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This topic really is about being considerate of your partner when you share space together. Even though I have spoken to my husband about how I feel about leaving things open, etc. he never affirms that he will try to be more aware since he knows this bothers me.
For instance, I used to go around the house and gather all the towels that needed to be washed. I removed his off his towel hook. He asked me that from now on could I please put a new towel on the hook so when he gets out of the shower a towel will be there. So I said of course I would and from that point on whenever I take the towel off his hook to be washed I replace it with a new one so he will have one when he gets out. I could have taken the other road and been spiteful and not replace it, but thats not who I am. I wasnt aware that when I removed the towel that he would be without when he got out of the shower. Bringing it to my attention was all it took for me to comply and keep him happy. Why can't he do the same for me? Why is it too much for him to make sure the refrigerator/freezer door is closed..the only effort it takes is closing it with a firm hand..and voila! Something SOOO EASY, yet impossible.
Why can't he do the same for me? Why is it too much for him to make sure the refrigerator/freezer door is closed..the only effort it takes is closing it with a firm hand..and voila! Something SOOO EASY, yet impossible.
It may help if you realize it is not a lack of consideration or done on purpose.
I would give the shirt off my back for anyone, and I am happiest when I am doing for others.
But, I am the absent minded professor type.
So when I don't close a cabinet it is not that I am being thoughtless. Who knows
why but sometimes I think my brain is just focused on other things.
I don't take it personally. It's NOT personal. And he is at least as inconvenienced as I am and often moreso, so it's not like he's "getting one over on me."
I think that part of it is how his brain is wired together, part of it is how he was raised (by a mother with the same sort of wiring), and a big part of it is birth order (he's the baby of his family, I'm the firstborn).
My husband is gallant. He's patient. He's forgiving. He's kind hearted. He's open and loving and just good natured all the way around. So no, I don't think it's personal. But I DO think it's obtuse and weird!
He just doesn't think like I think, not at all. For instance, we have these oddball lights above a dropped shelf thing around the ceiling in our bathroom. Let me tell you something, it would be a hassle to replace one of those light bulbs and would definitely entail getting a ladder out, crawling up there, and God only knows what else. These lights are sort of an ambiance thing, not an actually necessary light source. So you know what - I don't turn them on very often. I don't turn them on often because 1) we already have nice ambiance in our bathroom, and 2) I don't want to have to replace them! But the light switch is next to his shower light switch. So sometimes he turns them on - not for any reason - he's in his shower and can't even see them. And often, he then LEAVES BOTH SETS OF LIGHTS ON and just leaves the bathroom. He might leave them on all day, all night, whatever. I've tried to allow things to take their natural course, by just leaving them on till we get in the bed at night and he FINALLY notices they're on and then he will eventually jump up and yell, "CRAP - SOMEONE LEFT THE LIGHTS ON IN THE BATHROOM!" and sigh heavily and go in there and turn them off. But he never replaces light bulbs around here. The reason is that, just like his beeping car or the beeping fridge door, he will wait and wait and wait till it's just something you simply cannot ignore another minute. But for me, I don't want to deal with the irritation of a beeping alarm, or a burned out light bulb.
The other night around 3 am, one of our smoke detectors started doing that "beep" once a minute signaling that the battery was low. HOW CAN SOMEONE SLEEP THROUGH THAT ONCE THEY KNOW IT'S HAPPENING. I mean, it woke both of us up. But here's the difference - he can ignore it, and could probably ignore it for DAYS. And then he'd finally suddenly jump up and start yelling at the ceiling, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY! DAMN IT! I'LL CHANGE YOUR STUPID BATTERY!" I can't stand it. There was no way I could sleep through that small, subtle beep coming from another area of the house. I whispered, "Do you hear that?" He said, "Yes," and then promptly rolled back over and went back to sleep. Meanwhile, I went out into the main living area in my skivvies, stood around listening for whichever one it was, finally figured out which one it was, then went out into the garage, got the ladder, took down the alarm, climbed back down, went into the kitchen to get the new batteries, then replaced them, climbed back up the ladder, screwed the contraption back in, then climbed back down, folded the ladder back up, took it back out to the garage, and then climbed back into bed.
See, a lot of it boils down to how we were raised, I believe. Every time I turn something on or off, or use something, I hear in the back of my head, my dad saying "You know, you're sitting there clicking that pen - well, it only has so many clicks - predestined - before it just won't work anymore. You're using up your pen for nothing." And he was right. He also always said "Never go backwards when you can go forward," regarding driving but it fits any number of situations. He also always chose a parking space that gave the vehicle some protection - like an end parking space where at least one side of the vehicle would never be hit by an opening car door. I could go on but you get my drift - and I got HIS drift. One of my life mottoes is "Never unnecessarily limit your options," as well. I'm just a very methodical thinker. I can't help that any more than my husband can help the way he thinks.
When he parks, he parks a long way from other vehicles - we both do that after a woman swung open her car door and caused over $1000 in damage to our vehicle a couple of years ago - and we were sitting in the car! (Thankfully - we finally managed to get her insurance to pay the damages.) But he often parks in the NEXT TO THE LAST space - where there's a space left on either side of the vehicle. I mean, you're going through the trouble of parking way out in the parking lot, you're going to have to walk further anyway, why not just park in the last space so that at least one side of your car absolutely will not get banged up by someone else's car door? I don't get it, I really don't get it. I also don't say anything because he'd nearly certainly look at me and say, "You want to drive? Look, I'm not going to drive anymore today - you're driving. Yep. It's on you. You drive." Ain't nobody got time fo dat. For the record, I WOULD drive - but he prefers to drive us around, and he always says "I can't relax when you drive." OK. No problem. But dang it.
I think all of this ties in to the whole "leaving a cabinet door open" thing. Oh, get this - we have a coat closet. He often goes into the coat closet to get a coat. Nearly every single time, he leaves the light on, and the door open. WHY? I can't figure that out. Same with the hall bathroom if he uses it. He will leave the fan on, and the light on. WHY??????? His closet door has an automatic light switch - when you open the door, the light comes on. EVERY SINGLE TIME - not NEARLY every time but EVERY SINGLE TIME he opens his closet door, he leaves it open, so of course the light is also on. WHY WHY WHY?
He has shelves in the garage, with all these little bins that hold screws, nuts, bolts, electrical stuff, etc. He's a tinkerer. Oh my gosh, that stuff is a shambles. And every single time he wants some particular bolt or screw size or whatever, he rummages through all those bins looking for it. And he always says, "I know I have one of those," and will spend an hour looking for it. And sometimes he finds it and sometimes he doesn't, and instead he runs up to the hardware store and buys one, and then several weeks later he says, "HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND - I knew I had one of these!" And he's delighted! But he doesn't need it now! And he says, "Oh well, now I know I have one," and the cycle continues. Now, this is harmless but come on.
I can continue - sock drawer. Well, he has a drawer that has socks and underwear in it. I do the laundry, and I always put his underwear on one side and socks on the other. Easy, right? WRONG. Every single time I open it to put laundry away, he has rifled through it and mixed up the socks and underwear in a hodgepodge of socks and underwear. And not only are they all mixed up, they are TANGLED up. I don't do anything other than put the newly washed underwear back on one side and the socks on the other side but about once a month, I go through and separate them all again into two neat piles. And he comes along and I swear to you, it seems intentional, he mucks them all up again immediately. Now - here's the ironic thing. If I put something in the "wrong" drawer, he very politely and nicely says, "Honey, look here - I started putting my pajamas in this drawer, so can you please start putting them there when you do the laundry?" So I know he has an idea of organization - but then sometimes I'll open that pajama drawer and something else random will be in there - that he put in there. What? Well, OK, whatever.
I wonder if he prefers to live in chaos? I don't know. I don't know how his brain works. I also know that he loves "organizing" his closet, and garage, and shed - except they're not actually organized, they're just picked up (he does like things to be neat and clean - he just has no concept apparently of organization). He picks things up and sticks them in oddball places and then he can't find them later.
Sorry, but I just spent two days helping him clean out and organize the shed and garage. Well, sort of organize it. I don't generally touch anything in either place, but he asked me to help him, so I said sure. He seemed genuinely grateful for my help, and he kept bragging about how I can "see" things he can't see, and all that good stuff. So like I said, we were "organizing" the shelves (which is when he found the opened container of motor oil). And after we got everything out, and threw away a lot of junk, I said, "OK, let's do this - let's put all the car related stuff in this cabinet, and then the house maintenance stuff on this shelf, and the bike related stuff on this shelf," and he gave me this puzzled look and said, "Sure, OK," and within a minute or two, I noticed that he was just - VERY NEATLY - putting anything and everything in every shelf and cabinet all hodgepodge. I said gently, "Hey, that's bike stuff - let's put that on this shelf, and let's put that tire cleaner in the cabinet with the car stuff," and he said, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right," but I know that as soon as I said that, it went right in one ear and out the other.
Just to clarify - I don't waste energy fussing. It accomplishes nothing and then both of us have our noses out of joint. Nope. I just close the cabinet door, or turn off the light, or whatever.
But it does bother me when I keep thinking, "Wow, where is that draft coming from?" and I realize it's coming from upstairs - because the door to the attic was left wide open, and the light up there has been on for days now, and just... well, why? Why not just TURN THE LIGHT OFF AND CLOSE THE DOOR? It's just not difficult.
It's not that I never, ever do these things myself. But honestly, they're rare. For instance, I actually forgot my new, expensive sunglasses in a restaurant the day after my husband bought them for me. Which is why, in the past, I have never bought expensive sunglasses, but I digress. Anyway, but the difference is, I IMMEDIATELY realized it, before we even got out of the parking lot, and I said, "Stop, stop, let me run back in and Lord, I hope they're still there, but I left my sunglasses on the table!" Get this - this actually seemed to delight him. He was so understanding as he turned around. He said, "Don't worry, honey, if they're not there, I'll buy you another pair." He was super sweet as he pulled to the curb and I ran in like a scalded cat. And they were there - someone had already turned them in to the hostess. But you know what - we have been married for thirteen years and that is THE only time I have ever forgotten my sunglasses somewhere. He has lost, oh I don't know HOW many sunglasses, and he's always, I mean several times a year, calling around or going back to restaurants or stores looking for his glasses, or hell, looking for them around the house. So the one time I did it, I guess he felt like it was his opportunity to show me how to react, or maybe he just truly did understand my feelings, I don't know. Anyway, he was sweet as peaches about the whole thing.
When he loses his, I just don't get in a tizzy. I just let him look. I may call the last store we were in. While he runs around looking and muttering, "What the hell is wrong with me, there's something wrong with me, am I getting dementia?" I just say "Honey, no, I don't think you are getting dementia - it's OK," because what else am I supposed to say? If we're late, we're just late. If I'm sitting in the car while he runs back in looking for something, so be it. That's what phones are for, right? Looking at social media, checking emails, whatever.
It does no good at all to shame him, or to argue with him, or to try to correct him, or try to "train" him or whatever. It only frustrates both of us.
I generally focus on the great things about him - and there are so many. I'm just venting here. My sister in law and I vent too - because get this - he has a brother who is just like him in this regard! Clearly it's either genetic or the way they were raised - probably both. And they're both great guys overall. I'm lucky to have him. I am also lucky that he makes enough money to buy all the expensive sunglasses that either of us could ever need.
You all are way over thinking this...it's done to prevent the associated noise involved with the opening or shutting of said drawer or cabinet door...likely they were trained at some point in their life by a light-sleeper or nit-picker when accidentally making noise getting in and out of these places. My opinion.
You all are way over thinking this...it's done to prevent the associated noise involved with the opening or shutting of said drawer or cabinet door...likely they were trained at some point in their life by a light-sleeper or nit-picker when accidentally making noise getting in and out of these places. My opinion.
Sorry but I see a direct correlation between leaving cabinet doors open, leaving closet doors open, and lights on, misplacing stuff on a daily basis, etc. And why not close the refrigerator door? Nope, sorry, I don't think this is generally the reasoning. I am not sure there IS any reasoning involved.
Lol. I'm the odd couple all rolled into one! And if I can handle my inadequacy. .that's all that matters really. Because A: I'm accountable b: I'm not accountable to another's inadequacy to pick and choose which hill to fight.
My challenge is being a third party on looker. I am the peacemaker. If person a and b are arguing on who should do xyz I simply but in and do it! It's the just get it done and stop wasting time and energy. Then after I do it I use my energy to tell em both to just get it done next time. Unless it's dangerous...someone leaving the stove on ...or smoking next to aunt ethel and her oxygen tank. Then we have a problem.
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Really?
