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I've noticed this every now and then with certain people. While not common, it's puzzling behavior. These types of people will be rude, condescending, snarky, abrasive etc. on a regular basis, almost as if it is ingrained in their personality to communicate in this way, yet these same people will become the most sensitive people on the planet if anyone dares to stand up to them. In other words they are more then comfortable dishing it out but when it comes back their way, even in the smallest of dose, they can't handle it. At all.
Are they lacking in self awareness, not realizing how they come across? Are they faking their indignation in order to gaslight and play the victim? Or is it something deeper? The following article suggests that this is something that is commonly seen in narcissists. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...an-dish-it-out
Quote:
When criticized, narcissists show themselves woefully incapable of retaining any emotional poise, or receptivity. And it really doesn't much matter whether the nature of that criticism is constructive or destructive. They just don't seem to be able to take criticism, period. At the same time, these disturbed individuals demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others (as in, "dish it out" to them).
Yes--a lack of self awareness. Narcissists will probably never be able to change much. But others who simply are in the habit of dishing it, might possibly be jolted into self awareness at some point in their lives.
Unhappily, I think some of us older people become crabby and inflexible in our lives, and at some point we can't change. They can dish out criticism, but cannot understand criticism of themselves. I hope to avoid that myself as I continue to get older.
I've noticed this every now and then with certain people. While not common, it's puzzling behavior. These types of people will be rude, condescending, snarky, abrasive etc. on a regular basis, almost as if it is ingrained in their personality to communicate in this way, yet these same people will become the most sensitive people on the planet if anyone dares to stand up to them. In other words they are more then comfortable dishing it out but when it comes back their way, even in the smallest of dose, they can't handle it. At all.
Are they lacking in self awareness, not realizing how they come across? Are they faking their indignation in order to gaslight and play the victim? Or is it something deeper? The following article suggests that this is something that is commonly seen in narcissists. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...an-dish-it-out
My husband was gas lighting me....I watched in horror one day, as he so totally orchastrated, a senerio, to a close male friend....
he had told me once before this happened, that if a person calls you, and you don't hang up the phone, even though the other person hangs up, you won't be disconnected, and if they pick the phone back up, they will hear everything. Well, we were arguing, and he phoned this male friend and asked him to come over, and then laid the phone down...he baited me...
Then when the friend came over, I sat there and watched him lie to the male friend that rendered me weak kneed and speechless....
I believe b/c human being don't do anything for one reason, it's probably a little of both your thoughts there?
cremebrule, I think you are right, it is probably a mix of reasons, or different people do it for different reasons.
I am 90% sure that one person that I know who does this type of thing really is a narcissist. His personality is abrasive and mean and he has no problem at all dishing out negativity. One time I made a joke about his shirt. It was a Hawaiian shirt and I asked him if he was going to a luau and he almost cried. He is extremely sensitive to criticism, yet dishes it out in spades. I also think he lacks self awareness. Multiple issues going on with that one. Understanding why he is the way he is helps me in dealing with him.
In other people, I think that some are completely unaware of their own behavior (lack of self awareness) and I think some are gas lighting and manipulative people who like to set up a situation and then play the victim. That is the worst kind in my book.
Last edited by MissTerri; 08-17-2016 at 11:01 AM..
cremebrule, I think you are right, it is probably a mix of reasons, or different people do it for different reasons.
I am 90% sure that one person that I know who does this type of thing really is a narcissist. His personality is abrasive and mean and has no problem at all dishing out negativity. One time I made a joke about his shirt. It was a Hawaiian shirt and I asked him if he was going to a luau and he almost cried. He is extremely sensitive to criticism, yet dishes it out in spades. I also think he lacks self awareness. Multiple issues going on with that one. Understanding why he is the way he is helps me in dealing with him.
In other people, I think that some are completely unaware of their own behavior (lack of self awareness) and I think some are gas lighting and manipulative people who like to set up a situation and then play the victim. That is the worst kind in my book.
I'm going to tell you what my counselor told me...stay away from people like that...why? Because they are dangerous.
My ex, literally sat on the sofa, jumping up and down, screaming, "I didn't do anything" like a little child. 3 days after I left, he had another woman in the house, and after that, he was constantly calling me, begging me to come back....he still calls me and it's been 20 years and he's married to the woman that he ran around on me, with.
Please Terri, and you don't have to defend your personal life, but if you tend to gravitate towards these people, find out why, b/c they will literally drive you nuts. They are dangerous people, insecure with huge problems....ones that you or I cannot or never will fix.
I swear to you, he almost drove me over the edge. No joke...and he has conned other people into believing him...he actually almost had me convinced I was going thru the change.
Everything I did was wrong...
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere for a girls weekend...I had a path to work and the grocery store and that was it. Yet, he went hunting, fishing, on getaways with the guys...a pathetic excuse for a man.
I'm sharing this with you, b/c they are not worth the time and effort you give them and they will steal your identity from you...with this its like a game, they want to break you....
His sister was a counselor, and she said, "I love my brother but do you know he's got huge mental problems, please get out of there!" So I did thank God.
I tell you true, the woman he married, is most likely a very nice woman, but he will drive her nuts.
He will put her down all the time, even in front of her own kids...
she doesn't cook right, clean right....and if your in a conversation with another couple, or several people and she has the floor, he will butt in and change the subject...
the reason he calls me, isn't b/c he's interested, it's b/c he needs to feed his ego, to see if I'm still interested.
The only time he feels good about himself, is when he is in a new relationship....
Some people are so mean that they take the one thing that would hurt themselves the most and they use it on people they want to hurt. These people truly have a mean streak and some can't stop themselves from doing this. It might be part of borderline personality behavior.
I was going to say that what you describe is typical of narcissists; it's a personality disorder, like an illness. But I see you've figured that out. And yes, it can be perplexing. You can't help but think, "How is it this person isn't getting it? Do they really think it's ok to be a jerk to others, but if you show them what a jerk they're being, they don't see it?" The answer is yes, they really don't see it. Holding a mirror up to them only causes them to label you as the jerk, the mean or offensive one. They are clueless. Hard to believe it's not all deliberate, but they truly are clueless.
Please Terri, and you don't have to defend your personal life, but if you tend to gravitate towards these people, find out why, b/c they will literally drive you nuts. They are dangerous people, insecure with huge problems....ones that you or I cannot or never will fix.
I'm actually repelled by this type. I tend to avoid them. I only have one real longstanding relationship with this type and it's because they are an extended family member. I see them a few times a year and that's it. I found their behavior to be baffling but eventually connected the dots and was able to make sense of it which helps a ton.
I didn't really bring this up because of personal issues but rather to try and gain a better understanding regarding the psychology of those who do this because I have encountered others (besides my extended family member) who do this although they never become my friends or people who I choose to interact with or let into my life. I'm sure many others encounter this type as well from time to time from coworkers, people in public, people in groups like book clubs or other discussion based groups. Some, like you, have had to live with these types, which I agree can be dangerous, emotionally draining and even abusive types of people. Sorry you had to deal with him. He sounds awful.
I'm not seeking to fix but am seeking to understand as it does baffle me when someone is a total jerk all of the time yet can't handle it at all when anyone calls them out or stands up to them, even in the most mild way.
Some people are so mean that they take the one thing that would hurt themselves the most and they use it on people they want to hurt. These people truly have a mean streak and some can't stop themselves from doing this. It might be part of borderline personality behavior.
Good point about borderline personality and just mean people. I suspect the mean ones are the ones who would resort to gaslighting and feigning innocence because it's a way for them to further their control and abuse and just be mean.
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