Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 12-27-2016, 07:26 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,320,068 times
Reputation: 43047

Advertisements

So a bunch of you have read posts about my screwed up relationship with my mother. About a year ago she started dating a wonderful man - he is kind, generous and unfailingly good-natured. She is head over heels for the guy. And it's kind of like she's a changed person.

I stayed with my father for the month of December due to his growing senility, but have had many interactions with my mother during my stay. She has been unfailing cheerful and supportive, and she even gave me better gifts this year. I'm 40, and I shouldn't care about Christmas gifts, but she actually gave me stuff I would use rather than stuff she liked, and even got my dogs some trinkets. Although I had to give her a political smackdown on facebook earlier this year when she tried to start something (being nasty rather than inviting actual debate), she did not bring up politics the entire visit either.

I didn't confront her about the repressed memory that bubbled up earlier this year - still not sure what I should do with that and going to consult a shrink first.

But it was a relatively low-stress holiday this year, and I think it was due to my mother's boyfriend (who was only present for part of the festivities). Even friends of hers have commented to me that she is a changed person and that they LIKE the new her.

So what's going on? Will this go away if the relationship ends? I have never thought of relationships as changing people in this way. A close relative of mine went through a major change after meeting the woman who is now his wife, but the changes he made were ones he knew he had to make before he met her, so I don't think it's the same thing.

Thoughts from the C-D crowd?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-27-2016, 08:11 AM
 
50,489 posts, read 36,126,975 times
Reputation: 76359
That's called being in love...the change you see is that she's happy. I don't think she has changed, she's just walking on clouds right now because she's in love.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-27-2016, 11:51 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
I'm wondering how long this "halo effect" will last, and whether he will eventually see the real her behind it. I don't recall the details of your mom's character, but I'm assuming from your few comments here--narcissism, or some other personality disorder. You'd think eventually that would come through; I don't think something like that can just vanish, *poof* just like that. Maybe after the "honeymoon period" is over in this courtship, however far it goes?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-28-2016, 06:14 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,320,068 times
Reputation: 43047
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I'm wondering how long this "halo effect" will last, and whether he will eventually see the real her behind it. I don't recall the details of your mom's character, but I'm assuming from your few comments here--narcissism, or some other personality disorder. You'd think eventually that would come through; I don't think something like that can just vanish, *poof* just like that. Maybe after the "honeymoon period" is over in this courtship, however far it goes?
I hope it lasts. It's kind of like having a normal mom right now. I feel relaxed and comfortable around her for once.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-28-2016, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina
2,148 posts, read 1,690,187 times
Reputation: 4186
I believe I'm a much better person when my wife is around. I have more patience and tolerance for the things I do (or don't). I guess I just feel more relaxed and centered.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-28-2016, 07:44 PM
 
5,198 posts, read 5,263,657 times
Reputation: 13249
Love does crazy things to our hormones. As someone mentioned, she is in the 'honeymoon stage'.

I hate to break it to you, but mom is who she is. We all go through that puppy love stage when we are happy and
life is wonderful.

Hormones.

Once things settle, she will return to her baseline, whatever that is.

Prepare yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-29-2016, 12:50 AM
 
Location: encino, CA
866 posts, read 627,268 times
Reputation: 1157
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
So a bunch of you have read posts about my screwed up relationship with my mother. About a year ago she started dating a wonderful man - he is kind, generous and unfailingly good-natured. She is head over heels for the guy. And it's kind of like she's a changed person.
Yes, being around certain others can have quite and impact upon some of us - FOR A TIME. And then the deeper, earlier programing and conditioning begins to creep back in as we relax back into our old habits and behaviors again.

But it was a relatively low-stress holiday this year, and I think it was due to my mother's boyfriend (who was only present for part of the festivities). Even friends of hers have commented to me that she is a changed person and that they LIKE the new her.
My 2nd wife's sisters were very happy at how good my late wife "looked" after we had been together for a while and she "changed" for the better!

So what's going on? Will this go away if the relationship ends? I have never thought of relationships as changing people in this way. A close relative of mine went through a major change after meeting the woman who is now his wife, but the changes he made were ones he knew he had to make before he met her, so I don't think it's the same thing.

Thoughts from the C-D crowd?
I changed a lot under the sway of a few folks in my life BUT my earlier programming and conditioning came right back up so I was finally forced to get into therapy and support groups to effect any long lasting or permanent changes in my beliefs and behaviors.
I don't see any way around it other than some kind of miraculous Spiritual Awakening where a person suddenly becomes GOD LIKE. I had to do the hard work of undoing old patterns and enacting new ones in their place so, all the good and beneficial effects that came from healthier others came and went like water under a bridge.
Whenever I felt "good", I believed it would now last for ever more but, alas, it didn't! All I had was a dim memory of how wonderful I felt and behaved - for a brief moment!
They're called "glimpses" by Sages and I've had dozens of them so perhaps it will become permanent the next time or perhaps THIS IS IT and I'd better accept it just as it is. OK, I will! This is good enough for me RIGHT NOW!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:10 PM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top