Parents who have accidentally killed their children by running them over (therapy, issues)
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I posted this in Psychology, because I mostly want to discuss the impact of this on a person and a family. But yes there is the other part of the conversation around how this could even happen, etc.
I don't want this thread to become about criticizing and bashing these poor people (though I can definitely understand the sentiment). So let's try to stay away from that.
We hear stories about this happening quite frequently:
A parent is backing out of their driveway and they accidentally run over their toddler who was crawling or playing in the driveway, just behind the vehicle. Usually the incident does not involve anything like being under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
It seems to happen often enough that it's a "thing." It was also the primary reason why some new cars have the rear view cameras. So it's not like something that's only happened 4-5 times.
I try to imagine what that must be like, to be the parent who ran over the child, and to be the other parent.
Does the parent who killed the child ever recover? Can they? Should they?
Does the other parent blame the parent who did it? Sure, it's most definitely an accident and not something intentional, but can they ever, ever forgive their partner?
Do these couples almost all end up breaking up? Could you stay with your partner if they did this? Have some of them successfully stayed together?
How often does the parent who killed the child end up committing or attempting suicide? Would you feel that way, if you were in their shoes?
I've been a therapist, and I can't even imagine how I would treat a couple if they came to me with this situation. The responsible thing would be for me to refer them elsewhere. But I wonder about a clinician who actually tries to help them--Do you feel any hope for a positive outcome?
Has anyone here known a family this happened to? What was the outcome for them?
Do you feel judgmental about it? How do you deal with that, if you know the people?
I can't help but asking: why was a toddler playing in the driveway, and how did you not even know? I realize a 5 or 6 year old kid could quickly run behind a car when only a second ago they were playing on the grass. But most of these cases are little tiny children, like 1-4 years old.
I'm not a parent, but I would think that if I were, after hearing of even one of these cases, I would always, compulsively, look behind my car before backing out of the driveway. Doesn't the person's spouse think this? Their other loved ones? How do you ever get past that?
I could not even cope with the guilt the person must feel. I mean, I have known people, personally and professionally, who have accidentally caused another person's death, maybe in a car crash or another kind of accident. They often can get better and cope with the shame and guilt. But this is something that involves one's own child and something that is 100% preventable. I don't know how I could ever live with myself.
I tend to be a very empathic person, and always try to put myself in someone else's place when I read news stories that are disturbing. I try to empathize with victims and offenders, loved ones and bystanders, to understand what it must be like. I can do this to the point where I can begin to actually feel some of the feelings, and I can even start crying. But this scenario disturbs me so much, I quickly snap out of it and change my train of thought. The guilt and despair are just so overwhelming, even in that small imaginary dose.
I have not seen any honest open discussions about this phenomenon online, and wanted to start one. Again, please observe the fine (and admittedly grey) line between expressing your feeling honestly and attacking the parents who this has happened to. I don't want any of them reading this and feeling even worse than they already do. And I'm positive they feel as bad as a human being can feel.
I think it would be a lifelong personal horror show. Why would you want to explore that? What is there to pick at?
You say you were a therapist, did you never take a course in grad school on trauma?
Wow, of course I have experience with trauma survivors. I simply started this particular conversation because it's a unique situation, as I see it, with a very singular population of people, with needs or issues that seem to be quite different from those of people who have been through all other kinds of traumas. Can't you see that? Most traumas involve having something happen TO you, and the feelings of powerlessness around that. Certainly people who go through this are likely to have symptoms of PTSD or full-blown PTSD, but it's certainly not "generic" PTSD, and "generic" PTSD treatments are not likely to be so effective.
I don't want to "pick at" anything, if you are implying that I want to just poke at people in pain for no reason, like a half-dead bird on the side of the road. It's not to make a spectacle of them. It's not to be sensational. It's not to condemn them. It's to explore and hopefully facilitate learning.
I think it's a topic that has not been explored much, that is thankfully somewhat rare (but not so rare), and that is so painful and complicated that it is useful to discuss it. Hopefully no one who reads this thread will have this happen in their life, but talking about something makes people more aware of the issue. Maybe one person will start compulsively checking behind their car and avert a catastrophe. Maybe one grad student out there looking for a dissertation topic will see this and think that more could be learned. Maybe one expert in PTSD interventions will put together specific modules for people in this population.
A family who were members of my church growing up had this experience. It was a family with four children, and the father was backing down the driveway, and a toddler bolted. The father was on no way impaired, it just happened extremely quickly. It was horrible, and he and the family never really recovered from the loss.
Happened to friends of mine. Their daughter (16) was backing out and accidentally ran over her little brother. She locked herself in her room for 4 weeks. She wasn't the same afterwards and never will be. Right after school she ended up moving far away from all friends/family, and has been pretty quiet since. It's been 10 years.
I wonder how any of those parents could function after anything like that. Maybe having to care for their other kids is what keeps them going. I'd need psychotropic drugs and daily therapy just to get out of bed in the morning. What a horror.
Near where I live, there was a well-known performer whose teenage son ran over one of their daughters in the driveway. It was horrible, and highly publicized, but for years the parents wouldn't release the name of the son who actually ran over her in order to provide him some relief from that stigma. They since have talked about it.
Near where I live, there was a well-known performer whose teenage son ran over one of their daughters in the driveway. It was horrible, and highly publicized, but for years the parents wouldn't release the name of the son who actually ran over her in order to provide him some relief from that stigma. They since have talked about it.
He is a Christian singer, FYI, in case talk about God and faith bothers you.
I remember when this happened. Something similar happened to my SIL and her oldest child, who died.
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