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Hi , so my brother, who is 28, has some addiction issues. He had problems with pills in the past and went to NA and was able to get clean. He was clean for a year or so but still drank alcohol. He seemed to be okay. He has a good job and he was keeping the drinking under control. Last week he went out with friends and had 15 shots and pills and got a DUI and in an accident. He claims he learned his lesson but my parents and I think he should go to some sort of rehab. He now has cut mynparents off saying he doesn't need to be lectured and he doesn't want to do rehab. He said I am the only one he will talk to because I am not lecturing him. How can I get through to him that he should seek help ? He is extremely close with my parents so to say he won't speak to them again is pretty drastic. I am trying to approach him in a way that doesn't come off as lecturing but he keeps saying he is clean and fine and happy. Any help is appreciated.
There is nothing to say to him. One of the first tenets of assisting is for the one you help to acknowledge their need of help. He is not in that place so there is nothing to say. Sitting around waiting for him to fail and say, 'I told you so' doesn't work either. He needs to find the need himself. If he suddenly declares a need, that's when you can offer help. Until then, support him in his clean, fine, and happy life. It doesn't appear a 'tough-love' tack will work either. Be a sibling until you cannot stand it any longer, then call yourself out. Even as he has the option, you don't have to hang out with him if you don't want. Being in close range with an addict is very difficult. Stay as long as you can, then leave.
Hi , so my brother, who is 28, has some addiction issues. He had problems with pills in the past and went to NA and was able to get clean. He was clean for a year or so but still drank alcohol. He seemed to be okay. He has a good job and he was keeping the drinking under control. Last week he went out with friends and had 15 shots and pills and got a DUI and in an accident. He claims he learned his lesson but my parents and I think he should go to some sort of rehab. He now has cut mynparents off saying he doesn't need to be lectured and he doesn't want to do rehab. He said I am the only one he will talk to because I am not lecturing him. How can I get through to him that he should seek help ? He is extremely close with my parents so to say he won't speak to them again is pretty drastic. I am trying to approach him in a way that doesn't come off as lecturing but he keeps saying he is clean and fine and happy. Any help is appreciated.
My experience with Recovery and addiction is that, unless an Addict is in extreme pain and has hit bottom several times, the harder the better, the Addict will NOT GO FOR HELP and even if court ordered into a "program" the Addict will not take any of it seriously and will go right back to their "fix" or Life Raft. Him telling you that he is clean, fine and "happy" is his way of saying he has not been hurt enough by his addictions to NEED any help. It's difficult to say it but, he is going to have to get extremely hurt to the point of begging for help and then there might be some hope for him. You can talk, beg, lecture, threaten, manipulate, reason, cry, plead, scold, warn, etc. all you like BUT he is not ever going to give up his LIFE RAFT until it either scares him to death or nearly KILLS him.
I finally went for help after I was in extreme pain and had become frozen with terror and hopelessness. And even during Recovery, I still had to hit a few more "bottoms" to get serious about Recovery.
good luck
Knowing what I now know, I would not give a hard core Addict a half second of my time! The sooner he realizes that he is ON HIS OWN, the more likely he will be to get scared enough to ask for help and I don't mean $$$ help. Don't be there for him! Don't bail him out of jail! Don't run every time he calls and don't let him USE you in any way. Let him hit bottom so hard that it rattles his entire world and then MAYBE you can offer to drive him to a rehab center or whatever is available. Just walk away and DON'T LOOK BACK!
My parents are cutting him off completely. They were helping him out before with expenses though I am not sure why since he makes his own money and does pretty well. He basically told me he doesn't think he will be able to afford health care because he has no money. His money is clearly going to drugs instead. I will not help him with money if he asks but will try and help him organize his expenses to pay them. Should I be there for him like a friend though ? Should I pretend nothing is wrong? I am just scared that if he doesn't realize now he is at rock bottom then what will make him realize ?
My name is Gerard, I am a recovered alcoholic.
Well, a druggy not taking drugs but drinking booze is not "clean".
Most addicts I know say they never put a needle in their arm until there was booze in their stomach.
There is nothing you can "do" because you have no Power. We aren't God.
What you may find to be of tremendous help is Alanon, whilst its mostly for family members of drinkers it really is about you and how to stop playing God.
Have you ever seen those bumper stickers "Let go and Let God"?
Thats what they are getting at, as long as you keep trying to help, though well intended,
he will sink further down the scale. Then he will become angry at you and you will not see why.
My parents are cutting him off completely. They were helping him out before with expenses though I am not sure why since he makes his own money and does pretty well. He basically told me he doesn't think he will be able to afford health care because he has no money. His money is clearly going to drugs instead. I will not help him with money if he asks but will try and help him organize his expenses to pay them. Should I be there for him like a friend though ? Should I pretend nothing is wrong? I am just scared that if he doesn't realize now he is at rock bottom then what will make him realize ?
NO.
Let him know you'll be ready for him when HE decides to get clean & get help.
You are not his doctor, therapist nor accountant. You will fill the role where your parents left off and "rock bottom" will be even further away.
My name is Gerard, I am a recovered alcoholic.
Well, a druggy not taking drugs but drinking booze is not "clean".
Most addicts I know say they never put a needle in their arm until there was booze in their stomach.
There is nothing you can "do" because you have no Power. We aren't God.
What you may find to be of tremendous help is Alanon, whilst its mostly for family members of drinkers it really is about you and how to stop playing God.
Have you ever seen those bumper stickers "Let go and Let God"?
Thats what they are getting at, as long as you keep trying to help, though well intended,
he will sink further down the scale. Then he will become angry at you and you will not see why.
Its all rather paradoxical. Try Alanon online.
Best advice ever! Get to Alanon. It's not easy loving an addict. I am so sorry. You can love your brother without sacrificing your own self. Alanon will help
Last week he went out with friends and had 15 shots and pills and got a DUI and in an accident.
You won't have to anything, the court will do it for him.
Hopefully, he'll learn once he has his mandatory jail time, pays his fine, goes to DUI school, completes community service, and stays on probation for at least a year.
With an accident, it's likely going to be harsher than that. Because he had alcohol and pills in his system, the court will require him to go to counseling, and they will likely refer him to a detox or rehab.
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Hit bottom HARD!
