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LOL, perfect. I agree he's a jerk, and you defend him. Yeah, you'll be stuck in this relationship forever. And you and your husband will scare away any friends and family that will come between you.
If you live in America, you have a choice to put up with this or not. It's always up to you. You can only change you. If he's mean to you - you're letting him be mean, because you're still there - letting him be mean.
You have lots of excuses not to take the advice you've already been given - wah, we can't afford therapy. How about a priest? Wah, my husband won't go.
Lots of excuses for staying right where you are.
Until you're ready to start looking at ways to stop it, as in setting boundaries and deadlines, you're not going to change a darn thing.
But, I don't think you really want to change anything. You just want a pity-party and as many participants or audience members for it as you can find.
I think you enjoy your role in the whoa is me saga.
Ouch! That's one scary situation.....We've been married 47 years, I can't imagine having to continually worry about making a mistake..we've both made them. We argue sometimes, yell sometimes, but I respect him and he respects me, bottom line. If you don't have that it just comes down to how long you want to put up with a bad marriage.
You are being abused. You are teaching your child that the acceptable response to abuse is to stay. There is a fundamental issue with the title of your post - you can't. You cannot change someone else's behavior. You can only change your behavior. Nothing I've read here gives me any indication that he wants to change his behavior.
His behavior is so out of line, it's makes me want to cry for you. He's a bully & an abuser. Am I reading correctly that you are going to maybe negotiate to have $30 a month to spend? Even though you're fine financially? Do you realize how pathetic that sounds? Why should you have to enter into a negotiation to buy yourself lunch once a month? Or a Starbucks? That's scary. Him getting mad about how you chose to spend your own money that you were gifted. You realize that was your money to spend however you want. Why shouldn't you have decided by yourself? It was a gift to you.
Your most recent post is basically you agreeing with him that you are the problem. Can you not see this? You're making excuses for him & buying into into the blame he is placing on you. You communicate quite well, as evidenced here. The problem is not you & you are in a dangerous situation. Perhaps not physically dangerous, but your self esteem has obviously already taken a hit & the longer you stay & allow this behavior to continue, your self respect & self esteem will continue to take hits, each & every day, until there's none left. Get out while you still have the ability to do so. He will eventually beat you down to the point that you will think you're worthless & you'll be unable to get out. This is mental & emotional cruelty.
What would you tell your best friend or your sister to do if she shared with you, what you've shared with us? Treat yourself with the same kindness & respect that you would give a close friend. It doesn't matter if you were making constant "mistakes", it is unacceptable to treat a spouse in a demeaning, condescending & belittling manner. Period.
PLEASE take a look at the signs of emotional abuse:
Thank you for your perspective. But I'm not really looking for people to just say, geez what a jerk. I need some new ideas about how to handle it. My moms only idea of a solution is a divorce, I want to try to work through this for our kid because he is an amazing father and we do have some very great times together still. This is not a make or break issue for me because anyone can change his or her own behavior if they are motivated. I'm looking for some insight or advice about a different way I might present my concerns to him to help guide him in the right direction.
The bolded assumes that he's rational, and not acting out on the basis of a personality disorder, which is an irrational thing. I think what people here are trying to say is that you're too optimistic, and the chances are that there is no magic button to find, that will cause him to reflect, and say, "Oh, ok. You're right, honey. I'm sorry for putting you through that."
Have you suggested couples counseling? Really what you're saying is that you're trying to save the marriage. He needs to realize that the situation has come to that. If he refuses to go, you know what that means. In the meantime, you can find some counseling for yourself; I guess you mentioned that earlier. It's wonderful that he's a great father. I just wish he could treat you as well as he does his son.
Honestly, my mother gave me that advice, to just shut my mouth and see if it reduces how long and drawn out our fights are.
THIS is very telling IMHO. Sounds as if no one taught you to stand up for yourself....or taught you that you do not have to tolerate abuse and insults. Sadly, this also makes me wonder if your upbringing set you up for life with a controlling domineering man. Your husband isn't the only one who needs to change. Some of the additional comments you've made in this thread also suggest this; "I don't make mistakes often" was one that stuck out. What do you consider making a mistake? Not getting a perfect score on shopping? Frittering away an extra $20? Not hanging on every command you've been given for living? These kinds of things are negligible to most loving people.
So, what may be the most important thing to learn isn't finding more ways to speak to your husband. Its finding better ways to SPEAK. Become a stronger speaker internally and externally and some of the problems here will get resolved. You don't have to become a shrew or aggressive, just wiser, strategic, and an emotional fortress.
Last edited by Parnassia; 09-16-2017 at 12:57 AM..
You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. You allow yourself to be belittled.
If I were you, I would get some counseling to help you with tools to get a spine.
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In the meantime, you can find some counseling for yourself; I guess you mentioned that earlier. It's wonderful that he's a great father. I just wish he could treat you as well as he does his son.
