Ever known a man to go from being very abusive to very loving? (misogynistic, addiction)

[coschristi]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

No, but I think that maybe some men are only like that to some and not all of their gfs.

If some personalities meet, they can bring out the worst in each other. If they would be with a different person, these triggers/buttons would maybe have never been pushed and the relationship could have worked out. I think that some men are abusive in some of their relationships but not in others. But I dont think they stop their behavior with someone once it started because once respect is gone, it is gone.

Definitely. Two things have been said to me by all 3 of the LTR's I've ever had: 1. " I've never loved yet hated somebody as much as I do you". And 2. "I have NEVER laid my hands on a woman ... before .."

So, I guess I'm inspirational that way. Typically I am perceived as being naive & actually vulnerable. I almost try too hard to be too nice & don't stand up for myself soon enough. But I, like most (I think),have a limit. And when I reach it? Everything I should have been communicating about since day 1; is still there to fuel the fire.

Oh; & Im told I get mad "like a man". Whatever that means.

[coschristi]

I remember reading a study about 10 years ago that used a massive database to filter outcomes of DV cases for up to a decade post arrest.

Apparently, more than any other therapy, sanction or penalty; what they found to contribute to an abusers reform was that of the person who is "In Stake" with his community. Homeowners. Those who volunteer. Business owners & mentors.

More than punishments or rehabilitation, the more "in stake" the accused was, the less likely for them to re-offend.

[Electrician4you]

Originally Posted by Gothick

I know that for many women dealing with abusive bfs/husbands is sadly a thing. But I am curious, do you think these kind of guys can be redeemed and totally change? By that I mean, have you ever known a man that treated women in the worst way possible; beating them, talking down to them, viewing them and treating them like sub-human trash, to do a complete 180 and become really loving, caring, respectful of women etc.?

Seems to me it never happens and these guys deserve to be executed on the spot.

I would say if there was some life changing event but for the most part no. As far as executing them? No. They should be going to jail for assault. But most abused women will not press charges. From what I read and know about abusive relationships for some reason they think that's their mans manifestation of love.

[mondayafternoons]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

No, but I think that maybe some men are only like that to some and not all of their gfs.


If some personalities meet, they can bring out the worst in each other. If they would be with a different person, these triggers/buttons would maybe have never been pushed and the relationship could have worked out. I think that some men are abusive in some of their relationships but not in others. But I dont think they stop their behavior with someone once it started because once respect is gone, it is gone.

Yes but some personalities not meshing isn't what causes a man to batter, otherwise just about 100 percent of men would batter some of their girlfriends since pretty much everyone has had partners they didn't have a perfect mesh or compatibility with. My brother has had about six girlfriends four of who were longer term. At least three of those there were issues with compatibility but he never battered them. So I think it's something to be careful with the ideas like these because even though it's not the intent it feeds myths about dv that give abusers entitlement or feel justified.

So yea totally true that some couples aren't that compatible but has nothing to do with a man or partner battering the other-- it's something they do to gain **power and control**. -- this why the rate for them to truly rehabilitate is so low. Because they have such a need to ultimately have full power and control over their partner NO matter how compatible they might be otherwise. Some abusers truly love their partner and want desperately to remain with them after a point where they are faced with losing their partner-- but very few even those who go to batterers programs rehabilitate genuinely over the long run. There is a lot out there on the cycle of violence wheel-- it shows the cycle of abuse and what drives it is mainly a deep need for power and control-- nothing to do with compatibility or a partner who gets on their nerves

[mondayafternoons]

Originally Posted by Nov3

My one brother carried an aggressiveness thru his 20's.
The law and about 6 month of behavior modification changed that. He and his still married to wife of 40 years rarely discuss that era...Guess if they can forgive and enhance then what's it to me . He is though still abrupt in how he speaks..So he continues to work on the compassion side.
His role model left a sad legacy..So I'm sure it's difficult to admit our womenizing dad wasn't the best person to teach respect.

That's good he changed for the better,... I'm unclear though from the wording of the post "carried an aggressiveness through his twenties" more specifically what that means-- anything from rude and obnoxious to loud and selfish to verbally abusive to being someone who yells , or committed long term pattern of violence against an intimate partner?

[TabulaRasa]

Violent, aggressive behavior is very resistant to change. For aggressors, there is little by way of other behavior that pays off in the same way for them, so there is little motivation for change. People CAN be motivated to make extreme behavioral changes...in this case, those who actually do follow through and do not ever relapse into old behavior patterns are in the extreme minority.

[Phil75230]

Originally Posted by Gothick

I know that for many women dealing with abusive bfs/husbands is sadly a thing. But I am curious, do you think these kind of guys can be redeemed and totally change? By that I mean, have you ever known a man that treated women in the worst way possible; beating them, talking down to them, viewing them and treating them like sub-human trash, to do a complete 180 and become really loving, caring, respectful of women etc.?

Seems to me it never happens and these guys deserve to be executed on the spot.

Nope. Classic Jekyll and Hyde. Hyde is the real person. Jekyll is just an act. The abusive guy is more likely to be a good actor than a good person, a pro at projecting the "right image" to other people.

For a lot, maybe the majority, of people - it's easier to do a bad thing than to restrain yourself from doing that bad thing - especially if they are good at hiding it (i.e. being a great actor) or if the culture doesn't scorn or otherwise socially punish you for doing that bad thing. Any good and especially wonderful thing a person does is more than likely a sleight of hand, getting others and/or his victim to concentrate on how great he is so as to divert focus from the bad parts of his character.

For this reason, I don't get impressed by "good" things people do, especially if they are prone to love "photo-ops" or otherwise impression management. I look at how they talk about or their body/facial language reacts to the most disdained non-criminal types of people - especially how they talk about people who are weak, timid, powerless, weird, odd, lacking in social skills, gullible, or so forth.

Getting back on topic: Bottom line is that if he's great at projecting the right image to others, then how can you ever truly believe he'll change? Any appearance of a change is likely just acting or impression management rather than a true change in personality.

The below bears repeating, especially in light of what I wrote. Combine the two and you'll get an even better idea of where I'm coming from.

Originally Posted by ItsRick24

No. Even if the physical abuse is stopped, the verbal/emotional abuse continues...

A guy can physically abuse his wife or gf, and either get locked up or get the **** beat out of him (or even both), and he may not touch her again, but I can almost guarantee he will continue to abuse her with his words!

[codergirl]

Originally Posted by Gothick

I know that for many women dealing with abusive bfs/husbands is sadly a thing. But I am curious, do you think these kind of guys can be redeemed and totally change? By that I mean, have you ever known a man that treated women in the worst way possible; beating them, talking down to them, viewing them and treating them like sub-human trash, to do a complete 180 and become really loving, caring, respectful of women etc.?

Seems to me it never happens and these guys deserve to be executed on the spot.

Nope..men and women who are abusive rarely every change.They just keep repeating the same behavior over and over.What really pisses me off is how the hell do these abusive piece of garbage get to be in relationships to begin with!! I feel that the punishment should fit the crime.If the guy or woman wants to beat up on their spouse....then they should get the living crap beat out of them.Lets see how quickly they start to get the point that it's not right to do what they do to others...and yes I am very well aware that the abusive behavior probably stems from their childhood or some other event in their past BUT to not deal with their issues and to be taking it out on those that loved them??Not cool.I say deal with your crap or just be alone and not bring misery on others..but of course their too selfish for that.

[Phil75230]

Originally Posted by codergirl

Nope..men and women who are abusive rarely every change.They just keep repeating the same behavior over and over.What really pisses me off is how the hell do these abusive piece of garbage get to be in relationships to begin with!! I feel that the punishment should fit the crime.If the guy or woman wants to beat up on their spouse....then they should get the living crap beat out of them.Lets see how quickly they start to get the point that it's not right to do what they do to others...and yes I am very well aware that the abusive behavior probably stems from their childhood or some other event in their past BUT to not deal with their issues and to be taking it out on those that loved them??Not cool.I say deal with your crap or just be alone and not bring misery on others..but of course their too selfish for that.

How? As I said above, by being pros at impression management or otherwise projecting the "right image" to the "right people". Hell, the more competent of them of them are "social chameleons" - great at tailoring their image to their immediate audience(words, posture, body language, poise, and social dominance type of personality traits). In short, they are great actors or otherwise great at ass-covering.

As for beating the crap out of them, perhaps but that won't solve their core problem, which they won't even see as a problem - that the only mistake is their getting caught, that it's ok to do anything as long as you don't get your ass kicked. That in and of itself IMO is a criminal mentality, even if they haven't actually broken the law they'll still behave "criminally" (in a moral sense) toward others.

I fear the only way to put a stop to this one requires three things (1) better brain scanning technology, (2) better theories of psychology, neuropsychology, and human behavior, and (3) intrusiveness that many Americans are very likely not to tolerate (i.e. using mid-, even late-, 21st century and later brain scanning equipment to determine a person's state of mind, then using that as grounds for revoking at least some of their civil liberties).

[jencam]

No.