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My seventeen year old grandson is allegedly an introvert. I know he likes being by himself to play his guitar and watch tv. If forced to attend a family gathering he will just roam around not saying a word and, to me, it seems very rude. In fact, if his mother tells him to say hello to me he will actually say it in a whisper without even looking at me! At holiday parties his other grandmother will host forty relatives and he'll simply sit in a chair looking straight ahead. He asked his mother if he could leave and she said no.
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it? Or do you think he has a personality disorder that many kids take for depression?
I dread Christmas because I'm afraid he won't come over here. That would really hurt my feelings.
My wife is shy and introverted. She does not like large crowds. I had two tickets to go see Yanni in 2004 and she would not go, due to the crowds. She had me take a Designer friend instead!
Yes, I think if you can get him into a more peaceful, quiet setting, and then make conversation that is important to him, he might open up.
What are his likes/dislikes? Hobbies?
Focus on that, and 'talking' can be over-rated! Just enjoying each one's company and being comfortable in that space is a joy in itself.
PS: Wife hates what she considers 'small talk.' It has to be of importance for her to have an interest.
The behavior you're describing indicated either extreme shyness or poor social skills (possibly as a result of autism or a mental illness), or both. It's not simply introversion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it?
No, that won't help. It might even make things worse.
There may not be much you can do, if the young man in question doesn't want to improve his social skills. You can't force him to be social.
Have you talked to to his parents about his behavior? Have you said anything to him about how you'd like to get to know him better, and would miss him if he didn't attend family events?
I don't need to engage his parents about it because his mother talks about it half the time. This makes me think she's worried about him but she'd never admit it. I don't really have any great desire to "get to know him better" since I missed nine years of his life living in another state. I don't feel close to him at all . Soon he'll go away to college and it will be fascinating to see if that changes him.
I am not even sure if he is able to carry on a conversation . He's just "there" physically. He does love dogs and kids . He will play with them briefly and smile. Then he withdraws.
The behavior you're describing indicated either extreme shyness or poor social skills (possibly as a result of autism or a mental illness), or both. It's not simply introversion.
No, that won't help. It might even make things worse.
There may not be much you can do, if the young man in question doesn't want to improve his social skills. You can't force him to be social.
Have you talked to to his parents about his behavior? Have you said anything to him about how you'd like to get to know him better, and would miss him if he didn't attend family events?
I don't need to engage his parents about it because his mother talks about it half the time. This makes me think she's worried about him but she'd never admit it. I don't really have any great desire to "get to know him better" since I missed nine years of his life living in another state. I don't feel close to him at all . Soon he'll go away to college and it will be fascinating to see if that changes him.
I am not even sure if he is able to carry on a conversation . He's just "there" physically. He does love dogs and kids . He will play with them briefly and smile. Then he withdraws.
His mother has good reason to be concerned, as her son's lack of basic social skills is going to be a huge impediment in adult life. If he can't even carry on short conversations with a small group of relatives, how is he going to fare in college (many classes involve in-class discussion of the material) or when interviewing for jobs?
If you care about this young man at all, encourage his mother to address this issue now, while he's still in school and may be able to qualify for help through the school. This problem isn't going to get better on its own!
My seventeen year old grandson is allegedly an introvert. I know he likes being by himself to play his guitar and watch tv. If forced to attend a family gathering he will just roam around not saying a word and, to me, it seems very rude. In fact, if his mother tells him to say hello to me he will actually say it in a whisper without even looking at me! At holiday parties his other grandmother will host forty relatives and he'll simply sit in a chair looking straight ahead. He asked his mother if he could leave and she said no.
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it? Or do you think he has a personality disorder that many kids take for depression?
I dread Christmas because I'm afraid he won't come over here. That would really hurt my feelings.
I don't think ignoring an introvert (or depressed person) will snap them out of it. I think it would simply hurt their feelings just as it would feel hurtful to any other human being.
I think that if you don't look at him at all nor speak, you'd probably push him further into his shell in addition to hurting his feelings.
His mother has good reason to be concerned, as her son's lack of basic social skills is going to be a huge impediment in adult life. If he can't even carry on short conversations with a small group of relatives, how is he going to fare in college (many classes involve in-class discussion of the material) or when interviewing for jobs?
If you care about this young man at all, encourage his mother to address this issue now, while he's still in school and may be able to qualify for help through the school. This problem isn't going to get batter on its own!
Aredhel--excellent points. I appreciate them so much.
I cannot talk to his mother about his introversion. She becomes angry at me and quite defensive. She is not interested in my opinions, sort of like an aging teenager, and I don't wish to incur her wrath. Last month she had spoken to a psychologist and it was suggested he could have some form of autism. But I would rather jump into a bed of hot coals than to suggest that to her. She knows it all; I know nothing. She needs nothing from me. She disrespects my opinions unless they're a compliment to her. She got that attitude from her no good father, my ex. So on top of having this hanging over her head her husband is a size 3X and only five foot ten inches tall and he looks like a 4X is in his future. That's another subject I'd not broach if that's the right spelling. She is determined to look and act cheerful and go about her very busy life as if all is well.
I do wish she'd take him in for an evaluation but would I suggest that? Surely you jest.
To me (not being judgmental, viewing for my perspective) it is sad that you have little interest in engaging with this young man. You have much to share, but I would venture to guess he might also. If it is not your choice to develop a relationship, then step away so as not to alleinate this young man further from society. Don't snub him. I would ask that others in the family circle take a moment or two to sit and listen to his music, watch the stars, whatever and just be a presence to affirm him. Not affirm his withdrawal but to affirm his worth.
Happy thoughts your way.
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