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I've started seeing a woman who was gang raped when she was 14, the perpetrators were never prosecuted, and she has continued on and thrived, been through two marriages and had numerous relationships that, near as I can tell, were never damaged by what happened to her 40 years ago now.
She has some body shame issues and has a difficult time letting me see her undressed but I'm fine with that, as I assume the other men before me were too.
At the same time, as I spend more time with her, the more I wonder if we're going to be able to work things out. She won't talk about the past, which I get. But as she opens up her current way of being to me, the more I'm worried that what might be considered a reasonable compromise to ask of someone else, in her case might be messing with the way she's adapted to survive.
She needs to go out a lot. I mean, every other night during the week and every night on weekends. She dresses outrageously and provocatively. "Do I look cheap?" she asked me the other night "Absolutely not," I said, because she doesn't. She looks wonderful. But it is a little over the top for someone with my conservative DNA. She's had several breast augmentation jobs and likes to get her breasts up and nearly out of her dresses.
She needs to be seen in public. She's really driven to being seen. She needs to see herself in private, too: I've never seen so many mirrors in one house. They're everywhere.
She's got the craziest hair ever and it gets crazier than crazier when we go out. It's the first thing that captures the attention of the guys and girls around us.
I've read a little bit about how rape victims adapt afterwards and the way she is now does not seem to be all that common. So, maybe it has nothing to do with the past. But I don't know. And she doesn't want to talk about it.
What kind of compromises am I looking for? Maybe to not go out so often. Maybe for her to not have to get so dolled up every time we go out. The mirrors I can live with, obviously. But, man, I'm getting a little worn out.
The difficult thing is, all this has been revealed to me somewhat slowly, so by now, at this point, I'm fairly heavily invested in the relationship and the "in love" words have been spoken and meant. But I'm a little concerned how I'm going to fare in the future, if I'm the only one making changes to keep the relationship going. At the same time, Jesus H, she's been through hell and so why would I want her to modify anything at all ever?
I dunno. I feel like a **** 3/4 of the time for having thoughts like these. Any ideas anyone about how to deal?
My take: her trauma, unbeknownst to her, is driving her behavior, which is extreme. (Multiple boob jobs? Flashing her extreme boobs in public chronically?) The only way to fix this is for her to get trauma therapy. A GOOD therapist, someone who offers treatments like EMDR, should be able to help her resolve this without it taking a year or more, like conventional therapy, or even 6 months. It doesn't have to be a big deal where she confronts and relives the trauma. There are very effective ways of handling it without requiring that, until the emotional charge is removed (via EMDR or similar).
Talking, working toward compromise, as one might with an emotionally-healthy person, will not work. So if you're willing to suggest this type of therapy, and maybe even do a little research to see who offers it in your area, and if she's willing to try it, you two might have a future. Otherwise, you may have to face a big decision about the relationship.
I've started seeing a woman who was gang raped when she was 14, the perpetrators were never prosecuted, and she has continued on and thrived, been through two marriages and had numerous relationships that, near as I can tell, were never damaged by what happened to her 40 years ago now.
She has some body shame issues and has a difficult time letting me see her undressed but I'm fine with that, as I assume the other men before me were too.
At the same time, as I spend more time with her, the more I wonder if we're going to be able to work things out. She won't talk about the past, which I get. But as she opens up her current way of being to me, the more I'm worried that what might be considered a reasonable compromise to ask of someone else, in her case might be messing with the way she's adapted to survive.
She needs to go out a lot. I mean, every other night during the week and every night on weekends. She dresses outrageously and provocatively. "Do I look cheap?" she asked me the other night "Absolutely not," I said, because she doesn't. She looks wonderful. But it is a little over the top for someone with my conservative DNA. She's had several breast augmentation jobs and likes to get her breasts up and nearly out of her dresses. She needs to be seen in public. She's really driven to being seen. She needs to see herself in private, too: I've never seen so many mirrors in one house. They're everywhere. She's got the craziest hair ever and it gets crazier than crazier when we go out. It's the first thing that captures the attention of the guys and girls around us.
I've read a little bit about how rape victims adapt afterwards and the way she is now does not seem to be all that common. So, maybe it has nothing to do with the past. But I don't know. And she doesn't want to talk about it.
What kind of compromises am I looking for? Maybe to not go out so often. Maybe for her to not have to get so dolled up every time we go out. The mirrors I can live with, obviously. But, man, I'm getting a little worn out.
The difficult thing is, all this has been revealed to me somewhat slowly, so by now, at this point, I'm fairly heavily invested in the relationship and the "in love" words have been spoken and meant. But I'm a little concerned how I'm going to fare in the future, if I'm the only one making changes to keep the relationship going. At the same time, Jesus H, she's been through hell and so why would I want her to modify anything at all ever?
I dunno. I feel like a **** 3/4 of the time for having thoughts like these. Any ideas anyone about how to deal?
Why are you into that bolded???? You are into her crazy looks and then you complain about it. Doesn't make sense.
You are delusional if you think that (just by looking at her weird behavior overall) the GANG RAPE did not play a big role in her past relationships and her behavior overall. It wasn't just an older man grabbing her butt. It was a gang rape. I get sick just by the thought of it.
What is the concrete thing you're asking for? Maybe that you don't have to go out quite so often? I think it's totally reasonable to bring it up, and just tell her, honey, I love you, but going out this often is wearing me out. Would you be willing to cut back a little?"
And either she will be willing, or she won't.
I'm not sure what you can do about the whole dolled up part. It's all part of her self-identity. But again...you can ask and have a discussion about it.
And as a woman...when I say 'ask', I mean 'ask'. She's a grown woman, and won't take kindly to insinuation or passive/aggressive comments. (And I'm not implying AT ALL that I think that's where your coming from.)
If she loves and trusts you, she MIGHT be willing to make a couple of concessions...but like I sad...how we dress, our sense of style, it's wrapped up in our self identity...so...I think that can be tricky.
I've started seeing a woman who was gang raped when she was 14, the perpetrators were never prosecuted, and she has continued on and thrived, been through two marriages and had numerous relationships that, near as I can tell, were never damaged by what happened to her 40 years ago now.
She has some body shame issues and has a difficult time letting me see her undressed but I'm fine with that, as I assume the other men before me were too.
At the same time, as I spend more time with her, the more I wonder if we're going to be able to work things out. She won't talk about the past, which I get. But as she opens up her current way of being to me, the more I'm worried that what might be considered a reasonable compromise to ask of someone else, in her case might be messing with the way she's adapted to survive.
She needs to go out a lot. I mean, every other night during the week and every night on weekends. She dresses outrageously and provocatively. "Do I look cheap?" she asked me the other night "Absolutely not," I said, because she doesn't. She looks wonderful. But it is a little over the top for someone with my conservative DNA. She's had several breast augmentation jobs and likes to get her breasts up and nearly out of her dresses.
She needs to be seen in public. She's really driven to being seen. She needs to see herself in private, too: I've never seen so many mirrors in one house. They're everywhere.
She's got the craziest hair ever and it gets crazier than crazier when we go out. It's the first thing that captures the attention of the guys and girls around us.
I've read a little bit about how rape victims adapt afterwards and the way she is now does not seem to be all that common. So, maybe it has nothing to do with the past. But I don't know. And she doesn't want to talk about it.
What kind of compromises am I looking for? Maybe to not go out so often. Maybe for her to not have to get so dolled up every time we go out. The mirrors I can live with, obviously. But, man, I'm getting a little worn out.
The difficult thing is, all this has been revealed to me somewhat slowly, so by now, at this point, I'm fairly heavily invested in the relationship and the "in love" words have been spoken and meant. But I'm a little concerned how I'm going to fare in the future, if I'm the only one making changes to keep the relationship going. At the same time, Jesus H, she's been through hell and so why would I want her to modify anything at all ever?
I dunno. I feel like a **** 3/4 of the time for having thoughts like these. Any ideas anyone about how to deal?
None of these things necessarily have anything to do with being raped. They are just the product of low self esteem. I've known many women who are just like this and were never raped.
The question now for me is - why are you attracted to a woman whose HUGE boobs are almost falling out and with crazy hair and dressed like a hooker??
like i said, all this was revealed to me somewhat slowly. first of all, she dresses not like a hooker. her stle is from the 1950s, pretty frilly and flamboyant with a good bit of cleavage but it's not hooker like. and her boobs are big but not huge. many i painted the wrong picture w/ my op.
when i first saw her, and went out with her, she dressed much more demurely.
You are delusional if you think that (just by looking at her weird behavior overall) the GANG RAPE did not play a big role in her past relationships and her behavior overall. It wasn't just an older man grabbing her butt. It was a gang rape. I get sick just by the thought of it.
Plus, she was only 14 at the time. And since then, she's been through two marriages and two divorces, but the OP doesn't think the serial divorces are related to her trauma.
OP. Wake up. And you say the ordeal happened 40 years ago? So she's 54, and going out with crazy hair, boobs almost falling out of her dress, etc.?
Even at 54, it's not too late for competent and effective trauma therapy. It's never too late. But if she doesn't feel that there's a problem, then you'll have to accept her as she is, or move on to someone else.
like i said, all this was revealed to me somewhat slowly. first of all, she dresses not like a hooker. her stle is from the 1950s, pretty frilly and flamboyant with a good bit of cleavage but it's not hooker like. and her boobs are big but not huge. many i painted the wrong picture w/ my op.
when i first saw her, and went out with her, she dressed much more demurely.
So now her boobs are not huge? So she had SEVERAL enlargement procedures but they are NOT huge? You say they almost fall out of her dress but now it is not that extreme?
You painted the picture of a crazy looking woman (call her hair crazy) and now you say she looks pretty normal?
This is a fake story. I don't know why people don't see through it. It reads like a titillating movie script by someone with 4 posts.
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