My first and last experience with marriage counselor (husband, parent, issues)
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True Story : My husband (at the time) and I went to a Marriage Counselor. After listening to our tales of woe (mostly mine) ..the counselor said, "I don't see any hope for this marriage and I don't think I can help you." With that, (I silently agreed) and we were divorced within one year.
That's what my marriage counselor said, too. It was a little obvious, because my husband didn't actually show up for the appointment.
Precisely! A counselor is supposed to be counseling---which means offering advice/guidance. If he/she just wants to voyeuristically watch me and my wife talk, then me and her might as well talk at home. For free.
I've gotten good at calling out BS the last year or so. (Except when I "shouldn't", like with upper managers at work.) So if a marriage counselor were to tell me "Don't talk to me, talk to her!", I'd turn around and say: "If I'm paying you $100 an hour and I'm not supposed to talk to you, then what purpose do you serve?"
Of course, as a man in marriage counseling, I'm on thin ice as it is. And calling out the counselor on their BS would hurt me even further. But eh... if I know I'll lose the game, I might as well have fun playing badly while I wait for it to be over.
I'll add something to that. They can use that quack as a shared learning experience. (Not a bad way to bond!) Maybe even call the licensing board, and see if this therapy tactic is even legit. And work together to find a counselor who actually counsels, rather than uses their paying customers as emotional pornography.
I think there should be higher, stronger barriers to entry in conducting therapy. Something similar to dentists or chiropractors: less complex than an M.D., but harder than what counselors have now. Just because it's "just conversations and feelings" doesn't mean a bad therapist can't waste a client's time or even do damage, like by automatically taking the wife's side.
At least maybe TRY to educate and enlighten yourself? Because you really, really sound as if you have no idea what you are talking about.
I know, I know, silly of me in this day and 140-character age to recommend an actual BOOK, but this one is good and informative and also rather interesting.
I do recognize that. When my wife started to complain about me more and more years ago, on things I found quite unreasonable, I have told her that if she find another man she rather be with, she can leave me any time; I'm happy to let her go. I remember joking "just don't kill me". I was that confident her complaints were baseless. All these years later she hasn't divorced me.
That offer still stands today. If she wants a divorce today I will of course try to persuade her not to, because of the kids. And I am confident she will not divorce me either for that same reason. She loves the kids too much to do that.
We did and hence this experience with marriage counselor. The result has not convince even my wife to go back, even though we have more sessions covered by her benefits. This is one of the many things I leave it to her completely; and she has not demanded that we go back or go to another counselor.
I recognize now that we are very different. But I can tell you, she was a different person back when we were dating. I think she put up an act back then, because one of our co-workers who is my buddy disclosed to me, that back then everyone else thought my wife was hard to deal with.
If she were this demanding then, I probably would not have married her. But what is done is done. I can only look to the future. My guiding principle now is "do enough to satisfy her, and still have some left over to pursue what I want."
Perhaps you secretly hope she does divorce you but you want the decision to be on her. Someone said you are passive-aggressive, and I think she was right. At any rate, you don't sound as if you actually love your wife anyway.
You'll get your wish. It is clear that she is giving up on the marriage as well. Might take a while to end "officially", but it's just a matter of time now.
My wife and I are very very different, I'm a nature person and she's a city girl; I'm happy to drive a 20 year old pick up while she has to drive a new BMW; I'm just happy to go to our near by beach in California (where many people vacation), but she has to spend $4K to fly the whole family to Hawaii every year. she insisted on buying a house 5 minutes from her parents, as opposed to buying something with greatest appreciation potential (15 years later the difference is near 1 mil). Every few weeks she takes the kids to someone's birthday party in our suburban neighborhood, which seems like a waste of time to me, especially when we have to host ours. I can go on and on and on. I can summarize this way: she spends a lot of our family's time and money resources but get very little out of it from my perspective.
For 20 years we resolve these issues by me yielding to her, including agreeing to go to this counseling which I thought was useless from the start, and I feel I was right again. So while we bicker, marriage and life goes on. I am confident I can survive her lifestyle and still attain mine; I just wish someone with a fair mind can drive some common sense into her.
Hear this expression:
Opposites Attract, But It's Unfortunate That They Do.
I hear the word "change" from you often. We can't change people.
My ex and I were too opposite; he very scientific and me very logical with mega Common Sense.
Is marriage counselling a part of psychology? In any case, my wife and I argue over a lot of things (finance, kids, where to vacation, etc), last year we had a bigger dispute, and since her work benefit included a few sessions of marriage counseling, she insisted that we go see a marriage counselor.
So we went, and the counselor asked that we talked to each other, in a calm manner. And she listened on the side. Every time I tried to tell the counselor my side of the view point (as usual my wife insists on her view point), she said "don't talk to me, talk to her". I had hoped the counselor to be like a judge and can tell us from an objective perspective who should change what, but that never happened. All the counselor did was reminding us to speak in a calm voice at each other.
Seems to me that counselor is more like the referee in a boxing match.
Is that how a marriage counselor works? If so, I really don't see value in it.
My ex and I did counseling for a while. The counselor was VERY good, and gave us some good tools to work with. She ran things with both of us speaking in turn, while the other listened, and listened to both of us in turn, and then gave an objective opinion of what our gripes were. The only problem with it is that my ex would drop everything the counselor told us as soon as we were out the door. Straight back to her same old same old.
So, in the end, as good as the counselor was it didn't work out. Both people in the marriage have to want to make it work. Be willing to listen, compromise and not just beat on each other.
That's what my marriage counselor said, too. It was a little obvious, because my husband didn't actually show up for the appointment.
I enjoyed quite a good laugh from your post! +rep for you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by NVplumber
My ex and I did counseling for a while. The counselor was VERY good, and gave us some good tools to work with. She ran things with both of us speaking in turn, while the other listened, and listened to both of us in turn, and then gave an objective opinion of what our gripes were. The only problem with it is that my ex would drop everything the counselor told us as soon as we were out the door. Straight back to her same old same old.
So, in the end, as good as the counselor was it didn't work out. Both people in the marriage have to want to make it work. Be willing to listen, compromise and not just beat on each other.
No marriage will work unless each are willing 67% to make it work. The 17% was to account for your separate perceptions re: what you are really giving, vs. object reality.
Nobody is 100% objective. My goal is 50%, but not yet making it, but admitting my short failings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by louie0406
Marriage counseling is the biggest crock of #$%* ever.
Thank you for your very helpful comment. I am sure the many serious people interested in this topic will benefit from your words.
Oh, I am incredibly sorry. I am currently being counseled for my nasty sense of sarcastic humor... No not really.
As a therapeutic homework assignment, please write 100 wors on how your comment benefited this discussion.
Just now my wife sent me the pictures from my 10-year-old's school trip, which the school put together. She had to tag on a reminder that the kid's good looks come from her side of the family.
And she is right; the kid is very good looking, and it more likely came from her. While I don't agree that that "contribution" earns her the right to do whatever she wants, I AM forever grateful. I will never divorce my wife because of that plus I will never want to hurt my kids.
So by process of elimination, 1) I won't divorce her, and if 2) I can't change her, that means I just have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Wrong; you don't. She suggested the counseling, so take her up on it. You could tell her you've thought about it, and you agree that the two of you do need counseling. (This may give her pause, because she may have been thinking that you're the one with the problem, who needed to be "fixed".)
You guys need to learn to meet each other half-way. Whether it means her giving in on some issues, and you conceding on others, or working out a compromise on each issue, or whatever, neither of you need resign yourself to rolling over and dying, or grinning and bearing it for the rest of your life.
I think a measure of happiness can be achieved, for both. Besides, how good is it for the kids to have chronic discord in the house? Do it for the kids, if not for yourself.
It doesn't have to be like this, OP.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-25-2017 at 07:54 PM..
I actually "get" what the Op's concerns are in this post. He is quite right that change needs to occur. This mantra of "happy wife-happy life" is making him less pleasant in his own standards. Sometimes compromise is NOT the resolution. Sounds like the wife has dictated without much compromise.
In all earnest, change happens sometimes when we stop a certain style of behavior. In this case giving in ...Instead of working thru.
I happened to have a good marriage counselor. Made our transition to divorce more amicable. Sometimes counseling is to resolve and commit to stopping the harm.
Op: given some of the bending you did...I sense some resentment...That is telling. You gave up something that upon reflection probably isn't worth it overall. Nothing is written in stone...So with that..Try a fresh route of happiness for both. Not just the "happy wife".
Well you said it yourself -- having kids is the best experience one can have. I hope you have kids no matter what.
My wife and I were both workaholics when we were younger, and put off having kids until very late. When we did, we regretted not having them sooner.
I didn't say having a child was "the best experience one can have". I said that having children was the main purpose of marriage. Perhaps someone else said that about kids.
Also, I'm childfree. That means I don't want to have kids, ever, and voluntarily choose not to. Now, it's good that you're happy with your family. But I know that I'm as ill-equipped to be a father as I am to be a husband. So it's only humane to not make a child in the first place.
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