"That's Just Who I Am" Excuse (girlfriend, college, people)
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Just recently had a bout with a friend who suddenly said 'That's just who I am' about 3 times.
It sounded as if he got that concept from the counselor/therapist he has sessions with weekly.
I've known this person for years and he's never said that before. But suddenly he is sort of proudly proclaiming it. Not sure where he would have heard the concept & phrase unless it's suddenly a widely-used concept that lots of other people are using these days....
Anyway, I knew I needed to break off the friendship for other reasons, and he saying 'that's just who I am' 3 times just added to my reasons.
My feeling is that even though one may think 'that is just who I am' one does NOT need to let whatever it is CONTROL the person in their life nor does it mean one needs to act on it in one's life.
My feeling is that even though a person may think 'that is just who I am' he does NOT need to let whatever it is CONTROL his own behavior nor does it mean he needs to act on it in his life.
Frankly I use the phrase or something similar from time to time, not to excuse my bad behavior, but in the face of the bad behavior of others.
People who biotch about how I am dressed or how I choose to live my life or the fact that I was a single working mother "taking a job away from some man who needs it to support his family" or any other dumb thing that interfering jerks come up with to try to dominate or control others.
And it IS an invitation "take it or leave it". I wear sandals year round. Think it's "too informal"? That's how I roll. Deal with it. You think not wearing makeup means I'm "letting (myself) go"? Fine. I'm "letting myself go" my own direction.
And yes, under these circumstances, it IS "all about me" and no, your opinion does NOT matter.
I can't recall ever saying "Just keepin' it real" and can't imagine a situation where I would say that (at least not without considerable sarcasm). Reality doesn't need our help.
But "I am who I am"? Perfectly good response to interfering jerks.
"That's just who I am" is TRUE because it IS who they are. Not everyone will be polite, courteous, well mannered, and treat you well all the time. Maybe you insulted and offended them in some way, and they are bad at hiding their disdain for you.
Fifteen years ago, I had a boss who made me hate myself because she kept telling me everything I was doing was rude and offensive. It was what I said and how I said it, she said. She said it out of love, but NO ONE wants to be judged like that. I walked on eggshells around her because I was scared of saying anything to her because I was afraid she was going to tell me I was rude. It was a TERRIBLE time for me working for her. Terrible for my self esteem and terrible for me emotionally. I cannot help my inherent personality.
Today, I am the same as I was 15 years ago, except that no one in my workplace calls me out for anything I say or do. And I do not call them out for anything they say or do either, and believe me, I'm not the only rude one here.
But the "I'm keeping it real" is a terrible excuse.
I agree with your post, and am sorry you had to go through that! We all have issues of some sort. Personally, I find comfort in routine and my first reaction to unexpected change is "Fight or Flight". Thank God my boss knows this about me, and knows my little temper tantrum/whine fest when I come into work to find the desks re-arranged will be short lived. She laughs and hugs me and 5 minutes later I talk myself off the ledge, look at it again, come in and say "you know, it actually is much better this way".
My last ex on the other hand, would have gotten mad at me, when I really can't help that initial reaction.
Re: the bolded, I am trying to tell my bf this, because he is always getting mad at people when they have shown them who they are multiple times. My bf is a caretaker type, and he worries about his roommate, who has a progressive disease but is so far okay. He cooks for him all the time, even though his roommate doesn't eat it half the time and doesn't ask for nor expect it. But my bf will get angry all the time that his roommie doesn't do dishes or clean the house. It truly IS just how he is, he is lazy and depressed probably, and ill, and he will use a dirty dish himself rather than even rinse one off!
I say "how long have you been roommates?" and he says "4 years" or whatever it is, and I ask "has he ever done one single dish in all that time?" and the answer is "no", so I ask why he keeps expecting that next time he might do them?
Most of our suffering is caused by resisting what is. Trying to change someone is resistance and causes suffering, because we can't change others. I learned this the hard way in past relationships when the man TOLD me "I'm not good at relationships (i.e. commitment) and I pushed ahead anyway - my later suffering was MY choice as he told me who he was, I just didn't want to believe him.
The point isn't even that the roommie SHOULD do them, of course he should. But he's not going to, that IS "just who he is". My bf has 3 choices: 1. kick him out (he won't, they love each other like bros), 2. Stop care-taking him and thus getting resentful he doesn't reciprocate, or 3. Accept he's not changing. Cook if you want to, but do it for you and not because you expect something from him in exchange.
The reason it's important is because in refusing to accept "that's just who he is" it causes my bf suffering, while acceptance to the truth of who people are ends the constant stress of resistance.
Not giving excuses to people, and no one should use this as an excuse to mistreat someone or fail to keep their word or anything like that.
The people who "announce" who they are so they can use this as an excuse to hurt people ("hey, I'm blunt and honest, that's just who I am") are IMO, passive-aggressive. When I was online dating, I gave wide berth to profiles that said things like "I am brutally honest" because that usually translates to "I am judgemental and mean".
Being accepted for who you are does not mean you get to go around hurting people or not taking responsibility for hurting someone.
"That's just who I am, I am a blunt person, it's all tough love, and I'm just keeping it real." Anyone using those terms are just looking for reasons to be crappy towards people. You can talk to someone without being an ass.
Face it, we all have different backgrounds and sometimes what we know may be acceptable to us because we have known (or not known) that all our lives.......but we may be in a current sphere where it is not acceptable.
I recall when my police dispatcher from Louisiana talking about "Leroying it" which immediately got raised eyebrows from myself and the Chief. It was the way she had been raised and hence we could understand her side of it but it was a quite unacceptable way to talk in the Navy of the 80s and hence, we had to correct her of it.
I've been there too a time or two or more. Given my dateless background as a teen, I do not necessarily know (do because I am probably still lacking a lot of knowledge) all the things that should not be said about relationships. Once I said something that was inappropriate that another officer took me aside and told me that the usual response to that was a punch in the mouth. Since I would not know the reason for the "justified" (in standard social circles) attack, well, how would you expect a HtH expert to respond to a perceived unprovoked attack?
So understand where they might be coming from but get the message across of what is and is not acceptable.
Face it, we all have different backgrounds and sometimes what we know may be acceptable to us because we have known (or not known) that all our lives.......but we may be in a current sphere where it is not acceptable.
I recall when my police dispatcher from Louisiana talking about "Leroying it" which immediately got raised eyebrows from myself and the Chief. It was the way she had been raised and hence we could understand her side of it but it was a quite unacceptable way to talk in the Navy of the 80s and hence, we had to correct her of it.
I've been there too a time or two or more. Given my dateless background as a teen, I do not necessarily know (do because I am probably still lacking a lot of knowledge) all the things that should not be said about relationships. Once I said something that was inappropriate that another officer took me aside and told me that the usual response to that was a punch in the mouth. Since I would not know the reason for the "justified" (in standard social circles) attack, well, how would you expect a HtH expert to respond to a perceived unprovoked attack?
So understand where they might be coming from but get the message across of what is and is not acceptable.
I don't think it's you we are talking about. Anything said or done out of simply not having an understanding of norms IS excusable, and people should IMO accept that you're going to mess up sometimes and not hold it against you.
I think it's more the person who deliberately says or does something rude, like tell someone they're getting fat, then when the rest of the group says he's being rude and hurtful he says "Hey, I tell it like it is, that's just who I am"
No, that person is simply mean and passive-aggressive, neither of which are inborn traits.
I don't think it's you we are talking about. Anything said or done out of simply not having an understanding of norms IS excusable, and people should IMO accept that you're going to mess up sometimes and not hold it against you.
I think it's more the person who deliberately says or does something rude, like tell someone they're getting fat, then when the rest of the group says he's being rude and hurtful he says "Hey, I tell it like it is, that's just who I am"
No, that person is simply mean and passive-aggressive, neither of which are inborn traits.
As I recall, I made a non serious comment about his wife doing, in a future, something bi.
I put it down to that with my limited social background, I don't always appreciate how serious things are between husband and wife. That with my limited social background, I say things in a way that isn't diplomatic with many people and for that matter, is probably misunderstood. That I say things which are probably best left unsaid.
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