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I struggle at 25 with my relationship with my parents. I am extremely close with them and love them so much, but I have an independent life I have built for myself. I live an hour and a half from them in my own place. I am lonely sometimes, but I have friends and such in the area.
My mother is quite sensitive about me and my decisions of how I spend my time. She wants me to spend it all with her, or at least I feel that way, but she insists she wants me to have friends and such. Sometimes when I am visiting her, and I mention wishing I was back at my house so I could do something with my friends, she gets offended.
I sometimes struggle thinking that maybe we are too close. She is my best friend and all, but even an ex of mine grew angry that I talked to her on the phone every night for a long time. Like right now I am off from work for the week and spending time at her house with her. I was planning half my week to be with her and half to be at my home seeing friends. She has now guilted me into staying the whole week with her, and she gets a little offended when I want to go off and see people my own age. She acts like I am picking them over her, when that isn't the case. When I tell her that I built my life far away, she immediately says "well that was your decision."
I got my job where I live. I unfortunately did not get a job right near where she lives. Another example is I wanted to go to a concert with my friends on a certain weekend. That particular weekend is one where my father and brothers go away on a guys trip every year and she is alone. Normally she likes it when I come stay with her then. But I could not control the concert being that night, down where I live. She was sort of mad when I told her my plans of spending that weekend with my friends, since it was always our weekend. I couldn't get the tickets for the concert, but if I did, was planning on going.
Even most recently, I was seeing a new man. I was excited about it and things were going well. Sunday was mothers day. I always see her on mothers day, but had told her I was unsure if I was going to be able to. Saturday I spent time with my guy at his house. I planned on going home Sunday to see her. I ended up sleeping over my guys house, we woke up late, and then I drove to see her. I strolled in a little before noon. She was so mad. And then even more mad when I told her I stayed over his house. She was mad I didn't spend more time with her, or the whole weekend. I had to leave at 6, to go home, because I had work the next day.
I could see why she was mad, but I also have my own life. Most of my friends saw their mothers for a few hours that day and that was it. She is so supportive of me and wants me to find a nice guy, but she has openly said she is afraid once I find a man, that she won't see me as much. And truth be told, that is most likely true. But I can't not live my life. I want to date and meet a man and live MY life, not my family's life.
When I try to pull away and gain some distance from my family in any way, my mother specifically, she sees it as insulting and me slapping her in the face. She and my father do a lot for me. I have a great job, apartment, and such, which I pay for on my own. I have a lot of student loans, which sometimes make it hard. They will occasionally throw me some money for gas and groceries when they can to help me. I appreciate it immensely. I try and do little things for them here and there when I can too. I'm 25. I just feel like I am way too close to my family. I think my parents are the best in the world and they do so much for me. I appreciate it all. I try here and there to buy them things to make them happy, or surprise them in little ways. I try to be good to them too. I know my mom sometimes buys me things because she is a good person, but sometimes I feel like its to keep me close to her. I don't want that relationship. Occasionally I feel like she only helps me to keep me close and to say "we always help you." I know she doesn't mean it in a manipulative way. But she expects so much from me, and my time, and energy. I told her I wanted to go home Thursday of this week. Now she wants me to stay really long. I told her I had to pick up a package at the post office Thursday. She insisted I go pick it up, the 1.5 hours away, and then come back here. Its insane. Thats so much driving.
It's just a matter of setting and maintaining boundaries, but because of the extent of your codependence with your mom, you will need professional guidance to learn how to do that.
OP, you allowed your Mother to *pull you into staying all week* which is prettier words than you allowed your Mother to
guilt you into staying.
If you are going to be an adult then be an adult and live your life as you choose and spend the amount of time with your
parents that you choose. Quit allowing your Mother to control your life.
It's just a matter of setting and maintaining boundaries, but because of the extent of your codependence with your mom, you will need professional guidance to learn how to do that.
^^This.
OP -
FWIW, I love my mom, I have a great relationship with my mom but my mom is not my best friend. If you truly consider your mom your best friend - and not just using it as a throw away phrase - that could be the root of your issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by amkxoxo
I told her I had to pick up a package at the post office Thursday. She insisted I go pick it up, the 1.5 hours away, and then come back here. Its insane. Thats so much driving.
Uh huh. And you told her exactly that, and you would not be returning, right?
I was seeing a counselor for a very long time. I only recently stopped because she was going on a long summer vacation. I think some of my own issues contribute to this problem. I have severe issues with loneliness and being/feeling alone. I live alone. I have some good friends, but friends aren't around 24/7. I have a great family, a nice car, job, apartment. I feel like I have a lot of stuff. I have a slight buying shopping problem, and looking at it, its probably because it makes me happy to buy and have new things, but then that fades and I end up with all this great stuff, but alone and lonely.
I was dating a guy for over a month who ghosted me. I remember him saying he barely had one photo of him by himself. I look at my computer and most of my photos I am alone. Posing alone at the beach. Posing alone at a park. Alone. My brother won't even take a picture with me. Even when I am with my family and friends, I feel unsure, unhappy, and lonely.
Well of course you feel unsure of yourself ; you have a smothering mother.
Develop yourself; find a hobby or join a club or do volunteer work so you have things going on you look forward to.
Go see your mom one weekend every other month. Call her once a week. Loosen those apron strings. Don't forget important dates. But loosen those apron strings.
And here is a thought: maybe your mom has the same fears about being alone. Perhaps she has never developed strong interests or hobbies, and she is relying on you for friendship. Do you want to end up like her?
Your mom is wrong on making you feel like you need to spend more time with her. Does she have friends. I love my daughter and I think she loves me but she has her life and her friends and we don't agree on a lot of stuff.
It will work out but don't be tied down to guilt. J
I couldn't read through all that. Your mother has a problem, and it's her problem, not yours. She wants you to revolve around her, which is completely unreasonable. She can't bear to see you fly out of the nest to your own world, and become an independent adult. This should not become your problem. Your job is to set up an adult life on your own, with your own friends, activities and interests, not emotionally caretake your mom. Being close is one thing, but she shouldn't be guilting you, and making demands.
Does she show other signs of narcissism? Does she expect others to revolve around her, as well? What about your dad?
Adult children who don't separate effectively from their parents have a very tough time later in life, when their parents pass away. They also tend to have trouble making, and keeping, good friends and romantic partners. You need to learn to be your own person, OP, and not use your mom as a crutch.
And what's so unfortunate about the fact that you took a job near your place, rather than near your mom? That makes no sense. You did the right thing. Why are you second-guessing your choice, or beating yourself up about it? That's not normal. Just saying.
You trying to be close to your mother is not bad at all, you are an independent person, but also keep in touch with her and there is nothing wrong with that.
You mother is the one that doesn't want to understand that you must have an independent life. She wants to tie you to her. The best way to deal with this is to not pay much attention to her. If you don't feel going to her house or talking to her an entire night, then don't do it. She cannot force you to do it, remember this.
I couldn't read through all that. Your mother has a problem, and it's her problem, not yours. She wants you to revolve around her, which is completely unreasonable. She can't bear to see you fly out of the nest to your own world, and become an independent adult. This should not become your problem. Your job is to set up an adult life on your own, with your own friends, activities and interests, not emotionally caretake your mom. Being close is one thing, but she shouldn't be guilting you, and making demands.
Does she show other signs of narcissism? Does she expect others to revolve around her, as well? What about your dad?
Adult children who don't separate effectively from their parents have a very tough time later in life, when their parents pass away. They also tend to have trouble making, and keeping, good friends and romantic partners. You need to learn to be your own person, OP, and not use your mom as a crutch.
And what's so unfortunate about the fact that you took a job near your place, rather than near your mom? That makes no sense. You did the right thing. Why are you second-guessing your choice, or beating yourself up about it? That's not normal. Just saying.
This is what I'm worried about. I do sometimes have a hard time keeping friends and lots of problems with romantic relationships. I take rejection extremely hard, to the point where I get depressed. I tend to end up clinging to men who aren't in a place for a relationship. They like me a lot, but they either are just out of another relationship, moving away, trying to be super successful, and just don't have it in them. I recently got ghosted by a guy. He was telling me he liked me so much and I thought things were so great. It did crush me.
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