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I am not looking forward to Christmas this year at all.
You are not the only one. I live with my sister. We are both in our 60's. Both of our parents passed away between 1998 and 2002, and what few relatives we had left have also died or scattered to the wind. I have a son and four grandchildren. Every year he expects us to spend Christmas Eve night with them--and as much as I hate to say it, we dread it. We are are so uncomfortable there that we literally cannot wait to get out of there and come home. Besides there being no comfortable place for us to sleep (we have to sleep on the sofas), the kids and DIL either have their noses stuck in their I-Phones or are consumed with opening gifts. We might as well not even be there. I don't dare tell my son we don't want to come, as it means so much to him for us to be there for Christmas. Plus, it does not help that my sister and I stopped celebrating Christmas five years ago---not because we wanted to, but because the money just isn't there, anymore to do it with. It takes every dime of our social security and her small pension check to make ends meet, and we feel bad that we have to show up at my son's house every year empty-handed. It's just a bummer all the way around. =(
This year is the first year I will not be hosting Christmas Eve. Only a small group of us but it's something I've been doing for years. I have no interest in cooking, cleaning up a mess or having a house full of people. I just don't care, about any of it. I'm disconnected from the holiday and look forward to moving on into spring.
My most unfavorite chore of Christmas time? Writing and sending cards. I've cut my list WAY down, but there are a few that I just have to send to.
My second most unfavorite chore? Wrapping presents. I heave a sigh of relief when they are all done. I use bags a lot instead of wrapping paper, but it's still a PIA!
I like Christmas ok as long as I have to "DO" it. We take turns between my family doing the meal on Christmas Day, and my hubby's family doing the meal for Christmas Eve.
I enjoy it the most when I don't have to cook the turkey and all the trimmings. I just find it exhausting and when I sit down for the meal, half the time I'm not even hungry because I've been smelling the turkey all day.
I'm just glad when the door closes for the last time as the company is leaving, and the dishes are all put away for my next turn.
You are not the only one. I live with my sister. We are both in our 60's. Both of our parents passed away between 1998 and 2002, and what few relatives we had left have also died or scattered to the wind. I have a son and four grandchildren. Every year he expects us to spend Christmas Eve night with them--and as much as I hate to say it, we dread it. We are are so uncomfortable there that we literally cannot wait to get out of there and come home. Besides there being no comfortable place for us to sleep (we have to sleep on the sofas), the kids and DIL either have their noses stuck in their I-Phones or are consumed with opening gifts. We might as well not even be there. I don't dare tell my son we don't want to come, as it means so much to him for us to be there for Christmas. Plus, it does not help that my sister and I stopped celebrating Christmas five years ago---not because we wanted to, but because the money just isn't there, anymore to do it with. It takes every dime of our social security and her small pension check to make ends meet, and we feel bad that we have to show up at my son's house every year empty-handed. It's just a bummer all the way around. =(
Why don't you surprise your family this year?
Surely between you and your sister, you can afford a plate of appetizers or small tray of cookies either store bought or home baked?
And for your son and his wife, you can go to the dollar store, buy a vase and a few dried flowers, tie a red bow around it and give it to them.
Another idea, find something at your local second hand store that you can clean up and stick a bow onto... they'd never know it wasn't new if it's not marked up/ broken/chipped/stained.
I think it will make you feel better giving just a little "something" instead of walking though the door empty handed. It isn't the cost that counts, it's the caring enough to give them even something small.
I have always loved Christmas and still do but am alone now as well. I try to find the little things that make me smile about the Christmas season and indulge in those - a smaller tree and only one, a wreath or two, and definitely lights (at least inside - I cannot climb up a 2 storey house to put them up outside nor do I want to it in September because I live in a place where it may be too cold or snowy to do it later than that). Music, a few holiday movies, something warm to drink, and my memories of Christmases past. I have found that is all I truly 'need' to continue celebrating the Christmas season.
One thing I think that helped me even when the season was at its busiest in days of yesteryear (I always hosted too - sometimes cramming 12-13 people into a 3 bedroom house for a week in extremely unkind weather - once even the power was out for a few days during that period and we cooked a turkey in the charcoal barbeque on the deck), was that those days were spent in Canada so Thanksgiving was not also piled on top of it all within a few weeks of Christmas. Thanksgiving in Canada is early in October so there is time to recover. It also used to be the case that Christmas shopping season didn't start till December either so the season was shorter .. perhaps busier for a few weeks but overall imposed less stress I think. Of course, there is always some family drama too .. and it never seems to rain but it pours some years.
I think if I were in the same position as you are, OP, I would probably have done more or less what you did too - even though it might have been better long term to make the changes more gradual (at least, as you have found out, as far as at least some of your children are concerned when it comes to the menu, etc.). Hang in there - try to enjoy what they have offered .. that you go to their place and let them try to replicate what you have been doing. You are lucky they suggested that though I definitely understand your own feeling of 'loss'. But, consider that you have passed on a tradition successfully too! And that your kids obviously LOVED what you did for so many years that they want to carry it on. And they love you enough to want to take what they see now as a 'burden' for you off your shoulders - and perhaps they misinterpreted why you decided to go from fully festive/all the fixin's to cioppino in one fell swoop, but they mean well.
If you are feeling lost and left out, spend some time thinking of something YOU can make and take so you will feel better about at least contributing to it all. You can ask if that is something they want you to do or you can just 'do it' so you don't feel you have totally lost 'control'.
It won't be 'the same' but there will be elements that will make you feel 'at home' (even if you are not at 'home' at their place). It is a good transition if you want to look at it that way.
I do hope your spirits lift soon. Pamper yourself for a few days. Make some cookies or something that 'means Christmas to you', look at the lights, put on some Christmas music, remember all the Christmases past - but not with sadness if possible, just savour the time for a change instead of 'busying yourself' so much. Next year will be easier. You are lucky to have a great family.
I have always loved Christmas and still do but am alone now as well. I try to find the little things that make me smile about the Christmas season and indulge in those - a smaller tree and only one, a wreath or two, and definitely lights (at least inside - I cannot climb up a 2 storey house to put them up outside nor do I want to it in September because I live in a place where it may be too cold or snowy to do it later than that). Music, a few holiday movies, something warm to drink, and my memories of Christmases past. I have found that is all I truly 'need' to continue celebrating the Christmas season.
One thing I think that helped me even when the season was at its busiest in days of yesteryear (I always hosted too - sometimes cramming 12-13 people into a 3 bedroom house for a week in extremely unkind weather - once even the power was out for a few days during that period and we cooked a turkey in the charcoal barbeque on the deck), was that those days were spent in Canada so Thanksgiving was not also piled on top of it all within a few weeks of Christmas. Thanksgiving in Canada is early in October so there is time to recover. It also used to be the case that Christmas shopping season didn't start till December either so the season was shorter .. perhaps busier for a few weeks but overall imposed less stress I think. Of course, there is always some family drama too .. and it never seems to rain but it pours some years.
I think if I were in the same position as you are, OP, I would probably have done more or less what you did too - even though it might have been better long term to make the changes more gradual (at least, as you have found out, as far as at least some of your children are concerned when it comes to the menu, etc.). Hang in there - try to enjoy what they have offered .. that you go to their place and let them try to replicate what you have been doing. You are lucky they suggested that though I definitely understand your own feeling of 'loss'. But, consider that you have passed on a tradition successfully too! And that your kids obviously LOVED what you did for so many years that they want to carry it on. And they love you enough to want to take what they see now as a 'burden' for you off your shoulders - and perhaps they misinterpreted why you decided to go from fully festive/all the fixin's to cioppino in one fell swoop, but they mean well.
If you are feeling lost and left out, spend some time thinking of something YOU can make and take so you will feel better about at least contributing to it all. You can ask if that is something they want you to do or you can just 'do it' so you don't feel you have totally lost 'control'.
It won't be 'the same' but there will be elements that will make you feel 'at home' (even if you are not at 'home' at their place). It is a good transition if you want to look at it that way.
I do hope your spirits lift soon. Pamper yourself for a few days. Make some cookies or something that 'means Christmas to you', look at the lights, put on some Christmas music, remember all the Christmases past - but not with sadness if possible, just savour the time for a change instead of 'busying yourself' so much. Next year will be easier. You are lucky to have a great family.
I can't believe how much support I've gotten from all of you, and how many of you really were able to relate to what I'm going through. I seriously appreciate everybody's comments.
There is something I always try (but often fail) to remember when I'm struggling to deal with problems like this one. A number of years ago, my dad was going through some really significant health problems and was in and out of the hospital fifteen times in two years. Although he actually ended up having two relatively good years following the two bad ones, those bad ones took a toll, not only on him, but on all of us who loved him. Anyway, at that time, I was working at a job I absolutely hated. I was always the first one in the office in the morning, and sitting there alone in silence, I often thought about how crappy my life was. One morning as I was there alone, feeling sorry for myself, the phone rang. It was my mother. She told me that she'd had to call an ambulance at 4:00 A.M. to take my dad to the hospital, and that they didn't know yet whether he was going to pull through or not. That was really a wake-up call for me. I remember thinking, "If I could just turn the clock back 24 hours, I'd be so happy. If my dad weren't sick and perhaps dying and the biggest problem I had was a job that sucked, I'd be totally satisfied with my life."
A year or so ago, I saw a billboard advertising insurance of some kind. It said, "You never know when the day before is the day before." That sentence spoke to me like nothing ever had before. I didn't buy the insurance but whenever I start feeling like I've been feeling this past week, I remind myself of that experience I had when I thought I was going to lose my dad, and how that close call put everything into perspective for me. So, having read everybody's posts, and having had time to stop and look at the larger picture, I have finally gotten to the point where I can remind myself, "You never know when the day before is the day before. If Matt or one of your kids were to die in an automobile accident tomorrow, you'd do anything in the world to just be able to go back to your lousy Christmas blues. You have everything that truly matters. To hell with your pity party."
I know I'm going to have to work to keep reminding myself of that, but I'm going to try. Again, I appreciate all of your posts.
I would suggest that it is not just getting old but also being the driving force behind the festivities is part of your identity, and you're losing that part of your identity now. It is that way with any loss.
Your child's fondness for the traditional foods could just as well be taken as a positive. You created a tradition that the kids value and would miss and they care enough about that to take it over. They simply missed the cue that you weren't ready just yet to let go of hosting the event. It is understandable. They think they are being kind, and actually, they are. They want you to come over and want to wait on you, after all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
I also think that it is your menu is the one your kids want. It sounds like they still want to get together as a family. That's a good thing! And you are responsible for that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aery11
Hang in there - try to enjoy what they have offered .. that you go to their place and let them try to replicate what you have been doing. You are lucky they suggested that though I definitely understand your own feeling of 'loss'. But, consider that you have passed on a tradition successfully too! And that your kids obviously LOVED what you did for so many years that they want to carry it on. And they love you enough to want to take what they see now as a 'burden' for you off your shoulders - and perhaps they misinterpreted why you decided to go from fully festive/all the fixin's to cioppino in one fell swoop, but they mean well.
Mordant, Silibran, and Aery, it hadn't even occurred to me to look at it from this perspective. Thank you for pointing that out!
I think most people feel this when kids grow up and you age - the traditions become more cumbersome and less exciting. All I say is just embrace the change and try some new things - don't worry about not doing things you don't want to do. Instead, think about doing something you will enjoy, whether it is traditional or not. Sounds like kids are willing to step up and continue traditions in a new way, so that's good, too.
Where Christmas should be a time of joy and reflection, for many it's a time to realize that time is marching on without us, that many of our loved ones are gone and some of us are truly alone. Traditions are lost, some for the better, some not and we feel lost. Our kids or grandkids stop believing in Santa Claus. The gifts keep getting more expensive, the meals more elaborate.
I would love to go back to the days when things were simpler; people got one small meaningful gift and we didn't stress ourselves out trying to make everything perfect.
I decided since it is just me this year to only put up my manger, a wreath on the front door and a 2 foot tall Christmas tree. Christmas Eve we have dinner at my sisters which I hate and then I will be home by 10 p.m. Christmas morning I will sing Happy Birthday to Jesus when I wake up, then invite one of my older neighbors to come with to my mother's and we will have a simple meal.
It's the memories of Christmas' past that make us sad. For me it's being a widow; this will be my 7th year without my husband. For people who suffer with depression Christmas can be a very sad and lonely time. We expect too much because of what we think Christmas should be. Let's be thankful for what we do have, no matter how little. I read somewhere that if you had a meal today and slept inside in your bed that you are better off than 75% of the world's population. Kind of puts it all into perspective, at least for me.
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And that your kids obviously LOVED what you did for so many years that they want to carry it on. And they love you enough to want to take what they see now as a 'burden' for you off your shoulders - and perhaps they misinterpreted why you decided to go from fully festive/all the fixin's to cioppino in one fell swoop, but they mean well. 
but whenever I start feeling like I've been feeling this past week, I remind myself of that experience I had when I thought I was going to lose my dad, and how that close call put everything into perspective for me. So, having read everybody's posts, and having had time to stop and look at the larger picture, I have finally gotten to the point where I can remind myself, "You never know when the day before is the day before. If Matt or one of your kids were to die in an automobile accident tomorrow, you'd do anything in the world to just be able to go back to your lousy Christmas blues. You have everything that truly matters. To hell with your pity party." 
