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Many people who suffer from mental illness struggle to make friends. As a result, many of us are more susceptible to meeting the wrong kinds of people. There are many types of i people that we need to be aware of, but I wish to focus on ‘saviors’ – specifically those that prey on vulnerable people.
I have been duped by quite a few saviors in the past, but I have become quite expert at spotting them. I have brought up this topic many times in therapy. My therapist agreed that there is definitely a link between saviors and narcissism. He coined the term 'closet narcissists' - among the most dangerous types of narcissists there are.
Saviors are potentially very dangerous to those struggling with mental illness and loneliness. Saviors are not always easy to spot, because they usually masquerade as friends. And those of us who suffer from mental illnesses often seize on any opportunity to make a potential new friend. But saviors are usually not friends, so here are some telltale indicators that a person is a savior, rather than a friend:
1. Saviors will usually want to find ways to fix the problems in your life very early on, before knowing you well enough.
2. Saviors will sometimes make you feel helpless and weak and will tell you that you can’t do something, rather than offer encouragement.
3. Saviors will tell you (and others) that they’re great friends, but will seldom actually want to spend real time with you. They will also claim they're your friend very early on in your interactions, just as any other fake friend would.
4. Rather than be an actual friend and just listen, saviors are prone to taking drastic measures to 'save' you such as calling the police or going behind your back and contacting your family or friends.
5. Saviors often have undiagnosed mental issues themselves and will use you and your mental illness as a means of deflecting from their own issues.
6. Saviors thrive on praise from you and others, which makes them 'closet narcissists'. When such praise isn’t forthcoming, they quickly become frustrated.
7. Saviors will often try to placate you by spending money on you, so they can use that as ammunition against you later on, if you question their motives.
8. Saviors often have a very rigid idea in their own minds as to how to help you, even if they’re blatantly wrong.
9. Saviors help others so that they can feel good about themselves, because they are insecure and in need of validation.
10. Saviors will ultimately either turn on you, or push you away when they realize that they can’t actually fix you.
11. Saviors may engage in gaslighting behavior, as a means of manipulation.
A friend will listen to your problems and offer advice. A savior will try to fix your problems. Saviors are NOT mental health professionals and most likely know less about mental health than those they try to ‘save’. For that reason alone, they are potentially dangerous.
Many people who suffer from mental illness struggle to make friends. As a result, many of us are more susceptible to meeting the wrong kinds of people.
IMO wrong approach to solving your problems. (Or if this is not about you then IMO it is not good advice.)
Anybody who has problems should consult with a healthcare professional for treatment or a referral. IMO the best choice is to seek counseling from a clinical psychologist with a Psy.D degree. Even better, seek intake appointments (interviews) with 2-3 of them and pick the one you feel most comfortable with.
To sum it up, professional treatment is much superior compared to friendly advice.
IMO wrong approach to solving your problems. (Or if this is not about you then IMO it is not good advice.)
Anybody who has problems should consult with a healthcare professional for treatment or a referral. IMO the best choice is to seek counseling from a clinical psychologist with a Psy.D degree. Even better, seek intake appointments (interviews) with 2-3 of them and pick the one you feel most comfortable with.
To sum it up, professional treatment is much superior compared to friendly advice.
I think you misunderstood the OP. Perhaps she could explain. But I understood her to say that in the pursuit of friendship for friendship's sake (not for therapy's sake or advice), people who have difficulty making friends tend to be prone to making friends with the wrong type of people.
OP, I'd add to your list that narcissists acting as saviors can be very manipulative. For example, playing the savior to get praise and gratitude from the person they're pretending to befriend, as your post implied. Playing the role of savior is a good m.o. for them to get "narcissistic supply", as it's called: praise and admiration. Ego food.
And your #5; very astute. I've noticed that narcissistic savior types tend to project emotional issues or mental health issues onto others, when in fact it's the narcissist who's the one in need of therapy.
Perhaps I did miss the point, but the narcissists I've known tend to push their advice on you whether it will benefit you or not. In fact if you are not doing things their way you are doing things the wrong way. Another thing I've noticed is that narcissists on the phone tend to do most of the talking and object when interrupted, but constantly interrupt you when you are talking.
Maybe I'll catch onto the topic when there are more posts. Or maybe my comment above means I did get the point. Belatedly.
As always, I recommend people with any mental problems seek professional help. That includes people with problems in socialization.
@Lovehound please refer to Ruth4Truth's first response.
To clarify, I am NOT talking about seeking random people out or relying on friends for mental health needs. In fact, my point is to NOT do that and the main problem with saviors / closet narcissists is that they act as if they are mental health professionals.
This is to help mentally ill \ lonely people avoid getting suckered in.
I think you misunderstood the OP. Perhaps she could explain. But I understood her to say that in the pursuit of friendship for friendship's sake (not for therapy's sake or advice), people who have difficulty making friends tend to be prone to making friends with the wrong type of people.
OP, I'd add to your list that narcissists acting as saviors can be very manipulative. For example, playing the savior to get praise and gratitude from the person they're pretending to befriend, as your post implied. Playing the role of savior is a good m.o. for them to get "narcissistic supply", as it's called: praise and admiration. Ego food.
And your #5; very astute. I've noticed that narcissistic savior types tend to project emotional issues or mental health issues onto others, when in fact it's the narcissist who's the one in need of therapy.
^^ this
I'll never forget a former friend of mime from last year who was a typical savior. The ironic thing is she always told me how much I'd gotten worse, yet I was already in therapy and she wasn't. Not only that, but she was drinking away her problems, whereas I beat alcohol addiction almost 4 years ago.
I ended the fake friendship and told her flat out that she needed help as much as I did and that at least I don't drink my problems away anymore, or help others only as a means of not facing my problems. Needles to say, she never responded. Good riddance.
I think what you describe as 'saviours' are what are also known as 'codependents' in the addiction world. But, just as some people with insecurities and codependent tendencies seek out those who they can 'take care of', so do people on the other side of the coin - the ones with problems they cannot or don't want to deal with alone.
None of this makes for a good environment for healthy friendships to flourish. For the most part, under these conditions the best you can hope to achieve is a symbiotic, semi-balanced relationship but if one personality or need is greater than the other, it often turns quickly into a parasitic one, leading to resentments and (hopefully, in truth) dissolution of the relationship before someone is very badly hurt to the point they cannot recover.
I don't know how to advise you about finding the 'right type of friends'. You have a good list there - and I would say, look for red flags and if you see them, dissolve or resolve things at the first hint of trouble. Being 'aware' is the first step and you seem to be at least at that stage so that is good. Now you need to know more about 'actions' to take if someone, once you have found them, appears to be doing what you don't want them to do. At least in the early stages, if you recognize any of the problems on your list, I might try to talk to them and point out your needs and expectations and listen to theirs as well. Some will understand and try to work with you .. others probably won't. If it becomes a chronic issue, then I say .. say goodbye and mean it.
None of us is perfect at the friends thing I can assure you. You are not alone. We all probably occasionally at least attract or feel attracted to the wrong kind of person for us. I wish you luck in finding at least one or two really good people in your life who can live up to your expectations as friends. That is really all any of us can hope to find I think - whether we are relatively well or not.
I think what you describe as 'saviours' are what are also known as 'codependents' in the addiction world. But, just as some people with insecurities and codependent tendencies seek out those who they can 'take care of', so do people on the other side of the coin - the ones with problems they cannot or don't want to deal with alone.
None of this makes for a good environment for healthy friendships to flourish. For the most part, under these conditions the best you can hope to achieve is a symbiotic, semi-balanced relationship but if one personality or need is greater than the other, it often turns quickly into a parasitic one, leading to resentments and (hopefully, in truth) dissolution of the relationship before someone is very badly hurt to the point they cannot recover.
I don't know how to advise you about finding the 'right type of friends'. You have a good list there - and I would say, look for red flags and if you see them, dissolve or resolve things at the first hint of trouble. Being 'aware' is the first step and you seem to be at least at that stage so that is good. Now you need to know more about 'actions' to take if someone, once you have found them, appears to be doing what you don't want them to do. At least in the early stages, if you recognize any of the problems on your list, I might try to talk to them and point out your needs and expectations and listen to theirs as well. Some will understand and try to work with you .. others probably won't. If it becomes a chronic issue, then I say .. say goodbye and mean it.
None of us is perfect at the friends thing I can assure you. You are not alone. We all probably occasionally at least attract or feel attracted to the wrong kind of person for us. I wish you luck in finding at least one or two really good people in your life who can live up to your expectations as friends. That is really all any of us can hope to find I think - whether we are relatively well or not.
You make a great point about codependency; I missed that one on my list. Saviors are often codependent. But it still comes down to the fact that you have to analyze and beware of hidden motives.
When I look for friendships, I see them as distortions from my issues, rather than solutions. It's why I get upset when people feel the need to solve my problems, which is something my last boyfriend did. He wasn't a savior, but there was definitely unhealthy codependency there, as he relied on me for his happiness, so when I got depressed, he would break too.
It's also worth bearing in mind that when you're broken yourself, you're more likely to attract broken people. Such connections are seldom healthy, unless there is a commitment to recovery. This applies to friendships and relationships too. I have paid a heavy price for leaning on broken branches in the past. Never again
I have tried to fix people but I am not one of your saviors...
I do it, or I don't. I can only try and I am not going to call your mother.
I understand some things that others don't generally get because I have experience. I will help if I can but I don't care if you are not fixed.
I would give you a tool to do your own work and that is all.
I never get praise even if I spend my personal time and energy and money on helping someone who I am asked to help..
Don't forget that are real fixers. Even fixing you a meal is 'fixing' and people do that to make something nice for someone else, not for praise for their chicken and dumplings but it is nice to thank the cook.
Implying that the cook is only doing it for their narcissistic ego is insulting and a way to focus on other people's problems when you should be focusing on your own.
Are other people perfect? No, but you shouldn't be pathologizing them. Worry about your own self...
Someone might need a dollar someday and if you give it to them then you are trying to fix their temporary problem and you better go back to examine your narcissism...
Everybody is a little bit narcissistic...It is natural to be self concerned. I think your shrink is narcissistic for sure. Why does she do that job? She can't fix you.
That is is it.
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Now you need to know more about 'actions' to take if someone, once you have found them, appears to be doing what you don't want them to do. At least in the early stages, if you recognize any of the problems on your list, I might try to talk to them and point out your needs and expectations and listen to theirs as well. Some will understand and try to work with you .. others probably won't. If it becomes a chronic issue, then I say .. say goodbye and mean it. 
