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After having another giant fight that occurred over me not getting water bottles out of her car, aka an extremely trivial thing, I had to go to school and it all dawned on me.
I am a gay male, and I recently came out to both my mom and my brother. I also have been diagnosed with ADD.
Now, despite everything I'm about to share, I do love my mom... but I just resent her and feel terrible about it and I'm not sure if it's my fault. But here's what I remember...
-When I was a little kid my mom would constantly yell at me.
-I remember one time when I was around 4 years old, my mom and I were in the car and from what I remember I was being a typical kid/brat and I was asking her if we could go buy a specific type of food. She kept saying no. We came home, I kept asking her, and then she flipped out and quite literally flipped over tables, couches, etc. etc. and I was absolutely not expecting this reaction. I don't remember saying any rude comments to her or anything of the sort, and I remember not only being terrified but wondering what I did to warrant this reaction.
-I remember one time when I was in 4th grade, I was in the car with my mom, and from what I remember, I had lost my jacket, or left it at school or something. My mom ended up yelling at me when I told her, and she flipped out and said "you left it at school again? You mother ****er???" or something to that extent. I just remember her flipping out over losing my jacket and her calling me a mother ****er... when I was just, what, 8 or 9?
-The few years I sang she was proud of me and showed me off and made me sing at her office parties or whatever, so she treated me pretty well. But I stopped singing once I started middle school because I was terrified of being bullied and harassed if people started calling me gay, as I had attributed singing with being gay.
-She would get in constant terrible fights with my dad and sometimes I would be uncomfortable being home because of how heated the arguments would get. She would really drive my dad up a wall.
-She would never have a problem with embarrassing me in front of others. At school if, say, I didn't get glowing praise from my teachers, she would yell at me while we were both still walking around at school even if friends were around. She has no problem discussing embarrassing things to my friends.
-She has done things like taken my video games and basically tossed them like a frisbee towards a wall, has taken my keyboard and thrown it against the wall, has gone into my room and knocked over everything on my table and taken everything out of my cabinets and thrown them out, and thrown everything out of my closet onto the floor, etc.
-There was a time where I would take some of my brother's clothes, or maybe used his cologne, because I would run out or I didn't have money to buy new decent clothes and my brother would get angry... really angry. When I haven't been home he's destroyed my room over me taking a belt, or a tie, or something else. One time when I forgot to return a pair of shorts he came into my room and choked me with his hands and my mom watched. My mom defended him.
-In fact, my mom has never been on my side... for anything.
-Never wants to take responsibility for her own actions
-Gave away a dog we had after two years even though I loved him, because she was sick of him. Didn't care for it at all.
-After my dad passed away, it was just me, her, and my brother. This happened during my junior year. For around a year and a half it was all a blur, just a coping process, lots of changes. Once college happened, I pretty much felt alone. I got a job, still hadn't learned to drive, got into a toxic group of friends. During this period any time I even hinted that I needed money she made me feel bad about it. She has paid for maybe 1k of my college. The rest has been financial aid (extremely little) or loans.
-When she asks if I need money, if I say yes, she'll either make me feel bad about it immediately, or use it against me the next day. Keep in mind that, especially as of late, I use money on gas, coffee, other essentials, and as little as possible when I go out once every couple of weeks. That's it. I buy new clothes maybe once a year. Basically ANY time my mom gives me money, whether it be for my birthday, Christmas, or any reason really, I cannot remember a single time where she hadn't used it against me, as if I'm supposed to feel bad about needing support from a parent. For instance, I've gotten numerous parking tickets from school because I don't have enough spare money in my account to buy a $180 parking pass, so basically I push my luck and buy a temporary parking pass as little as possible. She will only blame me, because I honestly get terrified to ask her for money. Because she will, without a doubt, complain about it either immediately, or later on. So I feel trapped.
I would be more empathetic about it, but she constantly goes out... I mean constantly. 3-5 times a week. And comes home at around 1-3 am when she does. And the townhouse we live in is 3.5k... why do I have to feel bad to ask her for help, when I'm going to college off loans, when I have a minimum wage job, etc.?
At one point I even had two jobs, and she was still telling me to work more... while I had school.
-I have horrible self-esteem. I never feel good enough. I don't remember the last time my mom has encouraged me to do anything aside from perhaps singing. She has never pushed me to do anything.
-She told me today that after I came out to her I would be "less angry towards her." And I told her that we've never even talked about it. After I came out to her I mentioned that I stopped talking to my old group of friends, and instead of wanting to know more, she said "I'd rather not know". I told her that I shouldn't have to force my mom to get to know me on a deeper level and that it has to be organic. She tells me that I don't communicate and I tell her that I actually communicate to others excellently, and she's like "oh yeah that's why you don't talk to your friends right?" And I told her, she doesn't even know what happened (and I offered to tell her but she didn't want to listen!), and that she really doesn't know me. All she knows about me is that I work, I go to school, and that I'm gay. Really not much more.
-It's quite obvious in my eyes that my mom favors my straight brother who has had little to no issues, especially since he had 5 extra years with my dad and got the help he needed. As for me, until I had to go to a university and changed my old group of friends and became more independent, I felt like I was stuck at 16, aka the age when I lost my dad. It made me realize that the past 5 years without my dad has just been my mom being "poor me" "poor me" "poor me." I don't get ANY actual help, no ACTUAL attempts at bonding... and yet she somehow manages to make me feel bad about wanting to ask for any help... because she ALWAYS uses the help she gives against me, even when it comes to food. But... I shouldn't feel bad for asking for some help, right? I mean, she signed up to be a parent... which involves expectations towards their children that shouldn't be seen as privileges.
-Tells me that I don't like her or my brother, when my brother has physically abused me or destroyed my room over extremely petty reasons, and when she has been abusive to me (at least through my maybe craaaAaAaazy perspective). It really dawned on me today that I was stuck as a 16 year old until 7 or 8 months ago, because until I had the drive to be independent, I felt alone. Neither one was helping me. My mom didn't want to help me drive and my brother didn't either until my mom constantly nagged him to. I felt scared to open up, scared to share my feelings and my dreams and desires, scared to ask for any kind of actual help. I felt worthless. I had so little self confidence for every aspect of life, because my mom only insults me or complains or asks me to do something.
Until now I thought, maybe I'm the problem. Obviously, I'm not perfect. With my ADD and with the huge amount of depression and issues that come with being gay and closeted I had quite some difficulties along with my dad's death that probably made me kind of difficult to deal with because I needed so much help. But now that I've become much more independent and I did everything for myself, such as diagnosing my ADD and paying for my doctor visits and medication, getting rid of my depression with no thanks from my family in any way, and battling with my sexuality and coming out with no thanks to my family, etc. etc. that... perhaps I'm not this crazy, angry, neglectful person my mom wants me to believe I am.
But rather, I live with a mom that has insanely high expectations, who doesn't provide me with the REAL love and support I need.
I don't know... that's what just dawned on me today. What does it sound like to you guys?
Thanks!
Last edited by heythere999; 03-05-2017 at 05:33 AM..
She sounds unbelievably cruel. I have no idea if she has a mental disorder, though. I hope that you can focus on moving out as soon as possible. She sounds like a miserably unhappy person who lashes out at anyone around her. You need to protect yourself.
Doesn't sound like classic narcissism or narcissistic impulses to me, but sure sounds like a serious problem. IMO none of the narcissistic markers are present. More like some sort of personality disorder not related to narcissism.
My mother's a narcissist. It's ... different. My first instinct is to simply say that narcissists are more subtle and insidious. What you're dealing with is blatant lunacy and cruelty. It's more along the lines of something more obvious than what a narcissist would inflict. I mean, she COULD be a narcissist, but there's something else going on there. As soon as you are well-established and on your own, you should drop your family from your life. Because whatever the "diagnosis" they are definitely toxic people and you do not need them in your life. Also, you should monitor your credit score very carefully - this is the type of person who could use your SSN to open credit cards or whatever.
She may or may not be, but narcissism wouldn't explain the violence.
Congrats on treating your depression! Are you in highschool, or college? If you're at college, please check out the counselors at the mental health center, so you can have someone to talk to about all this. You may have to try more than one to find a good fit. It's the only time in your life that you'll have FREE psych counseling.
The fact that she said you'd be less angry toward her after coming out tells me that she's projecting her own anger onto you. She seems to have a lot of anger. The lack of interest in getting to know you better as a person, (and her blaming you for that, for not communicating) could indicate narcissism, but it could be other things as well.
Do you have friends? What about other relatives you could look to for some companionship and support? I think you should try to create a positive environment for yourself, through friends or whoever, OP. Create your own surrogate family. Your history of falling in with the wrong crowd is a symptom of your family experience. Make a goal of finding a few good people to be friends with. Be good to yourself, and try to nurture yourself. If you can afford it, get a massage; you'll be surprised how much better and more balanced you feel afterwards. (endorphins! )
Self-care, in sum. Take care of yourself, OP. You've done pretty well so far, all things considered; holding down two jobs, getting yourself tested for ADD, and all. Keep up that good work. Focus on the positive. You WILL get through this phase of life. It does end, a new one will begin. How's your schoolwork, btw? Doing well in school and getting a good job afterwards will be your saving grace.
I didn't read it word for word because I got the gist pretty fast. She's like my mother who I came to the conclusion (not confirmed medically) was a narcissist a couple of years ago. The guilt trips, her way or the highway, not taking responsibility, all about her, etc. This is my mother. I no longer speak to her because I have to protect myself. She always yelled and criticized me as a kid, which meant I had zero self esteem. It took my 40+ years to fully get the impact it all had on me and repair/build my confidence. I don't know how old you are, but you sound young. Good for you for figuring this out early in life. Protect yourself and set boundaries or cut her off if it gets too bad.
-Never wants to take responsibility for her own actions
I think this comes back to you not taking responsibility for your own actions in this.
You admit to several things that people flipped out on, but don't seem to get that you were the direct cause of them flipping out. I wonder how many times you did that thing that made them go ballistic before they finally popped off?
I will say that the way your mother called you names was harsh. But you need to take responsibility for some of this.
What you are describing is the manipulation that narcissists use to make their supporting cast behave the way they want them to do.
Narcissism is not a medical illness, it is a psychological illness. Only a mental healthcare professional can diagnose it, and only after some degree of personal evaluation (in-office sessions). Once diagnosed there is a DSM-IV number (or more than one) that corresponds to the illness.
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