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I agree with this. When someone insults you, that is personal.
In that same vein, I do not understand social norms. It seems as if people are supposed to overlook both major and minor offenses to 'be the bigger person' - which to me, sounds like letting someone run over you.
First, let me say that this is a fascinating thread.
I do not understand why you went to the funeral if she treated you that way. This is what I mean by social norms. Is this expected? Why?
I agree with this, too.
That's an interesting question. I was mostly friends with her because our husbands were friends. Our husbands came from a tight-knit town where most everyone they knew had grown up together. I grew up in a town several miles away, and this woman grew up in New York City, so we were both "outsiders". It was weird, but that's how it was, so we bonded and became friends because we were both sort of kept at a distance by the other women in this social group. As time went on, we both had a child, a year apart, and when our husbands were at the bar or gambling or watching football, or, as was usually the case, all three, we hung out together and our kids hung out together.
Even though she was not the optimum friend and put me down that way, I was also in a marriage to someone who mistreated me and put me down. It was what I knew and was familiar with, and when you are in that frame of mind, you put up with things a normal, healthy person never would. It is not so much "social norms" as it is low self-esteem. I would not let someone "run over me" in that way NOW, but I sought therapy and changed myself after my divorce. It's not rocket science. I was raised in a tradition that put children down because you didn't want them to get too puffed up and think too much of themselves.
Our friendship ended when I got divorced. The night our divorce was final, she and her husband had my newly-ex husband over for dinner and sat and listened to him cry his crocodile tears over the end of his gravy train. She did reach out and try to keep up a social contact with me, but I cut her off. I wanted no more to do with that town and that group of people. I have not spoken to her in fifteen years.
Very true, and I love words myself, but the thread was really about the concepts behind the words more than the words themselves. Going back to my original example, there is a concept of something called "joy" that appears to go beyond the occasional pleasant feeling we call happy (or all the other synonyms you may have in your list!) This concept that there is this overwhelming, all-encompassing emotion called "joy" was what perplexed me, not that there's a word for "really really happy" called "joy".
The nuances of words exist to distinguish one thing from another, even though they might be related and sometimes interchangeable. The emotions or concepts, however, are not actually experienced by everyone.
Words are limiting. It's like trying to describe pain. How much pain a person feels is subjective as hell. Also, the more extroverted you are the more 'positive' emotions you feel. So .... 'joy' might be a very extroverted feeling of happiness.
One particular feeling that fascinates me is that of 'wonder'. I used to feel such a sense of wonder when I was young. The world seemed to hold an endless amount of promise. It was a very powerful feeling and one, I think, that propelled me. Probably genetically conditioned that way because that feeling is helpful to the survival of the species.
Words are limiting. It's like trying to describe pain. How much pain a person feels is subjective as hell. Also, the more extroverted you are the more 'positive' emotions you feel. So .... 'joy' might be a very extroverted feeling of happiness.
It actually is possible to describe pain. I remember being in the hospital when I was about 11, and a nurse gave me a body diagram with numbers and pictograms of objects on it. Numbers represented the level of pain, obviously, and objects representing the types of pain: prickly, burning, stabbing, etc. I don't know why they chose to use a diagram instead of just having me talk (it was not throat surgery), but their hospital, their rules.
I agree with this. When someone insults you, that is personal.
In that same vein, I do not understand social norms. It seems as if people are supposed to overlook both major and minor offenses to 'be the bigger person' - which to me, sounds like letting someone run over you.
First, let me say that this is a fascinating thread.
I do not understand why you went to the funeral if she treated you that way. This is what I mean by social norms. Is this expected? Why?
I noticed the same thing about society. We are SUPPOSE to be the bigger person by being outwardly nice/polite to people who insult/hurt us because that's MATURITY and being an ADULT. We are suppose to show that we can be level-headed/calm/respectful to someone who insults/hurts us. We should sign a farewell card or go to a funeral of someone who insult/hurt us because that's the RIGHT thing to do. When we don't do these right things, WE look bad, not the other person who insult/hurt us!! I am so BOTHERED by this!!!!!
It actually is possible to describe pain. I remember being in the hospital when I was about 11, and a nurse gave me a body diagram with numbers and pictograms of objects on it. Numbers represented the level of pain, obviously, and objects representing the types of pain: prickly, burning, stabbing, etc. I don't know why they chose to use a diagram instead of just having me talk (it was not throat surgery), but their hospital, their rules.
Describe ... yes, but levels of pain, and how much we can each endure, and why one sort of pain is more bothersome than another..... subjective. I get incapacitating migraines that make me throw up and I hear people complain about headaches. It may be that their pain is greater than mine. Perhaps I've grown used to pain? Maybe their wimps? Who knows?
I am going through a hard time related to this, which is that I cannot understand how you can be nice to someone who hurt you. I cannot even look at the person, I cannot speak to them - not even small talk, I have to stand farther away from them. I know people who have been hurt (not by this same person, but someone in their own lives), yet somehow, they are able to swallow their hurt and outwardly be nice to them. I cannot.
If a person is rude to me, I either point it out or get to the bottom of it. If the person puts the blame on me, that is the only time I avoid them. Otherwise, if there is some apology and an attempt to play nice, I will go along. I don't make that person my closest pal, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sas318
I noticed the same thing about society. We are SUPPOSE to be the bigger person by being outwardly nice/polite to people who insult/hurt us because that's MATURITY and being an ADULT. We are suppose to show that we can be level-headed/calm/respectful to someone who insults/hurts us. We should sign a farewell card or go to a funeral of someone who insult/hurt us because that's the RIGHT thing to do. When we don't do these right things, WE look bad, not the other person who insult/hurt us!! I am so BOTHERED by this!!!!!
This depends on the people you surround yourself with. None of my friends are bothered by the fact that I have not spoken to certain relatives in over 7 months including the children. They know I hold people responsible for what they say and if I am blamed for their rudeness, I don't talk to them until we can address this.
But people who admit they are just plain rude, I can handle them. I just assume good intentions.
This idea came from a conversation in another thread not on the Psychology forum.
We were discussing and trying to define certain feelings, gratitude being the main one. One poster said he just did not understand what it felt like to feel grateful if there is no one to direct the gratitude toward. He said he had a hard time understanding what we meant and why didn't we just mean "happy". (That's the watered-down version of the conversation.)
I replied that I got that, because I hear people refer to a feeling called "joy", but I have no idea what "joy" is supposed to feel like. It seems to me that it's used as an overwhelmingly intense version of "happy", but happy itself something I can only recall feeling once in my lifetime. I have been OK, and content, and "not sad", but happy, to me, is a very rare emotion. Joy is a mystery.
Made me wonder if there are any others out there. Are there common emotions/feelings or abstract concepts to which people refer that you have no idea as to what they actually mean?
I could kind of understand why someone might want marriage or children, but my emotional needs work in a way that I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want monogamy. Kids are cute, and marriage can provide plenty of advantages, but the idea of getting into any kind of relationship where another person besides myself is the center of my world seems bizarrely alien to me.
I could kind of understand why someone might want marriage or children, but my emotional needs work in a way that I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want monogamy. Kids are cute, and marriage can provide plenty of advantages, but the idea of getting into any kind of relationship where another person besides myself is the center of my world seems bizarrely alien to me. I'll work for others. I'll nod and smile for others, but my thoughts and my heart is mine alone, and I can't imagine wanting things any other way than that.
Repped! Clintone here pretty much read my mind.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-24-2016 at 11:35 PM..
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Clintone here pretty much read my mind.
