me. I mean…it's about the money. But then again it's not really about the money. That 5-600 a year I spend on gifts is money that I could be saving for ME. But in the grand scheme of things it's not a lot of money….55 gifts for 500-600 is damed good gift giving! If I do say so myself.
What I feel like saying is "I'm tired of giving to every one else and no one gives me squat." But, not all gifts are material things.
And they do give me their friendship, they do give me courtesy at work. My neighbors are good.
I guess I'm just feeling the burden of the pressure I put on myself.
Am I the only one who feels this way. I hope I'm not the only one feeling the pressure to always be "the one who cares?" Sort of like in a family where one person is the one who's always counted on to do the social scheduling and remembering birthdays and anniversaries, and inviting to dinner, or for a weekend. Why can't someone else do it sometimes.
(Why am I even thinking about this now? QVC has a great deal on gift ideas for "christmas in July sale" so IF I'm going to end up giving gifts I might was well order them now. I'd hate to pass up the deals, only to may more for something later.)
You know what - send a note to all your gift recipients and tell them you have decided in lieu of giving individual gifts you will be donating $500 a year to your favorite charity. Then do it. If I give someone a gift and I don't get a thank you note or phone call they don't receive another gift from me. (Christmas excluded).
I get it. I used to do that too. I stopped and now just get better gifts for the few that matter.
Of course, the mailman always gets something though - with all the online shopping I do, I feel like I owe him
My sister doesn't reciprocate and at first, my feelings were hurt, but then I realized she just has other priorities. I enjoy making her handmade gifts and she and my mother in law are so grateful for my efforts, it makes me feel good. And I still send my niece and nephews gifts even though she doesn't do for my kids because ... well, I want to. And it's not like my kids don't get enough, that's for sure.
You need to do some soul searching, figure out why you do this and re-prioritize. Don't ever give something (money, gifts) with an expectation. Giving has to be it's own reward. Anything more is just gravy.
If we really don't do things for others expecting something in return that's great.
But all of us, as long as we are human, require some evidence that what we are providing is useful to others. Failing that we tend to stop.
I think the gift that bothers me the most is when you invite someone who you know sort of, but would like to get to know better over to your house for dinner. After that they are still the same, even though you thought you had a wonderful time together. But they never reciprocate with a get-together at their house, and while they are the same as they were, they don't seem to want to get any closer to you.
Jukes, that's exactly it. I'm SINK, AND the most financially set of my 3 siblings who all had kids. I have 15 nieces and nephews, and four grand nieces and nephews! Sibs, kids, spouses, a couple of close other relatives -- PLUS my own friends, co workers, neighbors…geez! Part of the reason I'm always giving is because I do have more than they do.
Bluesmama, I did sort of say why I was thinking about this now. I saw a great gift idea, that's on sale. And I was wondering about whether I really what to be thinking about this now. But IF I'm going to gift give, I didn't want the sale to pass by. But it didn't get the sale item. IF I give I'll just come up with something else.
Convextech, I don't think I ever said they don't "thank me." They do. Most of them don't/can't reciprocate in kind that's all. ANd it'd be nice to GET gifts, more often or even HALF as often as I give.
Glad to see I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I've also in general just been thinking a lot about my "uneven friendships" and what if anything I should do about those. If I'm the one who's always calling you or inviting you to lunch. Then I do need to rethink what I am getting out of that -- and is it enough anymore.
I think you have to look deeper. Ask yourself what you were hoping to accomplish with all the gifts. You may have to spend some time thinking about it. Since you mentioned you are more financially secure than your family and the other people you give to, perhaps you feel a sense of guilt?
Sometimes people don't seem as grateful as you might wish, because they're uncomfortable with constantly being given gifts. I once had a boss who constantly gave me small gifts and I liked her, but it felt a bit weird . . . especially since I didn't enjoy the job and really wanted out.
I had the "gifting illness" myself and decided it's harmful for me. I'm pretty much cured now.
I was particularly talented in getting things people LOVED. I've always received compliments upon compliments at my ability to find the perfect thing. I had an ability to see a person's needs and find the very thing to solve a problem. And I had the gift of discerning people's tastes and giving things that appealed to them.
Well, guess what? I have been betrayed by the very "friend" I've given the most to. They were NOT THERE for me when I desperately needed them. Even worse, I always suspected they were just going through the motions. I should have listened to my heart.
People who really love you will show up when the chips are down, and it won't be because of gifts. Gifts will never ever turn a person into a true friend either.
^^ Thanks. It's something to think about…
Gifts to coworkers (and again we're talking about a 5.00 "token of appreciation" gift like chenille slouch socks and a piece of candy) -- are as a "thanks because you make work a nice place, I appreciate you as a co-worker who has my back, and you're not a biotech at work." Sort of work friends….and they DO say "Oh thanks so much." It's only about 4-5 "work friends."
Gifts to the lawn care service guy (in place of a tip) and neighbors are sort of a token thank you as well.
The family gifts are a token of love and affection…and even they are just $5-10.00
I just believe I should show appreciation for the people in my life…even some on the periphery.
My hairstylist doesn't HAVE to squeeze me in when I call at the last minute.
The security guard at work doesn't HAVE to let me in the elevator if I forget my pass. (He COULD say too bad call up stairs and have someone come get you)
I like to thank people and show appreciation when people so something for me they don't HAVE to do. And co-workers don't HAVE to have your back at work. It goes a long way to show you appreciate people, and what they do.
I guess I'm just reevaluating -- because ON THE SURFACE -- I don't seem to have anyone who's showing they appreciate me.
I know they do. But….I guess it'd be nice to be fawned over or shown a bit more attention.
So now I have to ask myself WHY I need that kind of affirmation……oh well….
Maybe you're creating a stylized reality for yourself that never materialized. Like in the movies.
I used to go FULL OUT with Christmas decorating and realized that I typically didn't even have alot of company to enjoy it with and my kid and I were the visitors TO other homes not vise versa. LOL Sometimes I'd have more "company" on Sundays because people knew I would have a big dinner on the stove versus the holidays. Because they had HUGE families etc and stuff like "open houses" that I'd never have time to be doing.
So I cut back drastically.
Nobody in my office EVER gave gifts. Too awkward for the recipient who has nothing to reciprocate with. We never even thought of it. The team leader gave a token individual gift and we chipped in a small amount for the same thing for them. Usually FOOD LOL
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