How much do romantic relationships affect who you are? (therapy, boyfriend, dating)
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So a bunch of you have read posts about my screwed up relationship with my mother. About a year ago she started dating a wonderful man - he is kind, generous and unfailingly good-natured. She is head over heels for the guy. And it's kind of like she's a changed person.
I stayed with my father for the month of December due to his growing senility, but have had many interactions with my mother during my stay. She has been unfailing cheerful and supportive, and she even gave me better gifts this year. I'm 40, and I shouldn't care about Christmas gifts, but she actually gave me stuff I would use rather than stuff she liked, and even got my dogs some trinkets. Although I had to give her a political smackdown on facebook earlier this year when she tried to start something (being nasty rather than inviting actual debate), she did not bring up politics the entire visit either.
I didn't confront her about the repressed memory that bubbled up earlier this year - still not sure what I should do with that and going to consult a shrink first.
But it was a relatively low-stress holiday this year, and I think it was due to my mother's boyfriend (who was only present for part of the festivities). Even friends of hers have commented to me that she is a changed person and that they LIKE the new her.
So what's going on? Will this go away if the relationship ends? I have never thought of relationships as changing people in this way. A close relative of mine went through a major change after meeting the woman who is now his wife, but the changes he made were ones he knew he had to make before he met her, so I don't think it's the same thing.
That's called being in love...the change you see is that she's happy. I don't think she has changed, she's just walking on clouds right now because she's in love.
I'm wondering how long this "halo effect" will last, and whether he will eventually see the real her behind it. I don't recall the details of your mom's character, but I'm assuming from your few comments here--narcissism, or some other personality disorder. You'd think eventually that would come through; I don't think something like that can just vanish, *poof* just like that. Maybe after the "honeymoon period" is over in this courtship, however far it goes?
I'm wondering how long this "halo effect" will last, and whether he will eventually see the real her behind it. I don't recall the details of your mom's character, but I'm assuming from your few comments here--narcissism, or some other personality disorder. You'd think eventually that would come through; I don't think something like that can just vanish, *poof* just like that. Maybe after the "honeymoon period" is over in this courtship, however far it goes?
I hope it lasts. It's kind of like having a normal mom right now. I feel relaxed and comfortable around her for once.
I believe I'm a much better person when my wife is around. I have more patience and tolerance for the things I do (or don't). I guess I just feel more relaxed and centered.
So a bunch of you have read posts about my screwed up relationship with my mother. About a year ago she started dating a wonderful man - he is kind, generous and unfailingly good-natured. She is head over heels for the guy. And it's kind of like she's a changed person.
Yes, being around certain others can have quite and impact upon some of us - FOR A TIME. And then the deeper, earlier programing and conditioning begins to creep back in as we relax back into our old habits and behaviors again.
But it was a relatively low-stress holiday this year, and I think it was due to my mother's boyfriend (who was only present for part of the festivities). Even friends of hers have commented to me that she is a changed person and that they LIKE the new her.
My 2nd wife's sisters were very happy at how good my late wife "looked" after we had been together for a while and she "changed" for the better!
So what's going on? Will this go away if the relationship ends? I have never thought of relationships as changing people in this way. A close relative of mine went through a major change after meeting the woman who is now his wife, but the changes he made were ones he knew he had to make before he met her, so I don't think it's the same thing.
Thoughts from the C-D crowd?
I changed a lot under the sway of a few folks in my life BUT my earlier programming and conditioning came right back up so I was finally forced to get into therapy and support groups to effect any long lasting or permanent changes in my beliefs and behaviors.
I don't see any way around it other than some kind of miraculous Spiritual Awakening where a person suddenly becomes GOD LIKE. I had to do the hard work of undoing old patterns and enacting new ones in their place so, all the good and beneficial effects that came from healthier others came and went like water under a bridge.
Whenever I felt "good", I believed it would now last for ever more but, alas, it didn't! All I had was a dim memory of how wonderful I felt and behaved - for a brief moment!
They're called "glimpses" by Sages and I've had dozens of them so perhaps it will become permanent the next time or perhaps THIS IS IT and I'd better accept it just as it is. OK, I will! This is good enough for me RIGHT NOW!
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