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^^^ Yep. Some people just need to be put in their place sometimes, and trying the "turn the other cheek" routine simply shows weakness on your part. If I feel confronted by someone, or if someone is rude to me, the little devil on my left shoulder takes over and I let them know what they are doing isn't going to fly. I refuse to be anyone's whipping boy, and it feels great to stand up for yourself, especially if you look them square in the eyes and say "Uh, no, that is not going to happen !"
Try it, you will feel so much better than letting them walk all over you.
Actually, letting people walk all over you is what's known as "idiot compassion" in Buddhist circles. Practicing compassion doesn't mean being a doormat. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is set clear boundaries. Setting boundaries is not "being mean", or letting the little devil on your shoulder take over. It's showing people the boundaries they need to learn. Similar to the concept of "tough love".
Sometimes the issue isn't that anyone is being rude at all. It's just the perception of the "offended" party. For example, some perceive that it's rude when anyone questions them and expect others to agree 100% with their opinions and agendas. There are a lot of people who make questionable statements and then get their hackles up when asked for actual data to prove their statements. In those cases, they may perceive that the questioner is being rude when in fact they're asking perfectly reasonable questions. The Politics and Other Controversies Board is full of this behavior, but is by no means the only one on CD that is.
Ruth4Truth, how can smiling at or saying a kind word to "some people" "get you mowed down?" A smile costs nothing and, if rejected, is the other person's loss.
Con artists can't con you without your consent. Once you have experience in setting boundaries you are free to dispense courtesy to one and all.
That doesn't mean not exercising caution. A few good rules - avoid conversations with "iffy" people, don't involve money or possessions, keep an eye out for others' emotional state and read the cues, be aware of your surroundings. The usual things you'd do anywhere.
Kindness doesn't mean giving stuff away. To me it means acknowledging and respecting another's personhood.
If you can trust yourself not to be suckered and never give away anything you don't care about losing you are free to be kind.
Edited after Ruth4Truth's last post: Yes, I agree. You don't need to use the "little devil" at all once you practice learning to set boundaries.
Treating people with loving kindness will only get you mowed down by some people; not only people with personality disorders, but outright con artists may zero in on you.
Only if you let them.
This is the whole problem, "don't be kind as people will take advantage of you". I call total BS on that. If you let people take advantage of you, that is ONLY your fault. You can only control one person, and that is YOURSELF.
Being nice to people doesn't mean losing your shirt.
On the other had, don't be nice to people.....they'll mow you down anyway so why try. Then what do you, yourself, become? The mower/a$$hole
I agree with much of what you say. Except when I was nice to everyone, I found you can fill up your life with people who are obnoxious jerks, because they flock to you since everyone else avoids them. So if you're kind and caring to everyone, soon you're surrounded by people you can't stand, and the wonderful interesting people are over there in a conversation on the other side of the room, free from the jerks that are now following you around like flies.
I've perfected a peaceful poker face, and extricate myself from situations with jerks as quickly as possible. Because if you "kill them with kindness", you send the wrong message of rewarding them for their antisocial behavior and then you have someone who thinks he's your friend.
No thanks.
Being kind and caring doesn't mean you're forced to hang out with obnoxious jerks or be surrounded by people you can't stand. You just don't associate with them. Seriously, not being a A***hole is not the same as being a pushover. I've very kindly and caringly told someone "no" plenty of times.
You know, I practiced kindness in the workplace many times, and it never came back to haunt me. I did win some people over.
I am not talking about being a pushover or a patsy. I am talking about being considerate and not returning bad for bad. I once had someone steal a schedule that I had worked hard on doing. I know it was a certain person. I just redid the schedule, and continued being cordial and professional. We were on good terms in a few months.
And some people do have mental health conditions that prevent them from returning kindness for kindness. You won't win everyone over, all the time. I think the article was a bit simplistic. The author adjusted his attitude and was successful. Life doesn't always work that way. But kindness is best in almost all situations.
I've been working on being kinder myself. This is something that does not come naturally to me.
You don't have to "win" negative interactions with difficult people to prevail in the long run. It's normal to want to have a comeback when someone makes a cutting remark. Those folks are just looking for someone to argue with because they're not happy.
I used to do that, the problem was I would go overboard and say something 10X worse and then feel bad. Now, I just laugh or ignore the person.
This is the whole problem, "don't be kind as people will take advantage of you". I call total BS on that. If you let people take advantage of you, that is ONLY your fault. You can only control one person, and that is YOURSELF.
Being nice to people doesn't mean losing your shirt.
On the other had, don't be nice to people.....they'll mow you down anyway so why try. Then what do you, yourself, become? The mower/a$$hole
A$$holes stink, i don't want to be one.
No, they won't. The people who only go for those they've identified as easy marks would avoid you.
It strikes me that we're all misreading the thread title: "Kill 'em with kindness". That is, kill them, but do it in a kindly manner.
lol! Now that's a fresh take....
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I refuse to be anyone's whipping boy, and it feels great to stand up for yourself, especially if you look them square in the eyes and say "Uh, no, that is not going to happen !"
