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I won't be coming out to him any time soon but if I did, I would make sure of this. One thing a lot of straight guys who are uncomfortable with homosexuals fear is that when a friend comes out as gay that they will try to make a move on them. I have a good friend who is atheist and somewhat homophobic. I am gay but in the closet and I doubt he even suspects that I might be gay.
That actually sounds like a good post, an actual problem. I can't sit here and tell you what you should do or what will work. However, I think the anxiety might be doing you some harm. Personally, it shouldn't matter that your gay, but I don't know your friend or relationship. Overall I think it would be healthier to let him know.
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Originally Posted by bawac34618
Sometimes in our conversations, he can get really homophobic and since he is atheist, it isn't a religious thing to him but more the fact he places a very high value on masculinity and thinks "gays are icky." I personally thing he may not be super comfortable with his own sexuality as he is one of those people that becomes extremely uncomfortable in a situation where someone might question his sexuality.
I get very confused about this, but usually masculinity(hormones) don't go hand in hand with logic. I have had many friend that were homophobic. I kept trying to tell them how stupid that thought process was, as we were not attractive, fit, or sophisticated. I think to have this fear, many have to be very delusional about their overall appeal. Then realize the simple fact all homos aren't sex crazed rapist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
However, I was surprised a few nights ago we were hanging out and he invited some friends over to hang out with us and they were a married gay couple. He treated them completely normal and with respect and showed no sign of homophobia. This actually shocked me given the homophobic attitude this guy will sometimes have. Has anybody ever known anybody like this?
As he might of said bad things, he can't really be a total homophobe if he as two gay (or technically three) gay friends that he respects. I dislike when two men kiss but have overlooked that if they are friend compatible enough. It's the same with pretty girl with an annoying laugh. You have to pick your battles wisely. Maybe he likes the gay couple in question enough to sit through the homo-affection times.
I have a good friend who is atheist and somewhat homophobic. I am gay but in the closet and I doubt he even suspects that I might be gay. Sometimes in our conversations, he can get really homophobic and since he is atheist, it isn't a religious thing to him but more the fact he places a very high value on masculinity and thinks "gays are icky." I personally thing he may not be super comfortable with his own sexuality as he is one of those people that becomes extremely uncomfortable in a situation where someone might question his sexuality.
However, I was surprised a few nights ago we were hanging out and he invited some friends over to hang out with us and they were a married gay couple. He treated them completely normal and with respect and showed no sign of homophobia. This actually shocked me given the homophobic attitude this guy will sometimes have.
Has anybody ever known anybody like this?
Bawac, how much of this is caused by the fact you're closeted and the dichotomy that causes?
I have a good friend who is atheist and somewhat homophobic. I am gay but in the closet and I doubt he even suspects that I might be gay. Sometimes in our conversations, he can get really homophobic and since he is atheist, it isn't a religious thing to him but more the fact he places a very high value on masculinity and thinks "gays are icky." I personally thing he may not be super comfortable with his own sexuality as he is one of those people that becomes extremely uncomfortable in a situation where someone might question his sexuality.
However, I was surprised a few nights ago we were hanging out and he invited some friends over to hang out with us and they were a married gay couple. He treated them completely normal and with respect and showed no sign of homophobia. This actually shocked me given the homophobic attitude this guy will sometimes have.
Has anybody ever known anybody like this?
Yup. Nearly all bigots are this way. Its what I call the "n-word you know" syndrome.
EG - Gays are horrible awful people who should be shunned, rejected, maybe even killed. Except this gay guy I know right here is an exception. But all the other gay people are Bad and deserving of your vitriol.
Its really common in the deep south for even the most obvious flaming racists to have black "friends" who seem to be accepted, but to still spill hatred all over the entire African "race" as a whole.
Its how they get away in their own consciousness with justifying their (totally unjustifiable) bigotry - "THIS n-word is a fine fellow, if only all the other n-words were like him it would be great." Their seeming acceptance of "the n-word I know" gives the bigot in question protection from the idea of their own bigotry, because obviously they don't hate ALL n-words, just all the OTHER n-words.
They're still bigots. They just make a few exceptions to the targets of their hatred, usually because their whatever-minority "friend" is so patently not someone to whom they can apply stereotypical excuses for hatred. It's the "some of my best friends are ..." paradigm at work.
Sorry, but having "2 or 3" gay friends DOES NOT mean its impossible to be a bigot - homophobia is homophobia, even if you "tolerate" specific individuals who are gay. You don't get a pass on your bigotry just because you make a few exceptions to your Rule of Hatred.
People often say bigoted things without really meaning them. Especially when they are younger & looking for cheap jokes at directed at the groups of people they don't think are present in their current company.
I am half-Jewish but don't look Jewish at all (blond, high cheekbones) and I have heard far more Jewish jokes - sometimes quite nasty - than I care to remember, often from people who I know well who have many Jewish friends and genuinely like them. I'd say only a small percentage of these people are really Anti-Semitic, the vast majority just say things they don't really mean.
And this kind of attitude is far more widespread when talking about gay people. At least for the people raised in the 70s, 80s and 90s. Again, they are not necessarily anti-gay, but they grew up when gay jokes were still culturally accepted.
I have a good friend who is atheist and somewhat homophobic. I am gay but in the closet and I doubt he even suspects that I might be gay. Sometimes in our conversations, he can get really homophobic and since he is atheist, it isn't a religious thing to him but more the fact he places a very high value on masculinity and thinks "gays are icky." I personally thing he may not be super comfortable with his own sexuality as he is one of those people that becomes extremely uncomfortable in a situation where someone might question his sexuality.
However, I was surprised a few nights ago we were hanging out and he invited some friends over to hang out with us and they were a married gay couple. He treated them completely normal and with respect and showed no sign of homophobia. This actually shocked me given the homophobic attitude this guy will sometimes have.
Has anybody ever known anybody like this?
Yes, and they were gay. As we found out, much much later, when they finally admitted it to themselves.
People often say bigoted things without really meaning them. Especially when they are younger & looking for cheap jokes at directed at the groups of people they don't think are present in their current company.
I disagree, people often say bigoted things because they really mean them. Their comments are usually a reflection of how they really feel deep down inside. They may have respect for someone that they personally know who just happens to be gay, black, etc. But, that does not mean that they don't feel animosity in general towards others who are like that person.
I disagree, people often say bigoted things because they really mean them. Their comments are usually a reflection of how they really feel deep down inside. They may have respect for someone that they personally know who just happens to be gay, black, etc. But, that does not mean that they don't feel animosity in general towards others who are like that person.
I've said a few homophobic jokes back when I was in my teens (that's 80s when the homophobia was still very prevalent). Yet I was never anti-gay and never understood why their lifestyle is anyone's business but their own. When you're young and stupid and want cheap laughs and don't think that your jokes would be heard by anyone they denigrate, you often do stupid things. Perhaps it's different now that the kids are being bombarded with PC from an early age.
Sure, people say bigoted things because they mean them, too. They say them for a whole variety of reasons.
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