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I am from the Netherlands and I've been following this site now, especially the topics regarding love. I am 22 years old and at the moment I am under therapy for what I call obsessive love. I met a girl, best friend of my sister, a few years ago and untill today I still have feelings for her, despite not talking too her often. In the beginning of our contact, we would chat everyday about everything and during that time she had broke up with her ex. She was the first girl who I really felt connected with. But it soon turned out to be a obsession which lasts two years now. Back then she would constantly go back to her ex and during the period she also contacted me. We didn't kissed or had sex, only date for a few times. She also felt the connection, but I would constantly get angry and jealous, because she had contact with her ex boyfriend. Eventually, her decision was to have no contact, because it would get too drama and my sister also had to intervene a couple of times during our contact, because it escalated. This was six months ago, untill now, I still have feelings of obsession and I think constantly about her. A month after June she began dating a guy who she refers to as a 'friend'. My obsession led me to sent her a message yesterday asking whether it is her boyfriend or her friend, I become extremely insecure and jealous. She always told me how difficult she found it to open herself up to men and that she found it difficult to date me because I reminded her of her ex, who was also jealous and possesive, but clearly it isn't that difficult for her to date guys now.
I feel anxious and insecure and I am desperate for her message. Does anyone ever felt this way? From my therapist I heard that is due to childhood trauma, I am in the pre-session, the real therapy begins in June this year. About a few days I am going to study in the USA for six months, so I am not going to receive therapy then.
I just don't see myself getting over her, I read so many books, but still I didn't help me.
Perhaps insights how to overcome this?
Thank you in advance.
What you are describing is not unheard of, but it is not normal either.
My guess is that even if you would attempt a relationship with a different woman and were successful, you would simply transfer the obsession to a new object. "Wherever you go, there you are".
Women are not totemic objects for you to possess. Pursue the therapy at your first opportunity. You definitely need it. In the meantime avoid contact with women. You serve neither yourself nor them until such time as you are able to pursue relationships on a healthy basis.
What you are describing is not unheard of, but it is not normal either.
My guess is that even if you would attempt a relationship with a different woman and were successful, you would simply transfer the obsession to a new object. "Wherever you go, there you are".
Women are not totemic objects for you to possess. Pursue the therapy at your first opportunity. You definitely need it. In the meantime avoid contact with women. You serve neither yourself nor them until such time as you are able to pursue relationships on a healthy basis.
Great response. Today I had an advise appointment with my therapist, she said the same thing. What I have is also a pattern over the couple 6/7 years. At one time, I was dating two women and whenever one didn't want me I would have a obsession and I would also switch obsession from the one to the other woman. I also have told myself not to pursue any relationships with woman, although they would be the most attractive.
''Wherever you go, there you are'' is a very good quote to know.
From my therapist I heard that is due to childhood trauma, I am in the pre-session, the real therapy begins in June this year.
That's your best chance to undo the mental/emotional damages done to you as a child so do the therapy and read some books about Emotional damage, abuse, neglect and trauma (PTSD). Google it.
That's your best chance to undo the mental/emotional damages done to you as a child so do the therapy and read some books about Emotional damage, abuse, neglect and trauma (PTSD). Google it.
I did! Do you advice any books in specific? Also, what would be a good way to get rid off these thoughts untill I receive therapy. I am addicted to the feeling as my therapist said and the only way to get rid off is through therapy..
I was in your shoes. For about a year and a half, all I could think about was the one "girl" (young woman) I was obsessed over. Dating someone else didn't help (and was unfair to the other person). I sought counseling, which helped some. But even so, I was so wrapped up with this girl in my mind. We saw each other on a regular basis (lived in the same neighborhood, worked in the same general area, attended the same church, etc.) which only fueled my desire. It got so bad, emotionally speaking, that I would actually get physically ill to the point of throwing up when I would see her. (Needless to say, I would remove myself from her presence before tossing my cookies.)
What finally broke the obsession was two things. First, she gave me one rejection too many. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Something inside me finally said "Enough." It just wasn't going to work. But no one could tell me this; I had to come to understand it myself. And then, the second thing came: I moved away. And I stopped seeing her, and stopped talking to her.
And that, OP, is what I recommend for you. Move away. Seriously. Remove yourself from any and all contact with this girl that you're obsessed with. No phone calls, no emails, no texting, no Facebook, no nothing. At all. Period. The fact that you will be leaving your country for six months is a godsend. Take full advantage of this opportunity to completely and totally cut yourself off from this person. And don't resume contact when you return to your country. Ever. You have no future with this person, so put her in your past.
Lastly, when I was going through my mess, I read a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward that I found somewhat helpful. One of the things she suggested was to put little "stop" signs anywhere where you might be reminded of her, such as by the telephone or computer. The idea is that, when you're at a point where you're tempted to contact her, you see the stop sign and are reminded to avoid doing so. I don't know if it would help you or not, but it helped me.
This used to be called "Puppy Love" and you will grow out of it as you grow older and have gone through several relationships which will give you perspective and wisdom about the process of hormonal chemicals reacting with the brain's thought processes when conducting a relationship with the opposite sex.
Just a warning, it can be very expensive and draining on your psychological structure and can cause long term damage to your health and welfare if not controlled adequately.
This used to be called "Puppy Love" and you will grow out of it as you grow older and have gone through several relationships which will give you perspective and wisdom about the process of hormonal chemicals reacting with the brain's thought processes when conducting a relationship with the opposite sex.
Just a warning, it can be very expensive and draining on your psychological structure and can cause long term damage to your health and welfare if not controlled adequately.
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