So before I started university, I was pretty much a huge baby. I couldn't take care of myself at all. This was made even worse by the fact that I was kind of on my own, even though I live with my mom and brother. After my dad passed away, we just lived our own lives. So I was a perpetual 16-year-old. Well, for 5 years at least. And my life was horrible. I didn't drive, I did pretty horribly in school, I had no idea what I was doing, I almost got fired from the two jobs I had during this time (quit before I got fired tbh), and I was obsessed with a very emotionally abusive guy and I had a bad, enabling group of friends that was full of drama. To top it all off, I also had to battle with being closeted/gay in a neighborhood that isn't the friendliest toward gays. Oh, I also was overweight and I smoked an INSANE amount; 1-3 hours a day. I would also get drunk 1-2 times a week.
So I ended up playing "catch up" when I finally transferred to university. I began to finally try to solve my ADHD; went to a psychiatrist and psychologist. My suspicions were confirmed after all. I was diagnosed with ADHD, with severe inattention. The psychologist who diagnosed me said I might have coordination/spacial recognition problems or something. I got my prescription.
Things began to look up. I finally drove, I began losing weight, I was becoming more independent, I stopped smoking, I barely ever drink (I've gotten drunk maybe 4 times this year. As opposed to 242392103921093 times the previous 3 years), etc.
I also changed my major to Music. This was something that I was once very passionate about, but stopped, because for some reason I meshed music/singing with being gay.
I auditioned for my university's music department, and I got accepted very quickly into my audition.
I was initially excited....
But I was not prepared for this change. First off, for my university's music department, for some reason most classes are 1-2 units, even if they meet up 2 or more hours a week. So, for instance, my Piano class is one unit. But it meets nearly 2 hours per week. Because I am completely new to reading music and I have very, very bad coordination, learning something takes me a ****ing eternity. I ended up practicing a 25-second song (that is played very slowly) for 7 hours, and I ended up getting a D on performing it to my professor (well, I was shaking and blanked out and etc. but whatever).
At the beginning of the semester I was enrolled in 13 units, but it was 8 classes. Now I have 12 units, 7 classes. I am required to be full-time for various reasons.
Perhaps that's fine and dandy for people who got into the university riding on 5+ years of experience, but I pretty much have ZERO. I only got in due to the quality of my voice.
I already came into the school with super low self-esteem, after being rejected by 2 friend groups and having a mother that's very critical. I also have issues with anxiety and insomnia. ADHD also usually means getting ready to start the day is a gigantic ordeal. So for the first week of school I was like 15+ minutes late to every class. I commute, too, and it's about an hour drive. My first class starts at 8:30 on M/W, and 10 on T/Th/F.
And every single class right off the bat assumed that everyone is pretty well-versed in musicianship/music theory. I didn't even know what the notes were called. One class I had to sign up for involves me teaching a student..... I need the teaching! I'm nowhere near qualified to train another person. I was also very nervous about performing, as I had just stopped smoking this year and needed time for my throat to heal. I also didn't know a single person in this school, and I am the only person in all of my classes that is my nationality. So I've been actually EXTREMELY introverted these past 5 weeks. Kind of a shocker considering I was Prom King 5 years ago! But in class I don't say a peep. Because I'm so behind in music that I'm embarrassed and feel unworthy to be around these people.
And I think I have OCD when it comes to certain things. I CONSTANTLY go to the bathroom because for some odd reason I think every bad smell is me (and sometimes I imagine the bad smells, I think). In reality, my coworkers have told me how I always smell really good. They've even had convos about this when I'm not around.
And because I'm insecure about myself I overdress to school. I think this, combined with me being allergic to human interaction for the past 5 weeks, has probably resulted in people thinking I'm stuck up. When in reality it's the opposite. I feel unworthy...
And in every one of my classes, I've noticed at least one guy trying to get my attention. But I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't even bother giving eye contact. Instead my intuition is to act as disinterested as possible. I think this stems from the emotionally abusive person I dealt with; who would do things like hold my hand, tell me things such as "I wish I could just be in your arms forever," "why do we have so much sexual tension?", "I want to be in your life forever," gave me a forehead kiss, "I just want to love you," etc. etc. and he ended up claiming that he was "just flirting as a joke." I know that it's total BS but he ended up manipulating me and our friends so hard that he convinced me and my (ex) friends that my brain does not interpret anything correctly and that I need therapy... so that my brain can start interpreting things correctly. Aka that I'm crazy. And I guess this ended up having a deep effect on me.
To top it off, I also have work 3-4 times a week, and I always close. So I have school M-F, work Th-Sun. At least 2 hours of driving M-F.
My workplace isn't just some place where I do barely any activity, either. It's physically EXHAUSTING. Shifts are 6-8 hours and it's an extremely busy place. I once used a tracker for 3.5 hours on my shift, and it said that I had traveled 4 miles... just to get a gist of how much I move during my shifts.
For these first 5 weeks, I've basically had to deal with:
-My insomnia
-Being insecure about my voice (initially, I would only sing when I was home alone, with the AC on, with all the windows closed, with my door locked, in the bathroom, with the fan on, in the shower)
-Being very behind in musicianship
-Schedule changes which led to me being even more behind in some classes
-Being insecure in general and not making friends (even though I know for a fact numerous people have tried to befriend me, or want to be in my pants) and being embarrassed to practice or do anything, really. So no support at all
-Being constantly exhausted
-OCD
-My horrendous anxiety over everything
-Work and school balance, work being physically exhausting
etc. etc.
Things have gotten a little better this week as I was forced to finally face my fear of having people *gasp* hear my voice when I'm a music major, I finally had my keyboard shipped to my house (I need it for piano), and I finally got books for some of my classes.
However, I am now doing terribly. And the worst part is I can even explain myself without giving an insanely long-winded explanation.
For example, yesterday, I had to give a student a lesson from 4:30-5 PM. I was running on 6 hours of sleep in 3 days. My eyes literally hurt so much that I had to constantly squint to not feel excruciating pain. I had to meet up with my TA beforehand, and I didn't have his contact info. I took a screenshot of the route I was supposed to take (Since no data, would not be able to use google maps while driving). I tried driving to the school that I had to go to, but because my brain was fried, I ended up missing the street I was supposed to turn on by a significant amount. And because I had no data I had no idea where to go. I had no way of contacting my TA, and I ended up missing it. When I went home I was so angry and disappointed with myself. I knocked out for about 13 hours, on and off. I see this morning that I got a text from him the day before and I gave him a long winded explanation and asked if I could make it up and he didn't even reply
And for my classes attendance is mandatory and I can only miss like 2 classes even if the class meets 30 times. Otherwise my grade gets lowered by 1/3rd. I've already hit this limit. Sometimes it's just really ****ing hard for me to get up in the morning, after being awake and out of the house from 5 AM-11 PM, then having homework and stuff to practice, and then having to get up early again.... it's kind of exhausting...
Case in point, I'm ****ing beyond overwhelmed, and exhausted, and embarrassed, and I started off the first 5 weeks of the semester really badly, and I just have no idea where to turn, what to do, how to ask my professors for help, if I should go to therapy, if that'll help me or help give my profs some perspective...
I just wasn't ready for this semester. At all. And I just want to cry. And every day I feel like I embarrass myself more and more and give off the wrong impression more and more and my anxiety and introvertedness/social awkwardness just increases and idk what to do
I know this topic ended up being totally disorganized but like I'm just pouring out my thoughts honestly. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying very hard. But I just feel so discouraged and exhausted and IDK what to do to make it better. I'm also too scared to ask my professors for help.
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