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OP, I know exactly how you feel, around 30 everyone I was friends with starting having baybees, All of my friends and all of the wives friends. It seriously seemed like every-time a baby was announced it was like announcing that friend will no longer be around or wont include you in on baby activities which will consume their life. Since you dont have kids you no longer fit it. I will say I had a tougher time with it than my wife. She also had more female friends and her sister without any kids.
Fast forward 5 years, things are much better. I tried a little harder with the old friends that were willing to keep the friendship strong (although I did lower my expectations) and I reached out of the box a bit (found friends that were both younger and older) It seems weird at first hanging out with dudes that are 15 years old than you, but as long as you share a common interests its all good. This age group is past the "child consumes every moment of my life phase"
Also as my friends kids get older they seem to be coming back around to sanity, they look more forward to "adult time again"
At one point, the only reason I actually wanted to have kids was for the social aspect (that's how much it was affecting me) I am happy I stuck with the child free stance because that would have been a terrible reason to have kids.
Having my wife around also helped me get through this socially awkward period. I will say it made our relationship stronger as well.
The child free reddit forum gives me some comfort as a lot of people are in a similar situation if you can filter through the negativity.
While my son is having his first at 35, his older sister is an empty nester at 50. She and her husband are still young enough to enjoy life. At 50, my son will have teenagers. Everything's a trade off.
When I was a young dad I went to many social functions, uusually without the kids and although my wife shared photos of the kids with other moms, the dads never discussed children. We talked about current events or sports or our jobs. Maybe times have changed. There were guy subjects and girl subjects, the wives had their conversation and the guys had theirs. At any rate I wouldn't sweat it. If you go to concerts or a bar or club with your friends their kids won't be there. If you are at a party with music and drinking there probably won't be kids running around.
I think times have changed, it seems like the dads being so involved in the kids now it has consumed their lives like it has with the mothers. At least from what I have seen. Little johnny gets dragged along everywher, including breweries and functions that are typically adult only. I have had to come to grips with either inviting little johnny or risk losing friends.
Nope and it was even written up... quite a story here locally.
The Mom was a labor and delivery charge nurse and loved her job... she was very much resigned to not having children after trying for 5 years stopping at age 42... and then it happened 9 years later and she had just turned 50 shorty before they were born.
As mentioned... Dad has never been the same and has had a difficult adjustment... as life for him was just about as perfect as he could imagine... they were traveling and he was always a huge golf fan even back in High School... and attending a lot of major events...
The sad part is all the Grandparents had passed by the time the triplets were born and the family was small to begin with...
I can assure you it was IVF with donor eggs. Talk to any reproductive endocrinologist and he/she will tell you that this person did not naturally conceive triplets at age 50. If it's natural triplets at age 50, that would have made medical history and would be in a medical journal somewhere. The celebrities you see having babies in their 40s and 50s are using donor eggs also. They just don't talk about it and that's okay, they don't have to. But it gives other women false hope, thinking they have more time than they do.
At any rate, a woman's chance of conceiving with her own eggs drops down, almost to zero once she's 45. People shouldn't wait if they want to have bio children. Of course, they can consider adoption too. Donor egg IVF is very, very common nowadays. It's just not talked about.
In September 2007, I was still the "baby" of the family, even though I was three months away from my college graduation.
Fast forward to the present. I'm married to a great woman (both 32). All our siblings and most of our friends have kids now. For reasons I won't mention in this post, my wife feels she isn't ready to take that step just yet, and I respect that.
Unfortunately, every social function we attend these days serves as a clear reminder that we don't have kids: children running around, people grilling us on when we plan to have them, and so on.
We really feel like the odd couple, as we're one of the few -- if not the only-- childfree pairs at these occasions. It makes us feel isolated and different because we can't relate to half the stuff they talk about. And I can't seem to shake off this feeling of having "fallen behind" my peers because I'm not yet a dad.
Do/did you ever feel disconnected because you do/did not have children? How'd you deal with it?
I think of all the money we saved. I'm 51. We have zero regrets about not having children. I like kids and would babysit children who no longer wear diapers for a few days. I wonder how many of those parents at look at you and say, "They look so relaxed."
Having your own kid is cool (I guess) if that's what both of you want...but I don;t think you should focus on the kids at these functions. Have adult conversations with the adults. They'd probably enjoy it. With that said, if these other families only want to talk about kids...then perhaps it's time to expand your friendships to others who don't have children.
...into your mid-50s and still paying for college and grad school, scrimping and saving to pay for those adolescent drivers on your insurance policy, endless school expenses, clothing expenses, entertainment and dining expenses, haircuts, the list goes on and on...
...while your carefree, unencumbered, childless friends are truly enjoying married life with exciting vacations, private couple's time, and plenty of disposable income. Retirement is fully funded. The present is wonderful, and the future looks bright.
Be very careful what you wish for.
Or suicidal depression because you realize you will die alone in some nursing home being cared for by a minimum wage nurses aid. Think your friends are going to be their in your 50's or that your spouse will never get sick or die LOL. There is a reason our ancestors had LOTS of kids
Or suicidal depression because you realize you will die alone in some nursing home being cared for by a minimum wage nurses aid. Think your friends are going to be their in your 50's or that your spouse will never get sick or die LOL. There is a reason our ancestors had LOTS of kids
Before I got with my wife in 2005, I felt odd being the only one in my family who wasn't married, divorced, widowed, or in a serious relationship.
Now I feel that way since everyone has kids except me. Because I'm 7-8 years younger than my two sisters, I have always had to play catch-up.
It sounds like this is mostly in your head, OP. You have a tendency to compare yourself with your siblings, and label yourself as "odd" or "behind". I'm 5-7 years behind my siblings, but didn't pay much attention to what they were doing. I lived in my own world. It's never crossed my mind to feel like the odd one out, due to single status, no kids, or anything else.
I think this age is somewhat isolating regardless, kids or no kids. It's the time when you no longer are focused on your social life through school, and work rarely provides the ready-made social set of people from a relatively similar social class and interests and age that school does. Even when you have a lot in common with people at work, you yourself are more developed and it's harder to get deeper new friendships, especially if you have to move. It's not just kids that separate you but all kinds of other things.
On the one hand, we have a great social network borne out of connections with kids' friends and activities. On the other hand, that is very much reliant on networks of six-year-olds and those change. Childhood friendships are mercurial. Imagine asking an eight year old why he doesn't ever want to play with Jordan anymore... because you thought Jordan's mom was cool. But he says Jordan is "stupid" because Jordan apparently looked askance at his action figure. Or dreading a playdate because all the other moms are going to complain about something and you just. don't. care. The social interaction can be there without connection for parents as well.
I'm not complaining, but empathizing that middle age is when you have all the power but all of the responsibility.
You guys might find more people free to join you on kid-free events if you took some classes at the local college. Reach out and find new friends.
And if people are grilling you about having kids, ugh. Let them go for awhile, host a nice New Years party with advance notice so they can hire babysitters, heck you could even hire a nanny to watch the nursing babes while people dance (we do this though our own kids no longer need sitters), and just water those friendships enough to keep them alive. You can come back to those later.
My mom has childfree friends who were not super close when she and others were raising kids (they had actual lives LOL) but they are all close again now that small children don't make up the bulk of their days.
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