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The act of forgiveness tells the offending person that their actions are not important enough to affect you. It also makes you feel better to get anger, etc out of your system.
Maybe if you're talking about a minor offense like badmouthing you behind your back or cheating on you in a relationship. If some thug rapes and kills your daughter, his actions did and forever will be important enough to affect you. That's reality. The best you can do is put it in a little box so that your focus moving forward is on the important people still in your life.
One simple reason; holding a grudge prevents mutually advantageous ties in the future. Sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I disagree. some people cant and dont deserve to be forgiven.. I just put them out of my life.and they dont ever get back in.... life is too short to suffer fools.
I want to start with defining the term "forgive" or "forgiveness". The dictionary has many definitions but I like this one the best: To cease tohave feelings of anger, resentment or bitterness toward (an offender). A radio therapist once said that "you have forgiven when it no longer hurts or hurts less" and that has been my experience with "forgiving".
So by that definition, to "forget" means the same as to "forgive". If that's the case, then I think we have two sides here saying the same thing but at odds over semantics. The side saying forgiveness is necessary in order to let go and move on, and the side saying there are other ways to let go and move on. Your position seems to be saying that any way that allows you to let go and move on equates to "forgiveness" whether or not you have thought about it in those terms.
This seems to be commonly assumed to be true - and maybe it is - but do you have any research data for it? Personally, I've known more people who couldn't get over an incident because they were the offender and consumed by guilt and needed "forgiveness" than the other way around.
Right. But it's starting to sound like many are defining that as unspoken "forgiveness".
That's because forgiveness is one of those areas where people feel perfectly all right preaching at each other. Everyone's definition must fit their definition, and if it doesn't, the nonconformists need a good sermon to bring their definition into social compliance. Forgiveness logically implies some level of reconciliation, or openness to same, above and beyond letting go of antipathy. I find the whole thing like a sort of gravity well in that there's such pressure to swallow the conventional narrative (that forgiveness is for you not the wrongdoer, that you must always forgive, that not forgiving is toxic) that people forget to question its basic sensibility.
I believe it is one of the toxic inheritances of a deeply theocratic society. In Christianity, forgiveness is a requirement, a core tenet directly related to one's own receipt of forgiveness. To question and doubt that would be to question one's religion, something many people simply will not do. It's an interesting case because the professional psychology and pop-psych/self-help fields and Christianity have made somewhat common cause here: they all agree that we always have to forgive. They stopped asking why, thinking that question moot. I like the OP's raising it.
Not that it bothers me if anyone wants to forgive whatever, for his or her own reasons. I'm not here to preach to him or her who s/he must not forgive. If that person wants my opinion on that, I trust s/he will ask for it. For me, the basis of forgiveness is regret I adjudge sincere and complete, honestly rendered, coupled with a strong commitment not to do in such a way again. I know that when I do someone wrong, I'm not going to bother apologizing unless I mean it enough to make it stick in terms of my conduct. A lame or insincere apology is often nearly as offensive as the original wrongdoing, because it tells the aggrieved that his or her feelings of hurt have so little validity that they do not require an actual apology.
They get angry because they can't control their anger.
Disappointment or frustration or being annoyed would be proper responses for losing a game or having bad weather or being stuck in traffic, or even getting cut off in traffic, rage is not.
But people can learn to control their rage and limit how they act out when they experience rage. For example a guy argues with his wife and punches the wall (preferable to punching or stabbing his wife for sure). Maybe the guy doesn't punch the wall next time, but goes out for a walk instead, so he doesn't have to spackle and paint the wall again.
People can learn to control their rage and anger and control their actions, and maybe even their feelings. They may still feel rage and express it, they may yell and argue, but they can control their actions and limit the damage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceangaia
Will you just get over your self-righteous nonsense?
You're simply wrong. People with anger issues have been that way all their life. They were the teenagers who blew up over having to do chores and follow rules and the little toddlers who threw tantrums. Very few people go from being calm natured to always angry over an incident in their life. Anger issues stem from one's frustration and anger at their inability to control the situation. It's a control issue.
Look around you at what these people get angry about and it's always about control. They get road rage because they can't control the traffic. They get angry when bad weather ruins their outdoor plans because they can't control the weather. They get angry when their sports team is losing because they can't control the game.
You always hear no matter what someone has done to you in the past, you should always be the "better person" and forgive them if they have done you wrong. Not necessarily forget or become their associate or friend, but like the old adage goes, "forgiveness is divine". I also see all types of memes on social media about this subject that mainly focus on forgiveness being a spiritual thing.
Now for me, I see no purpose for me to "forgive" someone who has done me wrong. I contemplate on it for awhile, even get angry about it, and basically just forget about it over a certain period of time. I have a few people in my life who who have done me wrong in the past who I will NEVER forgive and no one will ever change that. I think it is a healthy human trait to be upset/angry/mad at someone just as long as it doesn't control or consume your every thought and eventually takes a back seat in your mind over time on top of you LEARNING from that bad experience. If you hold certain thoughts in, it will consume you and that is not healthy IMO. I see no reason why we should forgive other than people of faith who look at it as a stepping stone for their own redemption.
Thoughts?
The forgiving is necessary for YOU to move past the hurt, and to lessen the pain of the wrong that was done to you. It does not erase the past, it only lessens the impact on you. Plus, have you not heard that:
(1) The best revenge is living well?
(2) Time heals all wounds?
(3) You should turn the other cheek?
First of all, I'm a little more preemptive about this than some...I rarely get angry in the first place. Even when I am wronged. Someone cheats on me, or lies to me? I'm not angry. I am asking, "Why did you feel you needed to do that?" and "Well, now what?" I am generally calm about such things. My kids rarely made me angry. I just don't get angry easily.
My teenage son stole from me, at one point last year. I was not angry, I was resigned to the fact that he needed to learn something and I needed to teach it. Others have wronged me in life in various ways and for various reasons. Most of the time I can see where their behavior comes from...I might let it go, compassionate for what has made them the person that they are. I might try to teach them by expressing how I felt. I might go so far as to shut them out of my life and ignore their presence in my world as much as I can, if I had no real reason to be connected to them anyways. A woman did something foolish that caused me a small physical injury, and I explained it to her. She became defensive, and began to make excuses, explaining why other factors besides her choice were clearly to blame. Had she simply said, "I am sorry" and tried to connect with me in a compassionate way, and not a defensive one, we would be friends today. Instead, I let my gaze slide across her like she is not there and have not spoken a word to her since. It is not a big deal, but I as the aggrieved party will not be the one to make amends, if such is necessary. But we were barely acquainted to begin with, so who cares?
For those few things that have made me genuinely wrathful, I cannot say that I'm good at forgiveness. Reading about animal abusers in news articles, I feel an anger. An anger that goes nowhere, beyond a fantasy of violent action toward the person who committed the act. Do I forgive them? Heck no. Rapists and harmers of children? Same. I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on these individuals whether I know them or not...but if the thought of one arises, I feel a growly feeling in my throat and an angry wish to rid the world of such a horrible person. I cannot forgive some things. I don't want to. And I don't think that I need to.
But when it comes to my typical behavior, I am so conflict avoidant that my habit is just to shut out those who vex me, whether I forgive them or I don't. I would never start a fight with someone just to prove that I'm right and they're wrong and they need to apologize. I generally don't carry around poisonous energy, I stop caring completely.
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