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In September 2007, I was still the "baby" of the family, even though I was three months away from my college graduation.
Fast forward to the present. I'm married to a great woman (both 32). All our siblings and most of our friends have kids now. For reasons I won't mention in this post, my wife feels she isn't ready to take that step just yet, and I respect that.
Unfortunately, every social function we attend these days serves as a clear reminder that we don't have kids: children running around, people grilling us on when we plan to have them, and so on.
We really feel like the odd couple, as we're one of the few -- if not the only-- childfree pairs at these occasions. It makes us feel isolated and different because we can't relate to half the stuff they talk about. And I can't seem to shake off this feeling of having "fallen behind" my peers because I'm not yet a dad.
Do/did you ever feel disconnected because you do/did not have children? How'd you deal with it?
No, never felt disconnected from the rest of the family because of that. But I'm not the only one; a cousin close to my age doesn't have kids either. Nobody grills us about personal stuff. They're polite enough not to do that. If that keeps happening at your family occasions, you should say, cheerfully, "Our answer hasn't changed since the last time you asked", and change the subject.
I think I feel more integrated into my family than I would with kids. With kids, you form your own little unit. I'm the crazy auntie to all my cousins' kids - they all want to hang with me. And of course, my cousins want to spend time talking with me too. Whenever I visit my hometown, it's an endless cycle of visiting and coffee guzzling.
People would ask when I was married, but it was never a big deal and never really made me feel uncomfortable..... Like JrzDefector, I wound up as the fun aunt that all of the younger nieces and nephews wanted to come stay with.....
In fact, when the ex and I split up, I missed the kids more than I did him.....
I think I feel more integrated into my family than I would with kids. With kids, you form your own little unit. I'm the crazy auntie to all my cousins' kids - they all want to hang with me.
This! My niece and nephews seemed to like "odd Auntie Al" because I was different or a bit unexpected. Maybe a little more so when they were younger, but I don't feel excluded. Parents often comment how much their kids like having me around. I've been able to do unusual things career-wise, live in unusual places, take out-of-the-ordinary trips or do odd things because I didn't have family realities to consider.
Sure, there are times I feel a bit out of touch because I can't share in the daily accomplishments or problems parents have. Though to be totally honest, have to admit to glazing over a little when parents I know dive off into the realm of kiddie life. In the small towns I've lived in you don't tend to be invited to or hear about upcoming activities because you are not part of the school social whirl. But, the truth is I was not cut out to be a parent even if I had been able to. I enjoy most other people's kids, enjoy volunteering with school programs and the local library reading groups, but deep in my gut know its all OK.
Oh, hell, no! I never felt isolated, but then I don't tend to hang out with people who have kids and make nasty comments about why I don't. I was telling people in the 70s I didn't want kids and if you thought it's hard now to be the only childfree person around - you should have been around then. You wouldn't believe all the crap I got.
Now I know there are thousands of women who feel like me and for the people who don't, well, that's great for them if they made the choices they wanted to. But the ones who want to make snide comments about not having kids, they can go pound sand. So can any psychologists and parents who want to tell how deprived I am. I don't feel isolated at all. What I feel is grateful I don't have kids and that I live in a time when I don't have to have them.
As to how I dealt with it: you have to have a core of self inside you. You may be uncertain with the decisions you make, but if you make them and they can't be undone, you have to face up to the fact that you have to live with your decisions.
But you also have to have confidence in yourself and how you know you feel about certain things. If people get on your case too often, you simply tell them that you've made your decision, you're happy about it, and it doesn't need to be discussed further. If people continue to needle you, you just tell them you feel they're being very rude.
If you have to be around family, that's one thing. But if your "friends" are doing this, then it's time to find new, more unjudgmental friends.
...into your mid-50s and still paying for college and grad school, scrimping and saving to pay for those adolescent drivers on your insurance policy, endless school expenses, clothing expenses, entertainment and dining expenses, haircuts, the list goes on and on...
...while your carefree, unencumbered, childless friends are truly enjoying married life with exciting vacations, private couple's time, and plenty of disposable income. Retirement is fully funded. The present is wonderful, and the future looks bright.
Be very careful what you wish for.
Last edited by OHNot4Me; 09-25-2017 at 03:33 PM..
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