Wife wants to have couples friends (parent, anxiety, husband, issues)

[mordant]

OP, you're getting generally good advice but I'll throw in a couple of basic principles.

One, don't overthink it and don't think such relationships have to be perfect or populated with perfect people (including yourself). Have modest expectations. It is probably enough for your wife, who is likely a little more extroverted or at least more social than you, to just have a pleasant dinner out with acquaintances who may or may not become real friends. Baby steps.

I am similar to you in that my social needs are modest, I don't particularly enjoy couples schmoozing, and would invariably prefer to stay home and work, read or watch TV. But I do it to stretch myself and to make an honest effort to help my wife meet her social needs (which fortunately aren't massively greater or different than mine really). My wife's assessment of me is that I'm actually funny and interesting when I'm not trying to be, and fall flat when I am trying. In this she is correct; that may be your situation too. Just be yourself and don't try too hard or care too much and it will work out.

Another thing both my wife and I have noticed is that we have an approach avoidance issue with these sorts of social events, to the point that we're tempted to cancel at the last minute because we just doing feel like doing it. But we push on through, and once we are out the door we are fine. You will likely have that "ugh" feeling in the hours leading up to it, a sense of dread even, and then once you get your touche moving and actually get there, you'll be fine. Everyone's different of course, I'm just suggesting you be on guard for this and stretch yourself a little out of your comfort zone. It may well seem like a bigger stretch then it ends up being.

[arctic_gardener]

It's nice that you have that luxury. I am in the situation of wanting friends, but not having anyone give me the chance.

[Fakemellamo]

you don't explain enough about anything for me to really see any other solution. You don't say how old you both are

Im 45, shes 42

whether you both work outside the home .

I work outside the home, she is a stay at home Mom by choice.

whether you have any acquaintances at all in common

Yes we have a few aquaintances in common, I just get stressed out at the thought of having people over.

whether you have any interests other than being a hermit (or whether you and your wife share any common interests at all either)

Yes we enjoy each other alot, she is my best friend. I just have no desire(possibly out of fear?) to have people over, or go on couples dates. we do have alot of interests in common, I just dont want to hang out with others as a couple. I know I am a weirdo.

how long you have been married or even what it is you 'think' she really wants or needs here or whether she has been asking about this for a long time or just started now

Married 16 years, she has always longed to have people over, or couples friends.

You supposedly know your wife - what is it you truly think she wants and why?

She wants us to have this "Hallmark" friends over for dinner or dessert kind of thing. Its a foreign concept to me as my parents never did this. Im not saying I am right at all. I am looking for guidance.

Why aren't you willing to get past yourself once in a while to make her happy? This seems to be all about YOU and your discomfort.

Part one, it goes back to feeling inferior, feeling our house is too small, etc etc etc.
Part two, yes this is all about me and my discomfort.I am not denying being selfish, if indeed I am.
I am looking for help. I want to change, I wish it didnt stress me out to have people over.
I do however host Thanksgiving every year for family, I enjoy cooking, I am even pretty good at it. But getting to that point of having family over stresses me out to no end. I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am being serious here. Sometimes I feel as though I need "something" to take the edge off.

[mordant]

Originally Posted by Fakemellamo

Part one, it goes back to feeling inferior, feeling our house is too small, etc etc etc.

Part two, yes this is all about me and my discomfort.I am not denying being selfish, if indeed I am.
I am looking for help. I want to change, I wish it didnt stress me out to have people over.
I do however host Thanksgiving every year for family, I enjoy cooking, I am even pretty good at it. But getting to that point of having family over stresses me out to no end. I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am being serious here. Sometimes I feel as though I need "something" to take the edge off.

I hear you. It does sound tough.

You need to overcome this for both you and your wife's sake I think.

Something like Propanolol (the "stage fright" drug) might be helpful the day of, but it sounds like you may need something to take the edge off generally. In my previous post I described pretty ordinary approach avoidance anxiety but it sounds like it's at a fever pitch for you.

Talk to you doctor about this and see what he suggests.

You are a gem, being willing to make this kind of personally difficult change. Your wife will really appreciate it.

[Fakemellamo]

being willing to make this kind of personally difficult change. Your wife will really appreciate it.

I want to, I love her

[curiousgeorge5]

Originally Posted by Fakemellamo

So, I'm a bit of a loner. People say "you're the nicest guy I don't know"
I have a couple of close friends from childhood that I keep up with.
My wife has her friends, but always wishes we were close with one couple together to have dinners with etc.
So, I tell her she can have all the friends she wants but dont include me. Lol.
I'm trying to change that. How do I do that, and why do I shy away from it.
I have had a hard time letting people "in" if you know what I mean. I don't let people get too close.

Thanks

If you weren't burned a lot in life, I'd say you're just introverted.

Originally Posted by Fakemellamo

I just dont feel like a man sometimes. I do have alot of achievments in music, bands recording, the outdoors, hunting and fishing. In conversations im the guy people would want most on their "survival" team. Still though I dont feel I am living to my potential.

Don't feel that way. You work and make an honest living, you have "achievements", and people would want you to be on their survival team. Sounds like a good man to me.

[lkmax]

Your wife is a SAHM. Even if you don't realize it, and even if you are a bit of an introvert, you might actually miss some of the day-to-day interactions that you have with your co-workers each day if you were to quit your job and stay home, even if it's just that one co-worker who always tells stupid jokes or that one guy who you chat with about the weather while you're both fixing your coffee in the morning.

I am not a mom but I do work full-time from home, which has way more benefits than disadvantages for me. However, being home all day can be a bit lonely (and I'm pretty introverted...), and even though your wife has your kids around, and even if she has girlfriends who she can meet up with, she doesn't -- by the very definition of her day-to-day schedule -- probably get as much social interaction on an average day as you do.

You say you've been married for 16 years and that she has always wanted to have friends over. To me, and maybe I sound selfish, it just seems like something you should try to "suck up" if you can.

Listen, you have a good, steady job with benefits. Your home is going to be paid off in just a few years. You are far from a failure. I doubt that is what anyone thinks anyway. In my experience, if your home is clean and if you and your wife are good hosts, no one is going to judge you. I've been to parties, gatherings, dinners, etc. in multi-million dollar homes, singlewide trailers and everything in-between. You might be surprised if I were to tell you which were some of my favorites.

Try to do this for your wife. Don't make a big deal out of it. Her feelings matter just as much as yours do, and if this is something that she has been "wanting" for 16 years, then dammit, it's time to give it to her. Tell her to schedule a dinner at an unpretentious restaurant for dinner, or a bar for a couple of drinks, or a coffee shop for a few coffees. Let her know you're okay with her inviting people over for dinner or just for some simple appetizers, drinks and conversation. Ask her to compromise and keep things simple -- plans that last for a couple of hours, at first -- and try to suck it up. You might enjoy it more than you think, but more importantly, you'll be doing something for the woman you love.

This is not uncommon. Sometimes I don't understand why *some* men have to make such a huge deal about spending a couple of hours doing something that their wife wants for a change...and something that they might halfway like if they give it a chance.

My husband put me through hell when we were invited to my cousin's wedding, which I knew he would enjoy because he loves to visit the mountains in the fall. From the day that we got the invitation in the mail, he bitched and bitched about having to go to this wedding. By the time we actually got to the rehearsal dinner, I was exhausted and upset and irritated from having to hear it. I was honestly ready to call my aunt and tell her that one of us had food poisoning or something so that we could skip because I couldn't take another second of his complaining about it. He had me in tears on probably dozens of occasions in the weeks leading up to this wedding.

Once we got there, he transformed because he actually had a WONDERFUL time. He still talks about the filet mignon that we had at the rehearsal dinner to this day. The next day, though, he still fussed and fussed and fussed about how stupid weddings are and how he didn't want to go and blah blah blah the whole time I was getting ready for the wedding...then we got there, and he had fun. What was crazy, though, was that he had way more fun that weekend than I did because I was the one who had to listen to his constant bitching and arguing.

[TabulaRasa]

Compromising and doing things outside your comfort zone on occasion if they are meaningful to your partner's happiness is part of being married. The same courtesy should be extended by one's spouse.

Nobody should be in a marriage for nearly two decades, and feel like, "I've always wanted to socialize with other couples, but my spouse won't go for it, so we don't do that."

It's not reasonable to say, "Well, I dislike socializing, therefore, I'm never going to do it. Too bad for my spouse." It's also not respectful to a partner to take such a hard line on something that also affects him or her. Marriage is give and take, not a series of lines in the sand.

[reds37win]

Does it have to result in you having people over to your home? Most of the time, when my wife and I visit with friends, we do so over a meal. Most of the time, it's just an ordinary restaurant, as we are there to enjoy each other's company, not spend a ridiculous amount of money. Other times, we'll meet up for a movie or a picnic in the park.

Figure out the elements that are causing you stress and see if you can figure out ways to mitigate the stress and still have an enjoyable time.

[Aery11]

Originally Posted by Fakemellamo

Im 45, shes 42

I work outside the home, she is a stay at home Mom by choice.


Yes we have a few aquaintances in common, I just get stressed out at the thought of having people over.

Yes we enjoy each other alot, she is my best friend. I just have no desire(possibly out of fear?) to have people over, or go on couples dates. we do have alot of interests in common, I just dont want to hang out with others as a couple. I know I am a weirdo.

Married 16 years, she has always longed to have people over, or couples friends.

She wants us to have this "Hallmark" friends over for dinner or dessert kind of thing. Its a foreign concept to me as my parents never did this. Im not saying I am right at all. I am looking for guidance.

Part one, it goes back to feeling inferior, feeling our house is too small, etc etc etc.
Part two, yes this is all about me and my discomfort.I am not denying being selfish, if indeed I am.
I am looking for help. I want to change, I wish it didnt stress me out to have people over.
I do however host Thanksgiving every year for family, I enjoy cooking, I am even pretty good at it. But getting to that point of having family over stresses me out to no end. I feel like my brain is going to explode. I am being serious here. Sometimes I feel as though I need "something" to take the edge off.

Thanks for responding to my many (sorry) questions. How about taking up yoga and/or meditation to help yourself de-stress - at least right before any event that seems to panic you .. which don't seem that frequent anyway. At least that is a tool you could use if you need it if you learned at least the basics about how they work and how to invoke them if needed. You could talk to a doctor or a therapist - they may have better ideas for you but I hope they don't recommend pills to take the edge off. I think this can probably be more easily resolved with more 'natural methods'.


I wonder too if because the events (like that one dinner a year) are so infrequent if you might not get better if you did them more often perhaps. That may seem a bit counterintuitive but perhaps you have too much time in between to fret about it and that makes it seem worse.


I used to be very afraid of flying - more the anticipation than the actual though. If I had to fly once a year, I was truly a mess for many weeks in advance of the flight - and the more time I had after booking the flight to think about it all, the worse it was. Eventually I figured that I have to fix this issue because it was causing problems for more than just myself - I had a husband and kids and they suffered too because of my anxiety. So I got a job that required me to fly almost constantly (on someone else's dollar) - and it worked. I began to hate airports, slugging luggage all over the place, and security issues much more than the flying part. My anxiety really decreased however (the other aspects were just tiring and nuisances, not anxiety producing) .. it was just another day, another flight. Everyone was happier.


You do sound like a good person - I didn't mean to insinuate you are not - and I can understand that some people find social situations quite stressful. I am glad you want to change (for the sake of both yourself and your wife) - and I am supremely happy you and your wife do get along so well .. at least you both have that. Good luck.