Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That's interesting. So you think I should be able to find a competent family practitioner who will "get" me. Am I ever a study in repeating patterns...
Most people are. If the patterns are destructive, though, you need support in identifying them and working toward healthier behavior.
I think people live what they know. I think many people unconsciously gravitate toward the same situation they were raised in because it's familiar.
I have a friend who grew up in a very chaotic, abusive home and as much as he thought he outran that as an adult, he did not. His marriage is a disaster. He is married to someone very troubled. My brother's wife has some of the same negative personality traits that our mother had. I married a guy that ended up cheating on me while I was pregnant. My biological father did the same thing to my mother.
History has a funny way of repeating itself. I think if you are aware and acknowledge dysfunctional patterns in the family you grew up in, you have a much greater chance of not repeating them in the future.
My situation is completely different than how I grew up! When I decided what I wanted out of life I knew I didn't want to be anything like my parents!
I married a man completely opposite of my father!! My father was an alcoholic who couldn't keep a job because of it. Once my mom left him he could careless about seeing me and my brother. My mother was a good parent, but she was gone a lot working crappy jobs because of the divorce and she had no college education. She let us do our own thing growing up. I felt I needed more discipline and structure. I practically raised my little brother.
The man I married was is a similar situation with his father and mother. However, he is a fantastic husband to me and a great father to our children. He works hard and will help anyone in need. I went to college and had a great career before getting married. I now work part time and put the needs of my children/family before anything.
We don't so much marry our parents as fall into our role in a familiar dynamic. Recognizing that there is a pattern is a good start. It's a lot harder to get outside the situation and not respond in the same way to the same setup. How did you respond to what he said?
Sad but true. No one wants to hear that they are part of the problem. It's not their fault but they have undergone conditioning to interact in a way that settles them into a "familiar dynamic."
That's a good way to put it because it isn't always that they enjoy being in the role. The start of change is recognizing that you find yourself in a familiar pattern. The next step is to find out what you can change about yourself to keep from repeating. This takes work and insight.
As far as leaving the relationship, until one's underlying issues are resolved, one is liable to repeat the pattern with a new partner. Not that we create that partner's behavior but a part of us seeks the familiar because we know how to cope with it.
We carry the way we have been conditioned to respond unconsciously with us wherever we go. Drat.
This is going to sound rude, but oh well. F him! I wouldn't continue with marriage counseling. You need to save yourself. He's not going to save you. He sounds like a douche. I would spend the money on a divorce attorney instead of counseling. You don't want to be with someone who's such a douche. And clearly he doesn't want to be with you. So F him and his counseling. Start repairing yourself!
Apparently I have sought out the familiar old relationship dynamic without even realizing it. How does one go about breaking the pattern?
As others have said, we're all drawn to that pattern because it's familiar (usually on an unconscious level) to us. This is a fascinating book that covers some of the reasons why, and gives advice on how to break the pattern: Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix.
Sometimes I think so. My husband is very much like my father. He can do/fix anything, very creative, onery as a sore-tail bear at times. But really just a big old marshmallow.
We are seeing a counselor, because H thinks this marriage can be saved. I do not share his optimism.
In our sessions we are encouraged to talk about things that bother us. I wanted to know why he doesn't touch me the way a loving partner would when we're being intimate, which seems odd over the course of a 23 year relationship. I speculated it might be that he's not all that attracted to me.
He said I'm ugly and I look like a witch. Actually, what he said was I looked like Carol Kane in "The Princess Bride."
Now I find myself unwilling to be even partially, much less fully, unclothed around him. He slept with me all those years, apparently disgusted with the way I look but never saying a word. Silently judging.
My father, who was jealous of his own children, used to call us Ugly #1 and Ugly #2, after Cinderella's ugly stepsisters.
Apparently I have sought out the familiar old relationship dynamic without even realizing it. How does one go about breaking the pattern?
It's very common. We marry the parent we had the most problems with the hope we can please them and make it come out right this time. It rarely works unless you both are in therapy and both really want to change. I would advise you to get in therapy and stay in therapy. It's the only way to prevent this from happening to you again. In therapy you can learn to recognize a man like your father very early in the relationship.
Good luck to you, it will be a long road but you've taken the first step, recognizing the pattern. That's HUGE!
I think some people seek out a spouse who reminds them of their parent(s) but sometimes it goes the complete opposite way. Both my husbands were the complete opposite of my father and I raised my kids the opposite way that I was raised.
That being said I would never put up with any kind of abuse from a husband or boyfriend. OP do you need to be with him for financial reasons? If not, get the hell out while you still have your self respect.
This is going to sound rude, but oh well. F him! I wouldn't continue with marriage counseling. You need to save yourself. He's not going to save you. He sounds like a douche. I would spend the money on a divorce attorney instead of counseling. You don't want to be with someone who's such a douche. And clearly he doesn't want to be with you. So F him and his counseling. Start repairing yourself!
Keeping in mind that we have only one side of the story and that we can't be sure how accurate it is, how can you know that the OP will not also benefit from the marriage counseling even if the marriage turns out not to be salvageable in the end? The OP might gain valuable insights through the counseling.
Nothing wrong with individual counseling, of course, but there could be an advantage in having the counselor observe the couple interact. That is, the OP might learn more about herself this way, by having a neutral third party see the situation of the couple from the outside, as opposed to the neutral third party having to wade through accusatory testimony from just one side and decide what part of it is valid.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
