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I have been "doing Christmas" for 46 years now. During the past 30 or so years, I have put up so many decorations that it has taken me six days to decorate and three to un-decorate when it's all over. I have cooked a Christmas dinner for ten people for so many years. I'm about the farthest thing in the world from Martha Stewart, but I give it my best shot. Our Christmas dinners have always been formal. We use our fine china, crystal and silverware. I have a beautiful centerpiece with candles and the works. I cook beef tenderloin and Yorkshire pudding, which is an old family tradition. I'm not a natural cook or hostess and the whole Christmas dinner thing has always been immensely stressful for me. Unfortunately, my stress is evident, as hard as I try to appear relaxed.
I generally start decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving. We aren't big entertainers, so nobody really sees our house all decorated to the hilt until Christmas night when my kids and their significant others and my sister, brother-in-law and sons come over. This is a total of eight guests, basically none of whom ever comment on the tremendous amount of work I've put into decorating, setting a beautiful table or cooking. They come, they eat, they visit for a short while and they go. I clean up the mess and fall into bed exhausted. A week later, I spend three days packing everything up and we carry it all out to the garage where we store it until the next year.
Sounds to me like your real issue is that you're feeling unappreciated. Like "if I stop doing Christmas, everyone will notice how much I've been doing all along." Which is fine and a perfectly human reaction, but to me that really means that you've been "doing Christmas" for the wrong reasons all along. You can do something because you like doing it or because you want other people to appreciate you for doing it. It sounds like it's been more of an "obligation" for you than something you wanted to do.
Sounds to me like your real issue is that you're feeling unappreciated. Like "if I stop doing Christmas, everyone will notice how much I've been doing all along." Which is fine and a perfectly human reaction, but to me that really means that you've been "doing Christmas" for the wrong reasons all along. You can do something because you like doing it or because you want other people to appreciate you for doing it. It sounds like it's been more of an "obligation" for you than something you wanted to do.
It definitely didn't start out as an obligation. It started out as something I looked forward to doing all year long. It has, however, kind of turned into an obligation, and that's why I'm finally taking steps to make it easier on myself. And yes, I do feel unappreciated. I think it's also that, at least in some things (definitely not everything), I am kind of a perfectionist. I set my standards way, way too high, and if I can't set a table or decorate a Christmas tree or cook a gourmet dinner that looks like it came straight out of Better Homes and Gardens, I feel as if I've failed. So every year, I keep trying. I keep thinking, "This year, it's all going to be perfect, and not only is it going to be perfect, I am going to be perfect -- not rushed, not frustrated, not forgetting anything and appearing totally relaxed and at ease." When I talked to my daughter the other day, she was totally in favor of my simplifying the whole thing. She said, "Every year, you end up in your bedroom in tears." Well, the crazy thing is that since she and her brother have been grown and out of the house (over 15 years now), I have ended up in my bedroom in tears exactly once! And wouldn't you know it -- that's the year she remembers and in her mind it has turned into "every year." I feel compelled -- not by anyone else even, but by something in my own head -- to do it all and to do it perfectly. I recognize this, but it's still hard to change.
Also, on another topic, don't pressure them for Grandkids. My mother did that to me and it was annoying.
Trust me, I won't. My husband and I postponed having kids until we'd been married 8 1/2 years, and not once during that time did my mom mention not having grandkids. She was thrilled to be a grandma when it finally happened, but she respected my husband's and my timetable. (Actually, I'd be happy if my kids would just get married. It's hard enough not to pressure them to do that! )
It definitely didn't start out as an obligation. It started out as something I looked forward to doing all year long. It has, however, kind of turned into an obligation, and that's why I'm finally taking steps to make it easier on myself. And yes, I do feel unappreciated. I think it's also that, at least in some things (definitely not everything), I am kind of a perfectionist. I set my standards way, way too high, and if I can't set a table or decorate a Christmas tree or cook a gourmet dinner that looks like it came straight out of Better Homes and Gardens, I feel as if I've failed. So every year, I keep trying. I keep thinking, "This year, it's all going to be perfect, and not only is it going to be perfect, I am going to be perfect -- not rushed, not frustrated, not forgetting anything and appearing totally relaxed and at ease." When I talked to my daughter the other day, she was totally in favor of my simplifying the whole thing. She said, "Every year, you end up in your bedroom in tears." Well, the crazy thing is that since she and her brother have been grown and out of the house (over 15 years now), I have ended up in my bedroom in tears exactly once! And wouldn't you know it -- that's the year she remembers and in her mind it has turned into "every year." I feel compelled -- not by anyone else even, but by something in my own head -- to do it all and to do it perfectly. I recognize this, but it's still hard to change.
Oh these people, they wear me out.
In their defense, I think what they imagine becomes reality in their minds. And there is an element of truth to what they imagine, even though what they describe doesn't actually happen. For instance, your daughter FEELS your tension every year, so in her mind it morphs into you crying in your room every year, and the memory is real even though it was just from that one year.
My daughter thinks that way. She has always had an issue with separating her imaginary, emotional world from reality. So things tend to get very exaggerated in her mind and she can even come up with scenarios that didn't happen, that I swear she would get up on a stand in court and swear on a bible they happened - and mean it.
She told another sibling this elaborate story about her coming over to my house once and telling me that they didn't have enough money to pay their electric bill, and me saying, "Oh, that's too bad - hey, look at the new rug I just got for the living room!" THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. But what HAD happened was that they were really struggling financially one month and could not pay their electric bill on time, and she knew this when she came over - but did not share this with me and I had no idea this was going on. And while she was over, I did say, "Look at the new rug I just found for the living room!" In her mind, she FELT LIKE I didn't care and was insensitive, and it morphed into this false memory thing. The thing is - she didn't tell me they were struggling to pay their electric bill that month. If she HAD told me that, the whole day would have been different. As it was, she kept it to herself but walked around my house all day getting madder and madder, and of course I knew she was mad about SOMETHING but once again - who knows what it could be. And if I had said, "Hey - you seem upset about something - what's wrong?" she would have said, "Nothing." Ask me how I know that. Until she finally blew up, and by then her blow up would be accompanied by stories such as the one above, and then when I said, "But that didn't happen," she would say, "GO ON, MOM - YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT - GO AHEAD AND BE RIGHT AGAIN."
The whole walking on eggshells thing again.
Katz, these people - I don't know what to do with them. I am seriously thinking about going to get some counseling - not because I think I'm emotionally unstable, but I need some help figuring out how to communicate with people who think so differently from me - people I love and care deeply for - but people who still need boundaries. For instance, it's not OK for our daughters to think these imaginary happenings are REAL but how can we live with them and around them and love them in an open and honest way, without them feeling like we are invalidating their emotions?
I think the problem is more of letting go of something you felt was important at one time. Maybe holding the family together by your holiday traditions.
Now that you have decided to not practice them anymore, you may feel a bit uneasy of letting go.
It definitely didn't start out as an obligation. It started out as something I looked forward to doing all year long. It has, however, kind of turned into an obligation, and that's why I'm finally taking steps to make it easier on myself. And yes, I do feel unappreciated. I think it's also that, at least in some things (definitely not everything), I am kind of a perfectionist. I set my standards way, way too high, and if I can't set a table or decorate a Christmas tree or cook a gourmet dinner that looks like it came straight out of Better Homes and Gardens, I feel as if I've failed. So every year, I keep trying. I keep thinking, "This year, it's all going to be perfect, and not only is it going to be perfect, I am going to be perfect -- not rushed, not frustrated, not forgetting anything and appearing totally relaxed and at ease." When I talked to my daughter the other day, she was totally in favor of my simplifying the whole thing. She said, "Every year, you end up in your bedroom in tears." Well, the crazy thing is that since she and her brother have been grown and out of the house (over 15 years now), I have ended up in my bedroom in tears exactly once! And wouldn't you know it -- that's the year she remembers and in her mind it has turned into "every year." I feel compelled -- not by anyone else even, but by something in my own head -- to do it all and to do it perfectly. I recognize this, but it's still hard to change.
Hmmm. That's very telling. For you, it was a magazine moment, not a family get together. A time for compliments to you, for oohs and ahhs-all for you. Hmmmm. I think you are missing what we all love about MOMS! They are NOT Martha Stewart! Moms do their best but fail, sometimes have chubby arms to hug you, have bad hair days, wear those stupid Mom outfits, don't know how to repair anything. Moms are infruriating! And we love 'em beyond words!
My Mom made what she made....and that was it. We either ate it or not, liked it or not. She had 5 kids. Piccadillos and special requests weren't allowed. You went with the flow. (Except the one boy...he got special privileges.)
You perfectionism reminds me of something I read in a book once. Someone put up two booths selling pies. One booth had a sign that read "PIES LIKE MOM MADE." The other booth had a sign that read "PIES LIKE MOM TRIED TO MAKE BUT COULDN'T." The pies in the second booth sold out way before the first. In other words, Moms don't make perfect pies. Perfectionism is not what's important about Mom's pies.
Hmmm. That's very telling. For you, it was a magazine moment, not a family get together. A time for compliments to you, for oohs and ahhs-all for you. Hmmmm. I think you are missing what we all love about MOMS! They are NOT Martha Stewart! Moms do their best but fail, sometimes have chubby arms to hug you, have bad hair days, wear those stupid Mom outfits, don't know how to repair anything. Moms are infruriating! And we love 'em beyond words!
My Mom made what she made....and that was it. We either ate it or not, liked it or not. She had 5 kids. Piccadillos and special requests weren't allowed. You went with the flow. (Except the one boy...he got special privileges.)
You perfectionism reminds me of something I read in a book once. Someone put up two booths selling pies. One booth had a sign that read "PIES LIKE MOM MADE." The other booth had a sign that read "PIES LIKE MOM TRIED TO MAKE BUT COULDN'T." The pies in the second booth sold out way before the first. In other words, Moms don't make perfect pies. Perfectionism is not what's important about Mom's pies.
There's no perfectionism in Momsville!
Well thank you for making me feel better and worse at the same time. That takes real talent.
Well thank you for making me feel better and worse at the same time. That takes real talent.
While I agree the post was a little heavy-handed, it does illustrate something useful.
Kids pick up on the vibe a parent is putting out, not just at an early age but throughout their lives. And more generically, people pick up on the vibe a host puts out.
In my case, the Christmas traditions at the in-laws have been going on so long that as an outsider I can see some dynamics popping up. The FIL/MIL are simply tired, and show some resentment for not getting enough help putting on the show...a show that they insist has to happen. Has to happen even though another thing I observe is that the BIL/SIL and their children are not terribly into it anymore either. BIL/SIL are legitimately too busy with their own families and lives to be able to help FIL/MIL in significant ways BUT their behavior is also a bit borne out of a bubbling resentment for being dragged into the same old same old.
So FIL/MIL/BIL/SIL will continue to dance this dance in lockstep, probably, frankly, until there's a death.
While I agree the post was a little heavy-handed, it does illustrate something useful.
Kids pick up on the vibe a parent is putting out, not just at an early age but throughout their lives. And more generically, people pick up on the vibe a host puts out.
You are absolutely right, which is why I make every effort to make the whole thing appear effortless.
I work hard at holiday dinners too. I think I came by that because of the attitude of my mom, who did the same. It is about making memories. I don't think this is a bad thing.
You and I probably feel that if it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.
It sounds as if you have come by some useful insight. I hope you enjoy NOT having to do it all this year.
Merry Christmas!
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