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I was at a counter eating lunch immediately next to a young couple who appeared to be in their early 20s. The guy was trying to reason with the woman who was expressing just a general feeling of frustration, irritation and anger for which she did not understand the source. Best I could gather it was just this pervasive feeling and she couldn't control it and it was making her miserable. Her boyfriend was clearly frustrated too because he couldn't reason her out of her feeling.
Honestly? My heart broke for her. I wanted to tell her she wasn't alone and that some therapy might help and to continue if she was already going - and to give her my copy of "The Pocket Pema Chodron" that was in my purse. I never felt consistent feelings of anger and irritation, but anxiety has been my constant companion for a long time. Her problem sounded like a variation of it. I knew better than to butt in, but it did leave me wondering at what point do you console someone you don't know who has not asked for consolation but is clearly distressed?
I guess years ago I ran into a similar situation on the NYC subway, watching a teenaged girl who was sitting silently in her seat with tears just streaming down her face the entire ride uptown. Wanted to say something encouraging then, but figured I should butt out.
Curious about other people's experiences and whether they did in fact reach out to a stranger in such a moment and how it was received. I've never felt comfortable doing it.
It is appropriate to offer kindness or compassion as an act of humanity anytime you are not giving advice but simply asking or offering basic concern or care. There really is no down side to asking a crying stranger if they are okay, or a simple "I'm sorry, I hope your day goes better". I now live life more concerned about not giving a sh** to a stranger in distress, after something that transpired way back about 20 years ago. I was at a park sitting next to a woman my same age, our babies were playing in the little toddler area in front of us, she had heavy sunglasses on although it was late afternoon and kind of overcast. I could palpably sense a deep profound sadness and kept feeling I should at least say something anything to let her know she wasn't alone. I took the selfish route the excuse of "shouldn't butt in".... I knew that was a b.s. excuse- because simply offering a gesture of kindness or care isn't butting in. It was about my wanting to be selfish and easier to just sit there. The only small talk we made was each other's name and our kids name and age. It would've been perfect opportunity for me to say "is everything okay-- do you need someone to talk to?" That's what I to this day regret NOT having said. A few weeks later I saw in the paper that a woman named "Reya" had gone to a local ten story hotel one day with her toddler and jumped out one of the top floor windows. A later article explained she had been suffering profound depression for the past few months, mainly driven by being trapped in an abusive marriage. I'm not saying it would've prevented it, however let's be honest- it could have. Because I selfishly never reached out to her that day, I don't know how that could have transpired- what it could've led to or meant to her. Lesson learned the hard way. She actually survived but her body had multiple fractures and injuries. There was in one of the articles mentioned where she was hospitalized and this time I did what I should've done he first time-- I picked out a small trinket an angel figurine and went to the hospital. The nurse asked who I was and I explained, she asked "Reya" and the sister who was visiting her if it was okay and they said sure. I went in to let her know I was so sorry of what happened and she slowly then remembered meeting me that day, I only stayed maybe five minutes-- she expressed a lot of appreciation for my concern and her sister came up and told me thank you so much. She was not right mentally, very profoundly depressed, but still through that I could see her relief and happiness that someone cared. I wish to this day I had expressed it to her that day at the park and won't ever know how much of a difference it could've made, but I know not doing anything offered no help to her whereas reaching out to her greatly could have. Again, lesson learned. Nowadays if I come across the rare person who is in visible distress I put my own selfish tendency to want to be apathetic to the side and reach out and the handful of times I have not one person has ever been offended or upset by a gesture of kindness/ humanity... in fact people always respond to that with thankfulness or a kind of relief trust someone cares. Why not- it's part of the job description of being himan
One time, when I was separated from my first husband, and heart broken over it, I was at the park with my kids, and I just started crying. Not wailing, but I had tears in my eyes that needed to be wiped away.
A lady came and set on the bench next to me and asked me what was wrong. I briefly told her what was up. She took my hand, and she prayed for me.
I thought it was a supreme act of kindness, and I hope I never forget it.
Well, once a long time ago, I heard a young mother going off on her toddler who was sitting captive in a shopping cart, and I told her she needed to get hold of herself. I think I told her with great emphasis twice. The thing is, I was sick and shopping for meds that afternoon. I never would have said anything if I hadn't been sick, and my resistance to interfering had not been weakened.
The thing is, my mom used to go off on us kids and I think I was responding to my memories of that. The woman was clearly not in total control. She was venting on a little child who was not the reason for her frustrations really.
In general, I don't mind helping people by opening doors or reaching on the top shelf. I don't usually reprimand people in public though.
My dad kept ending up in a rehab/skilled nursing facility over and over. After yet another frustrating visit, I walked out to the parking lot and saw a woman standing on the curb looking disoriented and upset. She looked totally worn out; defeated. I asked if she needed help. She started sobbing and told me about her mother who was also being cared for there and how upset she was....the cost, family conflicts over it, her mother's attitude, all of it. I felt my heart going out to her, my own tears on my face, putting my arms around her and just listening. We talked for a while, commiserated, shared tissues, and were even able to smile a little. I will never forget this lovely person and how shyly gracious she was. Two complete strangers ended up feeling as if there was a little bit of hope after all.
My dad kept ending up in a rehab/skilled nursing facility over and over. After yet another frustrating visit, I walked out to the parking lot and saw a woman standing on the curb looking disoriented and upset. She looked totally worn out; defeated. I asked if she needed help. She started sobbing and told me about her mother who was also being cared for there and how upset she was....the cost, family conflicts over it, her mother's attitude, all of it. I felt my heart going out to her, my own tears on my face, putting my arms around her and just listening. We talked for a while, commiserated, shared tissues, and were even able to smile a little. I will never forget this lovely person and how shyly gracious she was. Two complete strangers ended up feeling as if there was a little bit of hope after all.
I understand the OP's hesitation to speak up. If I may add, especially these days. But the successful replies so far (about when people have spoken up) seem to indicate that it's often a good idea to do so.
Maybe the trick is to speak up briefly at first, in order to measure the response. Then go forward if response is positive. Something like "you're not alone, I've felt that way also" or "can I give you this booklet? It helped me and many people I know"
Hope this reply helps. More of these small acts of kindness would be good. I think they happen often, we just don't often know about them.
Considering OP was listening in on the conversation of the 2 individuals, I would say it would be inappropriate to reach out to them. I would be offended that OP was listening and willingly acknowledging it. Many people find the idea of therapy offensive also. Very possible outcome these days is "Butt out!"
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