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Old 12-07-2016, 07:50 AM
 
3,118 posts, read 5,329,523 times
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So I am otherwise a very stable grounded person, but I have this fear/inability to do things like break up with someone if I think it would hurt them.

Example. I am with this girl who I want to break up with and she really likes me. I keep saying I'm going to do it and have her next to me and I just freeze up, my stomach is turning, I and can't get the words out of my mouth. THe best way to describe it is like having to jump off a bridge or pull the trigger of a gun to my head. Those things would seem easier. I just can't do it! And then it consumes my thoughts all day and I feel bad and trapped.

I also have the same fear to a lesser extent to quitting jobs and not awarding contracts at work to people who bid our jobs. I have a fear of telling them they didn't get the project.

When I do manage to do it its like an out of body experience. I just have to say the words and disconnect from my reality. Can anyone relate? How do I fix this?
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Old 12-09-2016, 10:37 PM
 
7,991 posts, read 12,214,686 times
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I think somehow, in your mind, you have blurred your boundaries with those of others.

As well, (and more importantly) you are taking on and assuming too much "responsibility" for the other person's feelings, well being, than you are your own. You are somehow doing a "boomerang" whereby you feel that being true to yourself, asserting your own needs, is to the detriment of the other.

Spend some time thinking about your own self: Your needs, how long this has been going on, other situations in which it has happened, and strive to find the connection between them all....
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Old 12-13-2016, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
16,314 posts, read 10,329,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jman07 View Post
I also have the same fear to a lesser extent to quitting jobs and not awarding contracts at work to people who bid our jobs. I have a fear of telling them they didn't get the project.

YOU are not failing to award contracts. Your company is. As the saying goes, it's just business; nothing personal. When you have to break the bad news to the bidders, de-personalize it. Say "We're sorry, but the company has decided to not award you the project."
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Old 12-13-2016, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,931,652 times
Reputation: 50788
Quote:
Originally Posted by jman07 View Post
So I am otherwise a very stable grounded person, but I have this fear/inability to do things like break up with someone if I think it would hurt them.

Example. I am with this girl who I want to break up with and she really likes me. I keep saying I'm going to do it and have her next to me and I just freeze up, my stomach is turning, I and can't get the words out of my mouth. THe best way to describe it is like having to jump off a bridge or pull the trigger of a gun to my head. Those things would seem easier. I just can't do it! And then it consumes my thoughts all day and I feel bad and trapped.

I also have the same fear to a lesser extent to quitting jobs and not awarding contracts at work to people who bid our jobs. I have a fear of telling them they didn't get the project.

When I do manage to do it its like an out of body experience. I just have to say the words and disconnect from my reality. Can anyone relate? How do I fix this?
I think living your life will help you learn how to finish things.

I suggest writing a caring email and sending it to your gf. Please know that she might have questions, and probably will feel blind sided. But if you don't want to be with her, it really is better if you tell her. You do owe her more than a couple of sentences, and you also owe her some further explanation, which she will ask for, but after that, if you've done it right, you will have set her free.

Just know what you want to do before you do. Take your time writing the email.
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Old 12-16-2016, 08:45 PM
 
2,468 posts, read 3,114,108 times
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It's about asserting yourself when confrontation is needed - I struggle with this too.
How I deal with it is little by little. You get better at anything you practice.
IE: If I used to buy something and realize it wasn't what I thought, instead of taking it back, I'd just keep it, but now I'll take it back and get reimbursed. This is an example of something little - but if you keep practicing, bigger things like breaking up when needed, will be easier (still hard - but easier).

I got in the habit of not asserting myself, and others got in the habit of not respecting my wishes - so when I suddenly began asserting myself, some of them got pissed. It tested me, and sometimes I gave in, but little by little - got better at asserting myself.

Just think of times when you successfully asserted yourself - take a deep breath and say or do what you need to do.
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