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I just got an itemized handwritten letter from my mother about all the ways I've been mean to her by limiting contact with her. No mention of how I'm currently taking care of a father afflicted with increasing dementia. No queries about how he's doing. No queries about how my therapy is going. No sign of introspection. No response to my query about whether she was in therapy.
Just a long and numbered (though she used letters for sub-categories) rant about how I've been curt in my communications and haven't initiated contact. And a few martyring comments at the end about how she's sorry she wasn't the mother I wanted.
Thankfully, I have another therapy appointment in a few days. The therapist is a fan of no communication, but she warns that my mother will feed off of responses and non-responses, so it doesn't really matter.
And what about you and your mother going to counseling together with a family counselor? I am guessing though that no response to your query means it's not likely . ��
And what about you and your mother going to counseling together with a family counselor? I am guessing though that no response to your query means it's not likely . ��
Yep. Anyways, we're 2,000 miles away from each other. At my last therapy session, I discussed encouraging my mother to seek therapy herself, but there's been too much over the years. I have a visceral aversion to being in her presence. She can fix everything, but I still won't want to be around her. There's no foundation there. So I don't want her to think that her getting therapy means we'll be a typical mother and daughter duo one day. I just think she should do it for herself.
I had the same problem in that I was too far from my mother for us to go to counseling and work through anything. I finally stopped Responding to her negative emails and she just didn't care in the end and has once again cut me off. Your stating she should get therapy could mislead her into thinking things will be okay. Maybe you just need to let it go and keep a minimal contact, a polite distance and not respond to a list of criticism.
I had the same problem in that I was too far from my mother for us to go to counseling and work through anything. I finally stopped Responding to her negative emails and she just didn't care in the end and has once again cut me off. Your stating she should get therapy could mislead her into thinking things will be okay. Maybe you just need to let it go and keep a minimal contact, a polite distance and not respond to a list of criticism.
Yeah. I think that's the route I'm going to propose to my therapist and try to plan for. But it's complicated by the fact that my mother is physically closer to my family, so she can attempt to sabotage my relationships with them.
I don't feel any hostility for her - I just want her to stay away from me. I know her letter was basically her floundering and trying to get some sort of foothold in my life. I feel bad for her - she is very emotionally invested in the idea (not the reality) of having a doting daughter. Her particular brand of mental illness/personality disorder seems to be based on having a very fragile identity. I know she has suffered horribly, but she's also made me suffer, and I don't want her warping my life anymore. Even when we had lunch together the last time, she couldn't resist trying to rewrite incidents from my childhood. I knew what she was doing, but I can't help but think of all the times I just calmly accepted her version. I have to be constantly vigilant. It's just so damn exhausting.
It was funny - in this whole lead-up, there's been a faction of my friends asking me why I bothered to keep track of how long it had been since my mother contacted me. Well, this is the reason - waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was filled with self-doubt when I saw the envelope in my mail. And then I realized that was just the confirmation I needed that I wasn't the "crazy" one. An adult should not feel a visceral sense of dread when seeing a letter from her mother in the mail. My body has been telling me what I needed to know all along, and I was largely ignoring it for 40 years. (And often in situations unrelated to my mother, where I just kind of thought a sense of dread was part of having someone you loved in your life - a whole other can of worms.)
Have you set clear boundaries with your mother? I made it clear to my sister that if she kept calling me names and insulting me (I put up with it for 50 years) I woukd have to cut her off. In the end I cut her off with a clear understanding why.
What do you want in the end? Until your mother knows specifically what you want she will continue to flounder in mass confusion and panic. i don't see the comment about being the kind of mother you wanted as self martyring , I wasn't the kind of daughter my mother wanted and she certainly wasn't the kind of mother I wanted. So maybe part of your struggle is letting go of the expectations and just accept she is a very flawed person and you don't love or like her. Cutting someone off if they continue to abuse your stated boundaries is one thing but cutting off without this is not particularly healthy for you in the long run. If you want limited contact say so and set the boundaries and what will happen if those boundaries are abused. Just my humble opinion though
I debated not opening this one. I just read them to keep tabs on her mental state and what her next move might be. Maybe that's a bad idea. But as you pointed out, the fact that nonresponses and responses are just as likely to get her riled is kind of the worst part. I feel like I have some measure of preparedness if I know what direction she's heading in mentally.
All my life, she told me how narcissistic my father was. And he certainly is a narcissist. But she just sent me a 3-page letter itemizing all the ways I'd wronged her by not contacting her during a time of crisis in my life (even though I've responded whenever she reached out). As I've said before, she shows a lot of signs of BPD, and the whole narcissist-BPD relationship is a common phenomenon.
I just want to beg her to stay away from me and pretend we're strangers.
After Spuggy's responses, I'm wondering if there might not be value in setting up a session with a therapist and my mother and me when I return to my hometown next month - just to kind of have someone mediate what it is I want from her, which is for her to leave me alone. I'll have to talk to MY therapist about the idea, I guess.
well if your mother isn't willing to join you in a therapists office then you have one answer BUT at least it would help you carve out what you need to do next. All the best Jrz.
I just got an itemized handwritten letter from my mother about all the ways I've been mean to her by limiting contact with her.
Quote:
No mention of how I'm currently taking care of a father afflicted with increasing dementia. No queries about how he's doing. No queries about how my therapy is going. No sign of introspection. No response to my query about whether she was in therapy.
Just a long and numbered (though she used letters for sub-categories) rant about how I've been curt in my communications and haven't initiated contact. And a few martyring comments at the end about how she's sorry she wasn't the mother I wanted.
Thankfully, I have another therapy appointment in a few days. The therapist is a fan of no communication, but she warns that my mother will feed off of responses and non-responses, so it doesn't really matter.
I would shove everything I highlighted right back at her in a similar letter. NUMBER each point. Nothing else.
She doesn't deserve anything else by the sounds of it.
Good luck OP. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself and if that means limiting contact with her, then you have my full support and admiration.
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