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The guy who won't stop drinking and partying into his 40s or 50s and waxes nostalgic about college?
The empty nest couple who find themselves totally unprepared for life without kids at home and just seem lost, so they try to micromanage the adult kids from a distance?
The woman who dresses and acts like she is in her 20s, gets lots of surgery, refuses to make commitments or admit her age is actually well beyond that?
I seem to have several of these types of people in my life. I am not talking about trauma survivors whose development was halted at a particular age, but people who just were comfortable in a certain life phase and have difficulty moving on, though time certainly does. Some of these are close family members and their behaviors can be disruptive.
Do you know anyone like this? What are the underlying causes of this behavior? How might a loved one who is "stuck" be gently helped to embrace their current life circumstances?
My husband has a childhood friend whose social-emotional development kind of capped out at 12-13. Also around the time when his abusive father left the family. He's in his forties, and after a massive-scale breakdown in his thirties, went back to living with his mom, where he has at least been safe, but has very much taken on the person a of a petulant, immature preteen again. He does display bipolar symptoms and evidently always has, but will not medicate or treat. He's not well. The arrested development is only one facet.
I had a former partner who was very hung up on obsessing on perceived slights dating back to when he was a high schooler/college student, well into his thirties, and fixated on "showing people," and "getting back at people who thought he wouldn't amount to anything." More of an obsessing with ruminating thing than a living in past glory/acting immature thing, but unhealthy, nonetheless.
In both these cases, familial abuse from a young age and mental health issues are/were factors.
I don't know anybody who is just stuck where they are because they're overly comfortable, though.
As was said in the previous post 'glory day syndrome'.
I think that we all have a certain period in our lives that is 'the best'. And when it is over many of this are not prepared for one reason or another.
I always feel like the best is yet to come, things keep improving and moving forward. I've had a good life, but every stage has been forward motion. While I have nostalgia for many things one may have nostalgia about, I never feel sad for the past being the past. It had its time and place.
It is possible that many who are stuck in glorifying past times overly much, as more than just fond reminiscence, are people who have some level of regret and dissatisfaction about life choices and trajectory, who look forward to less, etc.
As was said in the previous post 'glory day syndrome'.
I think that we all have a certain period in our lives that is 'the best'. And when it is over many of this are not prepared for one reason or another.
But why do you think some people just move on and others can't?
I know someone who lost their mom and acts like they are still in college. For years I thought that mom must have passed when the person was IN college and that was why they were stuck. But I found out mom passed when they were 32! So this was clearly not the reason for the frat party behavior into the 40s.
Personally, I always think he best is yet to come in my life. I never look back and think "wow, that was SO much better! I wish I was still doing that." And I have definitely had trauma, loss and fortunes change overnight. I just keep looking forward. So I kinda don't get it, though i see it a lot.
I always feel like the best is yet to come, things keep improving and moving forward. I've had a good life, but every stage has been forward motion. While I have nostalgia for many things one may have nostalgia about, I never feel sad for the past being the past. It had its time and place.
It is possible that many who are stuck in glorifying past times overly much, as more than just fond reminiscence, are people who have some level of regret and dissatisfaction about life choices and trajectory, who look forward to less, etc.
Exactly. This is how I feel too.
Of course, I have things I regret. But I don't dwell on them. I think people do try to "fix" the past by repeating it. Maybe that is part of it? I find that some people don't even realize their patterns.
It also takes a certain amount of measured perspective to look at the past realistically, and not exclusively with rose colored glasses.
I imagine some look at, say, college, with overriding feelings of being young, relatively unfettered by life's responsibilities, free to act in a certain way with minimal negative consequence, peers at one's fingertips, an easy social scene, etc. I do, too, but I also remember being broke, having little practical,world experience, being insecure and less confident, having less access to loads of possibilities out in the non college world, etc., which tempers the good ol' days nostalgia a bit with a dose of reality that it was also good to move on from that world.
Because the learning curve to get out of a rut, is useless when there is just going to be failure. The final blow is having friendships / health providers that are enablers.
Tabula Rasa struck a note talking about trauma and failure to mature. I have often heard it said that people who develop addictions stay emotionally stuck at the age they were when they began to practice their addiction. From observance I think there is some truth in that. I think that might be a biochemical influence.
But I don't think it's the only reason. As mentioned some people seem to make a conscious choice to maintain a time in their life when perhaps they felt the most confident.
I also think there are people who have so little insight that it's simply comfortable, thoughtless habit. It never occurred to them to venture out of the familiar.
My husband has a cousin whom we secretly refer to as "stuck in the Fifties." She's now an old lady who still tapes her bangs and rolls her bobby sox. (It's actually kind of cute.)
Perhaps they saw all their friends or relatives "move on to the next phase", and didn't like what they saw. So as a result, they don't want to end up the same way; they want to be "better", or at least different. And some people just aren't cut out for "the next phase" a.k.a. marriage. Wouldn't it be better for them to stay single than to end up miserable for the rest of their lives? Or at least delay "the next phase" until they get the current phase out of their system for good?
And what's so bad about having your cake and eating it too? Namely, the fun of your 20's and the confidence of your 30's. Furthermore, some people never had their "glory days" at an appropriate age. Be it due to shyness, lack of money, living in the wrong environment, all three, or some other reasons. So might as well let them catch up and live it out, before it's too late.
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